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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous MIL

367 replies

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 22:38

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

OP posts:
KindLemur · 25/02/2025 08:08

Luddite26 · 25/02/2025 08:04

Well that is your opinion @KindLemur. Everyone has different opinions. Makes it a colourful world.

I’d just like to see OP come back in two years and let us know how the arrangement has got on. I give it about 6 months before it all ends in tears

Luddite26 · 25/02/2025 08:24

Oooooo. Maybe you should change your name to Unkind Lemur. Just move on it's only Mumsnet.

Tryinghardtobefair · 25/02/2025 08:55

I don't know what to suggest with your MIL but, I would potentially pay for a child minder on one of your mum's days. There are a few that are shift work friendly. It just means that your foot is in the door if this ends in tears or if someone decides they can't do childcare anymore. Some childminders will also let you swap days in a pinch

Rfvvvv · 25/02/2025 09:35

The number of times I have heard of offers of childcare being rescinded due to it being too much is in double figures.

Grandparents mean well but it is a huge restrictive commitment that gets tiring very very quickly.

My SIL is one, she adored her first grandson and her daughter asked her when she retired. She said she'd love to because she adored him.

The reality was she had to be up for 7.30 to take him and it was a long day.
Suddenly she wasn't able to go swimming at her club, meet friends for luch and was stuck at home.

She broke her ankle and his mother took over temporarily supposedly, but the break was bad and she needed physio.

So when the school year finished, she told her daughter to get a childminder for the coming September as she wasn't able for it.
Her son in laws mother wasn't interested in committing either.

They helped in emergencies that is all.
These were fit 60's.

Luddite26 · 25/02/2025 15:06

@Rfvvvv why was your sis in law stuck at home?

Moonnstars · 25/02/2025 15:14

CJ98 · 24/02/2025 09:01

Sundays my mum will be having our daughter.
mondays my MIL will be having her.
Tuesdays will be our day to have her (we don’t see why we should give up one of our family days if my MIL won’t give up one of hers)
Wednesday - Friday my mum will have her
Saturdays - our family day.
people might not agree with it but it’s the way that’s working for us.
Sundays will be the longest day my mum has our daughter, I will be working 9:30-5:30 & my partner will be working 13:30-22:00 so she’d need to have our daughter 12-6/6:30 at a push.
My mum Wednesdays - Fridays is going to only be having her for a couple of hours. I will be finishing work at 4 and my partner won’t be starting until 2 so my mum will only be having her 12:30-5

Show quote history

If mum is only having the child weds-fri 12.30 til 5 this could have been your nursery days. Most private nurseries open til 6.
Your mum is in for a long day on Sunday and although the other days are only half days, she still is giving up a lot of time.
Do you both work quite a distance from your workplace as you seem to be allowing 1.5 hours for your partner to drop at 12.30 when he doesn't start til 2?

outerspacepotato · 25/02/2025 15:17

A child isn't a time share.

That said, I've found people who insist on helping when it's not needed or wanted aren't really intending to help, it's about control.

You want to spend Tues with your husband and child as a family. Your MIL wants to take that from you for her own wishes.

She's being unreasonable. You guys need family time together.

Original poster
CJ98 · 25/02/2025 15:56

The issue is Wednesday - Friday our shifts can alternate anywhere from 10-18 to 14-22:00 so if either of us work those shifts someone is still going to have to have our daughter hence why we’ve found nursery is going to be a little difficult. If our shifts were set as in 9-5 everyday it would be so much easier but our shifts swap and change every week. Due to working in retail our shifts can be anywhere from 7am to 10pm & sadly we don’t get a day in the shifts we work.
my partner works just short of an hour away & we’ve agreed with my mum to pick our daughter up around 12:30 as he not only has to get sorted for work he also then has to set off at 1 in order to be at work for 2.
I only live 20 minutes walk from my workpla

OP posts:
KindLemur · 26/02/2025 08:06

Moonnstars · 25/02/2025 15:14

If mum is only having the child weds-fri 12.30 til 5 this could have been your nursery days. Most private nurseries open til 6.
Your mum is in for a long day on Sunday and although the other days are only half days, she still is giving up a lot of time.
Do you both work quite a distance from your workplace as you seem to be allowing 1.5 hours for your partner to drop at 12.30 when he doesn't start til 2?

Show quote history

This is what I was thinking ? The ‘but we work shifts’ thing doesn’t make sense because the shifts overlap and you could do what myself and loads of other parents do and just juggle the drop off and pick up between your shift patterns so:

weds-fri you get up and go to work, DP gets up with baby and gets her ready and drops at nursery for around 9am, goes home does some housework etc goes to work. You finish work at 5/6 and pick up baby, most nurseries or childminders will have kids til 6/6.30, baby will have had her tea, you go home with her do bath bed etc and then your partner comes in later. That’s literally what we do, it works well. Your Dp dropping off with your mum 1.5 hours before work makes no sense why doesn’t he just drop on his way into work, we all ‘have to get sorted for work’ we just do it with our kids there. What will he do when she starts school, drop her at your mums at 6am so he can get himself ready in peace ?!!

