Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

I think you're being unreasonable to have everything riding on the complete compliance of the two grandmothers, so that if either of them change their mind, become incapable, or in your MiLs case want to do other things with their Sunday, it falls apart. You and your husband have arrived at a model that is perfect for your needs, but pretty prescriptive for the GMs, when the sensible and fair thing would have been to take their preferences into account from the get go. The obvious solution has already been suggested, swap your day off to Wednesday. Another might be to swap the GMs 'rota' so your MiL gets to work the days you'd scheduled for your own mum. If the issue is she wants more time that would solve that.

I don’t blame her for not wanting Sunday. For many it’s a family day, sports roast dinners that sort of thing. I wouldn’t like a regular commitment on a Sunday.

It’s not ‘entitled’ as is entitled to the subsided childcare rate. I think that meant ‘entitled’ as in expecting so much from others. I went back to work part time and DH was full time. We got nothing from the state towards nursery care and I was practically working for nothing but I believed that nursery with other kids their age was important.

YANBU to want days off with your partner and child.

MIL is NBU to provide childcare only on days that suit her.

MIL is BU to dictate how you manage your childcare schedule.

However, on the basis that you are incredibly fortunate to apparently have people fighting to look after your child, I don't know why you wouldn't just take Wednesday off as your joint day (which it sounds from your posts would be possible) and let MIL look after your child on Tuesdays, to keep everyone happy. If you can't afford paid childcare, this is the pay off - you need to compromise as well as you need to keep your unpaid childcarers happy.

I'd also suggest that splitting childcare equally is a better arrangement anyway. Your mum and MIL might be happy at the moment with an amenable baby, but they might find once baby is a toddler that they are happy not to do so much looking after. Going from never having the baby on her own to 4 days a week is a lot for your mum to take on!

Such a boring reply.

Problem?

Ehrm, you missed the part where parents actually WANTED to do childcare. So nobody is using anyone. Just wish people could read the thread instead of inventing alrernative narratives 🙄

Can she have one of the days your mum was to have?
If not, tuff.
I get so jealous of people with grandparent support, our are deceased 😭

Crumbs! When I had my sons, neither my DM nor my MIL wanted to look after them!

Maybe the MIL is hurt/confused because she's trusted with the DD alone and all day - which would tell her she's seen as excellent and trustworthy childcare. You DM only has the DD with the OP there. Yet the schedule planned is giving the DM more 121 time with the DD than the MIL.

You've clearly relied on the MIL to have the baby simply in order for you to have a day free during Mat leave. Which imo is a bit pitiful given you have one baby and a DH - i get the sense that you are indeed maximising free childcare going forwards and expecting the grandparents to fit in with whatever gives you the simplistic/best options for you.

And yours is so much more detailed.

But isn't OP actually trying to organize a set rota?

I am concerned that this won't end well. Mil sounds a little toxic.

But in the meantime. "No, mil Tuesdays is like a Sunday to us and we are keeping it for family time seems fine." Repeat repeat repeat.

@HexagonSun there was a rare thread on here recently about nursery, someone said they saw some bad behavior from a staff member and lots came on to say similar.

Op I wouldn't bow to mil, only if it works for you. One day a week is still loads.

So your MiL works on Wednesday to Saturday, she has generously offered to provide childcare on Mondays and Tuesdays, which doesn't work for you and you begrudge her wanting to have Sundays off.

Presumably her partner also works & isn't retired yet. It's certainly not unreasonable for them to want to spent time off together on just one day per week unencumbered by someone else's child.

It's unclear why you want 2 family days together, but don't seem to understand why others want a day off at the weekend together. So the first issue is your lack of childcare on Sundays. Simple, one of you works on Saturdays and the other works on Sundays.

The Tuesday thing is a bit of a red herring. Is there any reason why it must be a Tuesday that is your other day off together, not Wednesdays? Maybe your MlL just thinks she ought to offer Tuesdays as well, but is actually breathing a sigh of relief that she will get 2 days off at some point during the week.

@lauraloulou1 why would anyone pay someone they don’t know to look after their child, when family members who love their child want to do it? That’s like paying for a wet weekend in Skegness when you could go to a villa in Tuscany for free😂

What a silly comment. Why would they do that? They aren't high earners, childcare is expensive and two trusted family members want to look after the baby for free. There's a small wrinkle to iron out because one of the grandmothers wants to do more childcare. Nobody is being taken advantage of and it's a small matter of shuffling a day around.

You are living on cloud cuckoo land if you think that it's sensible for low earners to willingly pay £1000+ per month for something if they don't absolutely have to.

Some people are coming across as incredibly bitter ! OP doesn't sound entitled at all, this is just her situation and she seems aware that she's fortunate in so much as she's trying to keep MIL happy even though MIL dropped the Sunday only to complain she didn't have as many days.

Is there a compromise where your mother gives MIL one of her days? Your mother might be relieved to do one less day if you ask her.
**Edited as I've just clicked the MIL works not making the other days possible. Could there be an arrangement where maybe once a month or so she has the baby on a Tuesday. Yours husband and yourself could do something nice/get some jobs done.

Also to the pp who said the OP begrudges the MIL wanting a Sunday off. That's nonsense. The OP has just explained the situation.

With all due respect, it's most definitely not a silly comment.

@CJ98 you don’t have to justify to anyone on the internet that family will be providing childcare!!

How lovely for your daughter that she has such involved grandparents.

Many on here would love that. Doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to have any issues with the arrangement.

MIL would be taking a day away from you. So you’ll have to stand firm on that. If she wants anymore days then she needs to find an alternative day that she can do or accept your proposal.

Meanwhile your reply is scintillating. 😒

Unless you consider that the villa keeps making demands and trying to be in control.

Personally, I think I'd have one day with partner and baby and split your other day off alternately. That way you wouldn't need to rely on so much childcare and you still get one quality family day together and you and your partner get one quality day each with the baby.
I'd also be worried about differing 'parenting' styles as the baby would be in three different household situations for quite some time.

It wasn't a lack of detail that made your comment boring.

Wholeheartedly agree.