Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

Please ignore any of the nasty jealous comments by those who haven't had family assisting with childcare. I'm not a grandparent but I seen my mother and father willingly provide childcare for my niece and nephew so my brother and sil could both work and the pure enjoyment my parents got from it and the fantastic relationship they developed with their grandchildren was wonderful. I live 100 miles from my parents and brother but when my mother became unwell and unable to manage I used to travel on a Monday, mind the children on a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before returning home (I retired early), my sil had reduced her days working so this system worked for us, it gave me lovely times with both the children and my parents and during covid when the schools were closed I moved there and looked after the children while their parents worked, I even did home schooling and enjoyed it. When you've got family who want to help and you trust why on earth would you pay a stranger to look after your children? My dc is an adult now and I was a single parent for years, my parents and my brother were my support system so it's only natural I became theirs. Sorry for being longwinded but it infuriates me when I see people criticise those who have family help. Regarding your mil you will have to stick to your preferred days, she doesn't get to call the shots, she wants Sundays to spend with her partner and you want Tuesdays to spend with yours and your dc so that's how it is, her ridiculous jealousy of your mother is irrelevant. Tell her your mother is willing to do the five days if necessary and that it may actually be more suitable as it means no chopping and changing for your little one, it doesn't have to be true but it may be enough to make her think!! Best of luck, you're doing what's best for your family and that includes your days together. Stick to your decisions or mil will be interfering forever. And please let her son be the communicator with her so she can't blame you.

@CJ98 they may have offered but your saying you can’t afford childcare so it’s not like you have any other option, it’s not really a choice for anyone involved as you don’t want to pay 260pw for nursery. That’s just what nursery costs, that’s what is weird about this thread you seemed shocked at the cost as if everyone else didn’t have to pay that?

Nice to have 2 days together but wouldn’t it be better to be off seperate days so family don’t have to have your daughter as often? It’s a lot to ask your mum having her 3 days a week. Can’t MIL take one of those days off your mum?

Your mums partner has probably and justifiably said no to every Sunday. That's their weekend gone every week and their family time is just as important.

It would be more reasonable for everyone if you both had Wednesday off and then covered the weekends yourself.

You can't have all this free childcare and still expect 2 days off together

she can have your child Sunday if she actually wanted she’s just being difficult/ weird.

thats 💯 her choice.
I’d be clear she has the option of 2 days if she doesn’t like it she can just do 1, if she doesn’t like 1 she can do none.

i also agree “free” childcare still has a cost you are also going to need a lot of plan Bs for when your childcare randomly…

• goes on holiday
• books their dental apps/ dr apps / nails on their days
• decides they need to see Janet and she can only do Thursday and doesn’t like kids
• your child is sick and they / their partner announce they are immunocompromised (real and imagined)
• they are sick (real and imagined) and can’t do it

Fortunate, yes. Entitled, no.

I’m not sure you know what ‘entitled’ means. You seem to have grasped ‘embittered’ though.

Did you even bother reading the OP? The grandparents want to look after the child more, not less. That's what the post is about.

@CJ98

Because both myself and partner work 40 hours a week we aren’t entitled to anything.

This seems wrong? With both of you working you should be receiving tax free childcare which would be 20% off your bill. Then depending on when you're going back/baby age you will be enrolled to funded hours (either 15 or 30 hours).

Not that it's relevant as you have offers of childcare that will cost you nothing! But just considering potential options

You and your partner have Wednesday and Saturday off, Your MIL does Thursday+Friday, your mum does Sunday, Monday and Tuesday? Then LO is getting a consistent routine.

Alternatively, two days with each set of parents and one day at nursery/childminders (funded hours so shouldn't cost you more than £20) that 5 days childcare. Then they're getting the exact same time together.

It's really sad to see all the bitter, jealous comments on here from people who struggle with childcare and want everyone else to struggle too.

OP, you don't sound entitled to anyone with any common sense. Childcare is unaffordable for many and if you have the offer of free childcare from family members then that's great and you shouldn't feel guilty about that or "entitled" for talking about it just because someone else doesn't have it. It's not a race to the bottom. Perhaps when those PP are moaning about their lot in comparison to you, they could rein in their own "entitlement" and remember that some parents can't work due to disability even though they'd love to, and some families can't actually clothe or feed themselves. There's always somebody worse off.

It's a tricky situation to navigate with MIL because obviously she's kind to offer to do any childcare, but you are absolutely not unreasonable for saying no to the Tuesday. You don't have much time together as a family and you need to protect that. I'm sure if you could sit down with her and explain that face to face, she'd understand that you need time with DC yourselves. And the fact that your mum has more days with DC is purely down to which days MIL and DM are free. It can't be helped, unless MIL can be free on one of your DM's days and take that up so they have 2 each. It's quite distasteful for her to be arguing over DC like they're a doll but I can see that you aren't in a position to knock back free family childcare.

