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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an unpaid nanny

197 replies

Outandabout43 · 18/02/2025 19:46

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 18/02/2025 19:48

She’s 11 not 2. I would tell the mum that if she is not happy with how you are liking after her child for free then she and her father need to sort paid childcare away from you

Heelworkhero · 18/02/2025 19:49

Thank her for her advice and let them know you’re stepping down from childcare now.

Phineyj · 18/02/2025 19:49

Well yes.

The going rate for holiday clubs round here is about £40 (£50 if you want 8-6).

How much does she owe you by now?!

Hello12345678910 · 18/02/2025 19:49

Wow.. shes 11...
I let me 2 year old cut veg (with a table knife) under supervision

If mum doesn't like it she can book the holidays off!!

HippeePrincess · 18/02/2025 19:49

Both of those things are perfectly fine for the average 11 year old, many 11 year olds get to and from school by themselves on public transport, and there’s no wraparound care for children after this age. She can’t possibly always have an adult around at home can she?
Cooking is a great skill, my 10 year old is competent at making simple things on the hob.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 18/02/2025 19:50

Thank you for your feedback, I resign with immediate effect.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/02/2025 19:50

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone

I would be telling them both that I would be doing any form of childcare for her again in future. If they want to criticise, then it's down to them to arrange childcare elsewhere.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/02/2025 19:50

YANBU she needs to wind her neck in.

Porkyporkchop · 18/02/2025 19:51

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 18/02/2025 19:50

Thank you for your feedback, I resign with immediate effect.

This!
tell her it’s your way when you care for her child, or she pays for childcare.
the cheek !!

Phineyj · 18/02/2025 19:51

And regarding your post - yes you are?

Hollowvoice · 18/02/2025 19:52

Oh dear god. My 11 year old makes whole meals without supervision.
Either your are trusted to look after the child or you're not. She can't have it both ways.

Hayley1256 · 18/02/2025 19:53

What does your DH think about leaving her alone? I think if they trust you to look after her then you should be able to use your judgement however if she's not been left on her own before I would gave checked with your DH, not sure how I'd feel if DD's dad's GF did this. As for the cooking, that sounds like you had a nice time, my DD9 often helps me cook and do pancakes by herself ( I supervise) I'm guessing her mum may feel like she's missed on some bonding and is taking it out on you

whycantibeselfishforonce · 18/02/2025 19:53

Sounds like she's jealous that you and her DD had a lovely time together! I bet your DSD was excited to tell her Mum what she had bee doing. Absolutely a lovely thing to do with an 11 year old. Also being on her own for 10 mins is absolutely fine. I'm with the pps - tell her to find alternative childcare if you don't meet her high standards!

ThejoyofNC · 18/02/2025 19:54

Thank god she has you to teach her life skills if her DM won't let her cook at 11.

I'd simply reply saying that if she doesn't like the way your provide free childcare then she should do it herself.

JandamiHash · 18/02/2025 19:55

“Just dock my wages then. Oh wait - you don’t pay me. If you need childcare where you dictate the rules then pay for it”

arcticpandas · 18/02/2025 19:55

I would buy you a nice gift and thank you for cooking with my daughter if I was the mum. You ought to send her a link to the local holiday club.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2025 19:56

The mums deluded. I brought my kids childrens knife sets when they were 8 to help chop and prep food.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 19:57

Vaxtable · 18/02/2025 19:48

She’s 11 not 2. I would tell the mum that if she is not happy with how you are liking after her child for free then she and her father need to sort paid childcare away from you

This. 11 year old is old enough to be cooking unsupervised imo

RedWasp34 · 18/02/2025 19:58

You are not the staff.
You are a member of the family.

If she doesn’t like it, she can pay for staff.

Original poster
Outandabout43 · 18/02/2025 20:00

DH agrees with me she does need to be more independent but doesn't want the hassle with mum. I'm dreading it when she finds out she went to the local shop with her own bank card to buy herself something (local shop is 30 second walk away). My attitude is she starts secondary school in September and needs to start learning life skills but wasn't sure if I was overstepping the mark

OP posts:
Tortielady · 18/02/2025 20:04

It's very kind of you to take the time to show this little girl how to enjoy cooking. I wonder if her Mum will complain if she finds herself the beneficiary of your time and skills?

godmum56 · 18/02/2025 20:06

Vaxtable · 18/02/2025 19:48

She’s 11 not 2. I would tell the mum that if she is not happy with how you are liking after her child for free then she and her father need to sort paid childcare away from you

first post nails it

Hayley1256 · 18/02/2025 20:07

I'm glad DH agrees with you. He needs to tell her mum to that you both want her to have more independence and you shall not be changing how you care for her

PoorLion · 18/02/2025 20:08

Carry on. My 11 year old cooked us dinner tonight, I supervised obvs but only asked to lift and drain a heavy pan of cooked pasta.

However I built up to leaving them home. By secondary a few hours was fine.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/02/2025 20:10

DH agrees with me she does need to be more independent but doesn't want the hassle with mum.

What does this mean?

  1. He wants you to stop doing things that the mum disapproves of, or
  2. He will tell mum that you won't be doing holiday childcare.

?