Jealous MIL

[CJ98]

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

Did you miss the part where Mil is jealous for not having her more?

As OP has said many times, the grandparents have offered to help, she and her DH didn't ask.

I'm a grandparent and I did two days a week childcare for my grand-daughter until she started school and my ex husband did another day so my son and his partner only needed to pay for 2 days with a childminder. All the grandparents I know have offered free childcare for their grandchildren. Mumsnet seems to be the only place where this is frowned upon.

So you’re only earning £260 a week? Well that’s not right the minimum wage is currently £11.44 an hour! So something is not right, you’re actually trying to justify taking advantage of your parents! Rather than use your parents you need to pay for childcare and work around each other!

Can't they have 2 days each?
Just let your mum do Sunday and mil picks up one her other days?

This seems the obvious answer.

Or you could just have one family day and one day each that you cover. That would give you less need for childcare and still a day a week all together. Eg you have Sunday and Monday off, he has Monday and Tuesday off and then one grandparent could do Wed Thurs and the other Fri Sat.

In your shoes I would also be checking out childminders for if / when all this goes wrong. Otherwise one day there will be a thread about how the grandparents don't bring up your child as you want.

Yanbu to say no Tuesday.
However Yabu to both take the same days off each week- your daughter is spending less time with her parents (2 days per week) than her grandparents (5 days per week).

In your position, I'd take one day off together, and a different day off so you both get a one to one day with your daughter. That way your daughter gets 3 days a week with her parents.

Just go ahead with your plan.

If, throughout the year your MIL wants to swap one of her days with your mother, consider that. Also your mother might want to share some Sundays with MIL so that she can have a whole weekend off sometimes.

Stick with Saturday and either Tuesday or Wednesday as your family days.

DSF is fair enough to request that no grandparent looks after kids all weekend.

If your managers and you have to take a day off at the drop of a hat you won’t last long when you go back! As managers you will both be on a reasonable salary, so stop using your parents and pay for childcare! Your in Mat leave and you already need a day to yourself, what are you going to do when your back at work? No me time unless you intend to fib your child off on your days off! Having children and working is full of compromise even if it means you and your partner work
opposite each other!

Hey. I have zero child care and you clearly have a partner. Lone parent with nothing. Count your blessings that there's two of you!

💯 this

Does anyone else get the idea that half the people posting here didn't read what the OP actually posted?

Poor child. It will rarely be at home

It would be pretty hard to pay for childcare which fits in with these rotating shifts anyway and Sundays what paid childcare is open Sundays?

OP is not behaving entitled just because people are offering to help.
FWIW I think mil has been unreasonable agreeing to Sundays then retracting her offer.
What does DH say? I would leave it to him to reiterate that you are both spending Tuesday and Saturday with DC.

I think you’re unreasonable for not working opposite shifts to your DP, I get you want days off together but baby would spend more time with parents if you worked opposite shifts and less pressure on your parents/inlaws. I would say you are very lucky with your childcare

I have never understood why people have babies and then expect childcare from their own mothers/MIL or even fathers/FIL for that matter.
Babysitting occasionally is one thing but a set rota week on week is taking the p**s IMO.

Could your DM do Sunday Monday and MIL Thursday Friday and they take it in turns to do Wednesdays?
To be honest until they start doing it you don't know if one or the other will find it too demanding and want to change again.

If the main reason to for the problem is to reduce childcare costs, then it makes more sense to change one of your days to only have one day off together a week. Both having a Tuesday off and considering still sending her to MIL is a daft idea.

But tbh, I think you're going to regret doing it the way you are doing it. You're already finding her overbearing, she's demanding what she wants, and she's let you down for 50% of the week. Your mum doesn't actually have her by herself at the minute, but you're jumping to 4 days a week of childcare- that's a big amount of time. I'm going to assume both are retired, and hopefully are going to want holidays/ plans with friends/ days out. At the minute, you have no back up plan for that, other than try to take time off, which is not fun in retail!

I personally would look for a nursery/ childminder for at least one day a week. That way, if someone books a holiday or a day away, you can at least ask if they have room for the little one (ours generally could if asked far enough in advance). And if you don't like the childcare set up for whatever reason, if one of the grandparents starts feeding her ice cream for lunch every day when you've said no sugar, or whatever rules you want to follow, - which they will!- you have another possible option there to provide childcare.

Yes childcare costs a fortune. You will qualify for tax free childcare, and some free hours, so it's probably not quite as expensive as you think, but that's the reality of having kids, and it's for 3 years- it's over before you know it.

Some wild generalisations in this thread, my favourite being:

”To anyone bitter, the hierarchy of childcare with best interests for a baby is Parents- Grandparents- Nanny- Child minder- Nursery.”

Depends on what sort of grandparents, what sort of nursery, surely? The professionally qualified staff at a really good children’s centre nursery that follows the curriculum is going to be far better than, for example, my very nice but crap with children father-in-law. A childminder with a horrible dog isn’t going to be better than a really good nursery either. A nanny who is just in it for the cash until she can move in with her boyfriend isn’t going to be better than a really great childminder. Ridiculous.

OP, you are super lucky to have so much help, and unlike the bitter people on this thread, I am happy for you! But your MIL isn’t a parent, she can’t demand access like this. You and your partner need to spend time with your child and she needs to understand that. It sounds like she is jealous of your mum so some reassurance in that regard might help.

Are you a teacher or a practitioner?
I would disagree with the above, it's too simplistic. I've heard of terrible nurseries but then I've heard of terrible parents/grandparents and childminders!
I know of a set of grandparents who put the tv on and had limited interaction all day with the child. It really depends on the setting.

Welcome to the reality of having children for most people, OP.

As others have said, your daughter is not a toy to be passed around. It's great that your mum and MIL are offering to do childcare, but it's only helpful if it's, well, helpful. You don't need or want childcare on Tuesdays, so someone saying they will look after your daughter on Tuesdays is not helpful. Now all you need to do is figure out whether you have enough childcare to cover the days when you and your husband are both at work, or whether you need to pay for some extra childcare (like most people have to).

If MIL is causing issues now about her days, I wouldn't consider her reliable childcare. What happens if one week she decides there is something better on the day she has the child and doesn't want to do it? Will both sets of grandparents not eventually get a bit bored and worn out having the child so much? Not sure of their ages but young children can be tiring, and it can be very dull especially at this time of year going to the park in the cold.

I get your biggest issues is working in retail and therefore having to work weekends, as I can understand MIL and your own mother not wanting to do the weekends (especially if that's when family members who work are off and they don't get to see them in the week).

I do agree maybe you and your partner should have different days off so less reliant on grandparents completely, or sort out formal childcare (as others have mentioned there is tax free childcare and I am sure the age for free childcare for so many hours a week has lowered as well).

Exactly.

My children have both thrived at nursery. My son spent 8 months with a childminder before he got a place in nursery and being at nursery was clearly much better for his development. Where I live (in France) people are fighting tooth and nail to get a place in a council run nursery because it is considered the best form of childcare available.

My son now spends one day a week with his grandparents (no school on Wednesdays) and it's fantastic for him in other ways (speech development, table manners, relationship with his grandparents), but in my opinion being with a group of other, non-related children four days per week is fantastic.

If I were a SAHM I think I wouldn't appreciate my time with my kids as much as I do, they wouldn't have such great social skills, they would have watched a lot more TV than they have at their age, we would live in a much smaller home, and I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for the activities they do.

Good thing that's not what's happened here then.

If you want free childcare, you can’t set all the rules. If you want that, then pay for it. 🤷‍♀️