How is it difficult/weird to set a boundary around a day that doesn't work for her? Especially when she is the one doing the person with the child the favour, and for free no less?

Good on her for looking after her own life too.

To consider someone difficult/weird because they won't do you a favour on the day of your choice is extremely difficult and entitled.

That doesn't mean they have to accommodate MIL either, of course.

If someone wants me to babysit regularly, I would say, "I'm available on day x,y,z." If they then want day a,b,c instead, they will have to make other arrangements.

I think sometimes free help from grandparents is wonderful for all involved. But other times, it turns out to be more trouble than it's worth.

It's possible it just won't work out to have your MIL involved in it. From what you've said, it sounds like she is being quite unreasonable and self-centered.

If Monday is the only day that she is able provide childcare, when childcare is actually needed, then that's the only day she watches your child. Her failure to grasp this very basic concept is worrisome.

From the op

My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family.

this reads strongly of game playing and tit for tat re “family time”.

honestly weekends were not remotely sacred or precious to me pre babies. Going out on a Tuesday night to theatre and a meal - no big deal. Cinema? Why not? Few cheeky cocktails…? Okay go on….
with 2 kids the weekdays are a blur and a rush to get people fed and in bed.

if mil doesn’t want Sunday - fine. But she doesn’t get to dictate their time as family or the support op receives from her own mother at the same time. Which is what she’s trying to do…

I say this as someone shelling out £4 pm on childcare… who isn’t jealous and doesn’t think op is entitled… but does think family providing childcare is often best but comes with strings and this kind of nonsense…

OP has clearly said that MILs partner has said no to Sunday as it's their family time.

Why is this unreasonable? Why does OPs 2 days off with her partner trump anyone else's?

If family are being good enough to do enough for you both to work the least you could do is be reasonable about your expectations. MIL is obviously trying but is torn between her life and helping you with yours.

You're expecting MIL and her partner to have one day (Saturday) as their family time so you can have 2.

“As a family” implies that MIL isn’t family, which is what would hurt me if I were her.

It sounds to me like she changed her mind as her partner doesn't want it. We don't know if MIL and/or partner are still working, do we? So Sunday together is not an unreasonable thing. She's allowed to change her mind on more thought and offer another day instead. If that doesn't work for OP, then MIL does the one day she can do. MIL doesn't have the right to complain about less time then, as that's just how it worked out, but she has every right to say that Sunday doesn't work for them after all, for any reason. She shouldn't be pressuring for a different day though.

Agreed it can be taken that way but really what op is saying is she wants to spend her free time with her child and partner rather than farm the baby out and have a day off…

I wouldn't be offended by that. "As a family" clearly means the nuclear family (OP, Partner and baby). Having a family myself, I completely understand wanting that time together, just the three of them. It doesn't make me less family.

@farmlife2 Agreed in full.
Mil absolutely has the right to decline Sunday.
But Mil doesn’t get to demand make up time so “it’s fair”

Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.

op is NBU. Maybe hamfisted for saying “family time” (although imo it’s clear that is just another way of saying nuclear family and not offensive) but not unreasonable

Also, I would definitely NOT try to please everyone or feel like you're "stuck in the middle."

I think it's something that gets easier with age and parenting experience. But while you of course appreciate help from the grandmothers, you and your husband need to put your little family first, not put MIL's desire to have your child on you and your husband's day off together on anywhere near equal footing.

"Oh thanks, but no. Tuesday's our day off together and we don't get to see our baby enough as it is." If MIL argues, just keep repeating that or stop talking/end the conversation. Eventually, people will catch on that you are the parent in charge now, not them. It gets easier with a little time and practice. Good luck with it!

OP isn't being unreasonable but neither is MIL over availability. She is being unreasonable wanting to make it 'fair'.

It might be good if she takes over one of the OP's mother's days though. Then they both get two days and OP's mother gets one more day for her own life. Two days is already very generous.

Why would they pay for childcare if both grandparents are happy to do it though? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Arrange paid childcare for when you're both at work, but also spend some time with grandparents as a family, i.e. both of you too, and arrange some visits of children to grandparents without you.

Put another way, you and your partner have 4 days off a week, meaning you only need childcare for 3.

Your choice to expect grandparents to provide 5 days of care.. you need to work round them a bit.

Absolutely this. In your shoes, I would have one day off together and one day off separately. As is your dc is going to be with their maternal grandma more than with either of you. So one of you take Tuesday and the other Wednesday. Your mum shouldn’t have to be childcare for 4 days out of 5. That’s really a lot.

YANBU to say no to handing her on a Tuesday.

But I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable when you say you have no other choice than to have your mum have her for an extra day. You can have paid childcare to stop any of these issues. You would also be unreasonable to ask your mil to switch her working days.