Original poster
CJ98 · 26/02/2025 10:50

KindLemur · 26/02/2025 08:06

This is what I was thinking ? The ‘but we work shifts’ thing doesn’t make sense because the shifts overlap and you could do what myself and loads of other parents do and just juggle the drop off and pick up between your shift patterns so:

weds-fri you get up and go to work, DP gets up with baby and gets her ready and drops at nursery for around 9am, goes home does some housework etc goes to work. You finish work at 5/6 and pick up baby, most nurseries or childminders will have kids til 6/6.30, baby will have had her tea, you go home with her do bath bed etc and then your partner comes in later. That’s literally what we do, it works well. Your Dp dropping off with your mum 1.5 hours before work makes no sense why doesn’t he just drop on his way into work, we all ‘have to get sorted for work’ we just do it with our kids there. What will he do when she starts school, drop her at your mums at 6am so he can get himself ready in peace ?!!

Show quote history

My partner rides a motorbike so can’t drop our daughter off. In fact neither of us drive currently (we are in the process of taking lessons) & our shifts change every week & they range from 7am to 10pm. If I was the one doing 7-4 every morning it would be easier but my shifts can be anything 9-5,10-6,2-10,3-10, 9-7 neither of us have set shifts. Neither of us have a 9-5 job so someone along the way is going to have to pick our child up from nursery and have her for a couple of hours for when we finish work.

OP posts:
Tiredofallthis101 · 26/02/2025 23:24

It is the law that you can ask your employer for flexible working options (or in your case less flexible working options!). Can you ask your employer to put you on at least some fixed shifts?

Zonder · 27/02/2025 08:34

Have you both thought of looking for more regular jobs? I know you feel you have the childcare covered now but at sometime in the next decade it's easy to imagine it falling apart for any number of reasons.

Pastelhp · 27/02/2025 12:33

Zonder · 27/02/2025 08:34

Have you both thought of looking for more regular jobs? I know you feel you have the childcare covered now but at sometime in the next decade it's easy to imagine it falling apart for any number of reasons.

I agree with this OP. I used to work in retail and found it was that poorly paid that even management roles paid less than just regular office admin staff for example. You’d get a much better home/life balance too to spend time with your daughter x

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 27/02/2025 12:53

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 23:11

Because both myself and partner work 40 hours a week we aren’t entitled to anything. When we’ve looked into it childcare for 5 days it would cost us £260 a week. By the time we are finished with a full month of childcare it’s one of our wages completely gone. We understand we are extremely lucky to have both grandparents offering to look after our daughter. This has literally been the last resort we’ve looked into everything, if we financially were in a better place (we aren’t struggling but after I’ve spent 9 months on maternity leave getting half of what I earned my when working it’s not left us in a great position hence why we are trying to find an option that doesn’t mean we pay for childcare)

Show quote history

Exactly. Think of all the money it's saving you and deal with it.

Anonymouseposter · 27/02/2025 13:25

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 05:28

I think sometimes free help from grandparents is wonderful for all involved. But other times, it turns out to be more trouble than it's worth.

It's possible it just won't work out to have your MIL involved in it. From what you've said, it sounds like she is being quite unreasonable and self-centered.

If Monday is the only day that she is able provide childcare, when childcare is actually needed, then that's the only day she watches your child. Her failure to grasp this very basic concept is worrisome.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable, she and her partner just don’t want to do the day he’s off work. I would consider changing your day off to Wednesday as that would mean a day less for your Mum and give her some free time but if you can’t do that your MIL will only be able to do Monday. I wouldn’t give up your day with your child.

needmorecoffee7 · 27/02/2025 14:13

I would think very careful about accepting. Childcare from this woman. She has already proven to be unreliable. It's going to be a nightmare.
4 days is far too much to ask of your Mum.

I would suggest
Mon- mil
Tuesday- DH
Weds- you
Thurs & Friday - nursery
Sat- family day
Sun- DM

This way they are both doing one day week and you aren't putting too much pressure on anyone

daleylama · 11/03/2025 21:50

Rfvvvv · 24/02/2025 09:33

Clearly the work you both do is very low paid and cannot fund a child.

You cannot afford childcare and are dependent of it being given for free.

It doesn't read as if you can actually afford a child.

You are both going to have to look at your jobs and see how you can add extra work somewhere and bullet proof your contraception.

You definitely cannot afford a second.
How are you supposed to cope if either grandmother changes their mind through health or circumstances?

You need to focus on a back up plan.

Thanks for being Judge and jury,,blimey. I wish there was a 'did I just read that'; icon on MN.

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