To feel like an unpaid nanny

[Outandabout43]

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

Not sure about leaving her on her own personally as you never know, but the cooking and shopping sound perfectly normal and it's sweet that she enjoyed it.

My 11 year old boy cooked chicken enchiladas the other day completely unsupervised. We do leave him alone for short periods too, obviously not allowed to cook when noone is in the house though.
Not sjre how you handle this without causing an issue and you and your daughter obviously like having her around.
Could the 11 year old have exaggerated it all a bit as they do so it sounds like she was dicing carrots at chef speed and left for hours. If she is not allowed to do these things with mum maybe it was a big deal and she made it all sound more than it was. Maybe try and smooth it over and explain what actually happened. Her mum might have freaked out about it if heard it from the daughter that it was some sort of day of wild freedom!!

You can either trust me to look after and do what I feel is appropriate while she is here or make alternative arrangements for her care.
Let me know which you decide by 9pm today so I can plan the rest of my week.

She's being a CF trying to dictate how you look after DSD when you are doing her a favour

11 year olds need to begin to learn some independent skills. In 6 months time she’ll be using the cooker with 20 other kids and one adult, so it’s probably safer if she learns the basics 1:1 now.

Her parents are at liberty to source other childcare if they don’t
like the free service you provide.

Glad DH shared your parenting choices.

Leave him to deal with the mum.

You carry on doing a great job.

BTW my DD was baking full cakes, biscuits and other treats from yr 6 completely unsupervised. Kitchen was a bomb site afterwards but completely safe as we'd jointly baked and cooked from a young age.

It sounds like you have a nice relationship with DSD so don't stand down. Your DH needs to support you and tell his ex that a) you did nothing wrong b) you are doing her a favour c) it's right that 11yo gets small doses of independence.

My just turned 11yo can be left at home alone whilst I run ds2 around. Just pop out and back on good practice for further future longer periods slone.

He can also chop things fine alone and use the stove not that he does that much. He makes smoothies alone all the time.

He also walks to the meet his friends a 2 minute walk away, alone, then walks to school with friends. He has no phone but some friends do and the teachers are walking behind them with youngerkids walking g to school.

I remember using the cooker at 11 while DM was at work. Electric cooker not gas. this was 41 years ago

I think it's time to step down from the holiday childminding duties

Perhaps her mum/parents would like to sort out an alternative option?

Sounds like you had a lovely time with DSD and that you have a good relationship

Id tell him to sort an alternative care option then. Nothing you did was unreasonable

She doesn’t like your parenting style, she can have her dd looked after elsewhere. Your dh needs to back you up or perhaps he can look after his own child?

You are doing as you see fit as a favour to her parents. If mum doesn't like it she can make other arrangements. You don't take orders from her.

Exactly. Totally taking you for granted.

When I started secondary school at 11 (didn't turn twelve for another 8 months) I had to do domestic science which involved using knives hobs and ovens. After doing coleslaw first the next things were soda bread and treacle bread which I had to put in the oven and take out. Also did stew on the hob.

You are right,

I have a 12 year old and think the same.

She’s really pushing her luck.

Great. You aren’t fit to look after DSD so her parents can source alternative childcare.

Plan something nice for you and DD to do tomorrow. One of DSDs parents will have to take leave until they find someone acceptable.

Cheeky fuckers.

I'm on the fence. You have every right to be annoyed at being used as an unpaid babysitter. Separately I think the parents can set rules about what she is allowed to do unsupervised, and actually you should stay within those bounds. Feeling put upon, however justified, doesn't give you veto rights on which of the parents' rules you break. If you left your baby with your mum and she cut the baby's hair or pierced their ears, would you be completely chill with that because that was her judgement to make as unpaid babysitter?

But if you want to use this as a reason not to continue having her, fair enough. None of your choices were unreasonable calls if you didn't have the info. Your partner could have backed you up but chose not to - he should really do so if only to keep you on side.

Maybe she’s jealous of the lovely relationship it sounds like you have built and so is finding things to criticise to annoy you.

You sound like a really lovely stepmum and like you’re well balancing the different needs and interests of 2 children.
At 11, as long as you’re comfortable that they’ll be sensible for half an hour (and you obviously know the girl and assessed the situation as safe) I don’t see anything wrong with what you did. She was happy to sit and watch telly while you were out.
mum needs to wind her neck in. Bloody cheek. You’re doing both her and her father a massive favour, truly.

I agree with you OP, the things you are allowing are age appropriate. If her mum doesn't like it then fine but she'll have to find other childcare.

I guess since she doesn't like how you have her daughter doing normal things, she can get other childcare.

Your DH needs to message his ex and tell her that you are very generously providing free childcare so they can both work, but if she is not satisfied with the current arrangement she should seek alternative provision during her set days. On his days it is up to him how he manages his childcare responsibilities.

I think what happens in your house and while she is under your care is up to you. If her mum doesn’t like it she needs to rethink her childcare in the holidays. I wonder if her mum was jealous she had a nice time with you.

Your partner is the problem.

He is letting you take the flack of his cowardice in dealing with the DSD's mother.

You are doing them both a massive favour and neither of them are appreciating it.

Tell them to make paid arrangements - right away. If they don't want to do this make it clear you don't want to hear a single word about what you provide for free.

The cooking thing is insane. My 6 year old helps with dinner!

However, had you discussed with your DH re leaving her alone? That feels more of a big deal to me. If you had and he’s on board then fine but I do think it should be discussed first.

FWIW I think it’s fine but just the scenario feels worthy of pre-discussion