Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

OP does have the option to make Wednesday the family day, rather than Tuesday, so that's up to her. Otherwise I think MIL is getting the better end of the deal really. She'll be able to have a lot of fun just one day a week. The other grandmother having the child four days is going to be more daily grind stuff. Not that it can't still be fun for her, but you can really go all out one day a week. MIL does work quite a bit, so only has limited days available with which to be flexible.

And now you're just repackaging my own comment and repeating it back to me...

Much as this has been lovely 😅 I'm not going to waste any more time on an empty vessel and am off to enjoy my day.

Omg they offered! Her mil is literally begging to have the child on the day op and her dh are home. That IS letting them be grandparents, that’s the kind of grandparents that they are. Yes most of us don’t have that. But the op does and people should just get over that.

op, no way should you even consider letting her have Tuesday. She sounds very difficult to talk to so I think you should play at her game- instead of we want baby to ourselves on Tuesday you say ‘it’s already going to be so hard to leave my baby, there’s no way I can live with less than 2 days with my own precious little <x>, just thinking about it makes me feel sick and about to burst into tears, I ca-a-n’t SNIFF and walk out. And tell your dh to tell it to her straight- that your mil is choosing not to do Sundays because she wants two days with her adult partner, then she can totally imagine that you want two days with your BABY and can she stop it now?!

For goodness sake - it's the same suggestion as others have made in the thread and they phrased it "Pay for childcare".
Why would you have an issue with the way I put it and not theirs?
Yeah - it puts all grandparents on an even footing and no one can be "jealous" of the other.

I think the entire set up is bonkers, but that's beside the point.

Compromise and offer every other Tuesday?

It would obviously be very strange for OP to have the daughter with grandparents on what is essentially one of their two “weekend” family days, but it’s so obvious I can’t understand why there’s even a post about this. You don’t need childcare on the days you’re not working - simple.

Instead of having the same days off, choose different days so your child is at home with one of his or her's parents four days a week. Use reliable childcare like nursery or childminder for the other days. Or one of you go part time. You and your DH sound very entitled. This is your child, not your parents' or in laws'.

So meet childish, manipulative behaviour with more childish, manipulative behaviour? Poor kid if they end up caught in all of that nonsense.

I think it's quite sad and almost weird that your own child will spend more time with their grandparents than you!

I don't like the fact that your MIL seems to consider your DD a possession that she can demand. That's rather controlling.

I'd suggest you and your DH have ONE day off together (Saturday) then take different other days off (so one Thursday and one Friday). Your MIL can then have DD Monday and Tuesday, and your mum can have her Sunday and Wednesday.

Personally I'd consider a nursery for 2 days a week as kids get SO much out of nursery. Then the grandparents can do one day a week each.

I wonder if words like jealous and demanding would be used or replaced with words like disappointed and offering if the MiL & mother swapped positions. Probably not.

Your MiL already works 4 days per week. That's only 1 day less than you. She's offered knowing what a big commitment it is, but she's within her rights to say which days she's available. You're within your rights to say no and look after your own child for a bit.

Her mil is literally begging to have the child

The MIL is changing her mind which makes her rather unreliable and not someone I'd want to rely on for childcare when I had to get to work.

Is the mum 'begging' to be an unpaid childminder for 4 days of every week?! How old is she-is she retired, is she still working?!

I know lots of retired ex-colleagues, the happy ones see their grandchildren with their children or have them a day or two a week. The stressed and often ill ones have been bullied into doing more and it shows. They are knackered. I think 2 days is more than enough to expect a grandparent to provide childcare for!

Wish there was a ‘yawn’ reaction…

Interesting observation - I did think calling the thread “jealous MIL” is a bit of a horrid way to speak about someone who is offering you so much!

Missed that MIL still works 4 days. I think it’s absolutely batshit that she wants to be an unpaid childminder on a further 2 days but each to their own… I just wouldn’t expect that to last long personally as I’d be knackered!

Because often grandparents want to do it.

I know what I wrote is very simplistic, I meant if comparing each of those options as if they are all available and viable, it was a very general statement. I was trying to imply, as long as grandparents/family are trusted people and happy to help, then they’re the very best care a child could ever have after parents. The number one thing babies and toddlers need is a strong attatchment to a consistent caregiver, so how lucky for that to be a close family member who will continue to be in your life beyond childcare, and can give you 100% of their time and attention in a home environment.

I know all can be equally terrible in individual circumstances!

I do have a personal issue with nurseries as a whole though, for many reasons I won’t go into. Because of this I would never send my own child to nursery under the age of 3, no matter how good it seemed, unless it was a last resort.

My own NDN works and juggles providing free childcare to 4 grandchildren. The parents seem to be oblivious to how tired she is and the income she has lost by reducing her own hours so they can avoid childcare costs themselves. Perhaps more grandparents ike this MiL should be honest about the impact it has on them when they try to help out.

My parents are dead so I do have to use nursery but was actually put off a childminder setup by several threads on here where loads of people commented that they’d been subjected to inappropriate behaviour by childminders’ partners, who obviously don’t have any checks etc. There definitely has to be more trust with a childminder IMO; if they’re completely alone with your child in a way that’s less common at nursery then there is a lot more opportunity for all forms of abuse.

@CJ98 how old are your mum/MIL and do they still work? If so, how many days?

Surely moving your day-off to Wednesday is the answer.

Then MIL can have her Mondays and Tuesdays, and your mum Sundays, Thursdays and Fridays. 4 days for your mum was a really big ask tbh.

This. And spend some time with your child!!!

Absolutely stand firm on your two days - it's important your child spends time with their own parents!

You can offer your MIL any of the days your DM agreed to (wed, thur, fri) - it might be nice for your DM not to have to do three days in a row. But stand strong on the Tuesday.
In fact, if i were you, i'd stop visiting her on a Tuesday soon in order to start getting into the 'new routine'. What days does your DP have off now - can he start his new shift pattern sooner than when you go back?

I didn’t see this thread, but I’ve seen awful things in very well rated nurseries.
I don’t want to scare parents into thinking all nurseries are bad. But even good ones are struggling, the majority rely on agency staff which puts incredible strain on the permanent staff and is unfair on the children.

Edit- I know this isnt the topic of the original post, but I am genuinely confused by the amount of people commenting that childcare is better or the solution to OPs problem

I personally would have just one day a week when you and your partner have a family day together. This would mean your daughter has more days with her parents which is surely t better for your daughter. Just my opinion though. Lots and lots of families don’t manage 2 days a week for family days.

I am telling you now that while it seems wonderful and convenient and money-saving for your MIL to look after your daughter, long term this is absolutely not going to work. She’s being incredibly difficult about the arrangements already (the Sunday is totally fair though, her & her partner should have free time together) and ultimately this won’t end well. You are already walking on eggshells around her demands/sulking, or you would simply tell her “no, Tuesday is obviously a day we will be spending together as a family”
This won’t work, look for a childminder or nursery to do 3 days a week, and allow the grandparents a day each. Set your boundaries firmly now, once your MIL is doing regular childcare, it will be very hard to establish any boundaries around anything.

And this is what is the best choice for you and your children. Every parent has to weigh up the available resources and make the best decision they can- that will be nursery for many.