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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an unpaid nanny

197 replies

Outandabout43 · 18/02/2025 19:46

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 19/02/2025 07:55

should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

No, mum can have her own rules in her own home but in someone else’s she can’t dictate rules. If mum has a problem with the activities you do then she needs to find someone else to look after her.

Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 07:57

I think it sounds like the mum is jealous. I expect DSD went home raving about making dinner and how proud she was of herself so her mum wanted to rain on her parade.

My children did a cookery club at primary school (year 3-4) using sharp knives. Both of mine cut themselves but it was a life lesson (and perhaps shows that I should have encouraged better knife skills at home).
I will now leave my 10 year old home alone if just popping out. Again he will be going to secondary school in the not so distant future so needs to be independent. We have spoken about what to do if something happens.

I think when DSD is at your house then it is your rules. There is nothing seriously wrong going on to stop the arrangement and the mum needs to bite her tongue and be grateful DSD enjoys the time with dad's family. Dad needs to man up a bit and say that. I expect there are probably things he wouldn't like that mum does but her house, her rules.

Ceramiq · 19/02/2025 07:59

Coconutter24 · 19/02/2025 07:55

should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

No, mum can have her own rules in her own home but in someone else’s she can’t dictate rules. If mum has a problem with the activities you do then she needs to find someone else to look after her.

This. It's quite common (understatement) for divorced parents to find fault with the quality of care in the other parent's home and the exW in this case needs a gentle reminder from her exH that it is none of her business how her daughter is cared for in her father's home.

Starlight1984 · 19/02/2025 08:51

Sunnydiary · 18/02/2025 20:35

Great. You aren’t fit to look after DSD so her parents can source alternative childcare.

Plan something nice for you and DD to do tomorrow. One of DSDs parents will have to take leave until they find someone acceptable.

Cheeky fuckers.

One of DSDs parents will have to take leave until they find someone acceptable.

This. Absolutely.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2025 08:55

I would make it very clear to the mother of your DSD that if she isn't happy with the way that you're looking after her daughter, that she is free to find paid childcare as you will be withdrawing your free services, effective immediately.

The issue with childcare for this young girl is that neither her father nor mother are stepping up here and they are leaving it to you (which you're very kind to do) but it really isn't your job to be their safety net.

I'd say your DSD loved the extra responsibility here and learning how to do stuff, so you will be her bestie for doing it.

Gogogo12345 · 19/02/2025 09:55

ThisFluentBiscuit · 19/02/2025 05:49

That really does sound amazing to me. As do all the young children I'm hearing about on this thread cooking independently. I would never have thought young children could do this stuff. I couldn't! When you say get his own cereal and pb sarnies at four, how could he reach the shelves in the cupboards?

A 4-year-old cutting things with a knife, yikes!

Edited
Show quote history

Step stool lol. His mum also needs it to reach the cupboard lol. The nursery taught then in preschool room so 3 years up

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2025 10:40

My DS 10 can cut things up and make very simple meals like fajitas with supervision. He has ADHD though. He learnt knife skills and cooking at cubs/ scouts which is excellent.

He’s also allowed to walk home from school and to nearby places alone or with a friend, and can be left for a short period of time (doesn’t really like it though so rarely is in without me or 16 yo dd)

In your case the first few posters nailed it - fine, as she doesn’t like the way you look after her dd, you are no longer providing childcare.

Cheeky mare! And your DH is not without blame in facilitating her attitude.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2025 10:46

DD 16 can obviously cook but she hates it 😂

You have to work up gradually because obviously by 16 my dd can be left for a couple of days alone (I was away with DS at scout camp and her dad decided he was ill after we’d left - she didn’t want to get his germs!). She can travel independently to anywhere in the UK - she has also flown to Germany alone.

But it starts with small steps! If she hadn’t been making her own way to shops etc at 10/11 she wouldn’t be able to do any of that now.

Made me laugh because at one stage some friends’ parents were saying “oh yes you can go to Brighton on the train if Gertrude’sDD is there”!

Gogogo12345 · 19/02/2025 10:52

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 05:55

That's just it to me though, ages for different things can vary quite a bit according to the child and the parent.

But, to me, those "firsts" towards growing up are for the parents to decide, not for a stepparent who is just watching the girl over the holidays (while her husband is at work to support her and her daughter, I assume), without either parent's consent.

After reading the whole thread, I got the idea that she was playing the "I'm a better parent than your ex" game, which imo is just causing trouble unnecessarily.

I think it doesn't hurt a child to start cooking early, if their parent decides to let them, but it also doesn't hurt them to start cooking later either, if that's what their parent decides. All just my opinion, though.

Show quote history

The father is also the parent and he's fine with it

Berthatydfil · 19/02/2025 10:53

Tell her mum and dad if you aren't happy with the quality and standards of childcare provided by me, then I am happy to resign and leave you to find someone who conforms more closely to your standards.

Astronautstar · 19/02/2025 11:04

I would say I need to meet up with her. And then explain how it was. The problem might be the lack of direct communication. Maybe she would be fine if it was explained about the supervision etc.

Whatiswrongwithme1234 · 19/02/2025 14:32

I think the problem is OP. She thinks she knows best and is the 'expert'
There is a real element of 'pick me' and goading in her comments. Deliberately provocative was mentioned by another poster- and so apt!!

I wonder if she is perhaps jealous of the first wife.. maybe she is thinner or prettier than her.

This behaviour always comes from somewhere

RawBloomers · 19/02/2025 15:00

Whatiswrongwithme1234 · 19/02/2025 14:32

I think the problem is OP. She thinks she knows best and is the 'expert'
There is a real element of 'pick me' and goading in her comments. Deliberately provocative was mentioned by another poster- and so apt!!

I wonder if she is perhaps jealous of the first wife.. maybe she is thinner or prettier than her.

This behaviour always comes from somewhere

Which bits of OP’s comments say “pick me” to you?

Bearhunt468 · 19/02/2025 15:00

My 5 year old helps cook dinner with supervision. He chops veg and stirs on the hob! Id be refusing to look after just on principle to make a point.

thismummydrinksgin · 19/02/2025 15:43

So you have been spending quality time with her, not stuck her in front of a tv. Had her without your own child and you get criticised. I hope your DH put her straight

thepariscrimefiles · 19/02/2025 16:33

Whatiswrongwithme1234 · 19/02/2025 14:32

I think the problem is OP. She thinks she knows best and is the 'expert'
There is a real element of 'pick me' and goading in her comments. Deliberately provocative was mentioned by another poster- and so apt!!

I wonder if she is perhaps jealous of the first wife.. maybe she is thinner or prettier than her.

This behaviour always comes from somewhere

Your comment is ridiculous. OP is doing her step-daughter's mum a huge favour by looking after her daughter every holiday. Her DH, i.e. her step-daughter's father is happy with the care that she provides. If the mum doesn't like what she does, she can arrange her own childcare.

Why on earth do you think that OP is jealous of the first wife who must be thinner and prettier than her? The behaviour that you say must come from somewhere is OP providing free childcare for a child that isn't even her own.

If I were OP, I'd stop doing this and let her DSD's mum crack on without her help.

aspidernamedfluffy · 19/02/2025 16:41

Whatiswrongwithme1234 · 19/02/2025 14:32

I think the problem is OP. She thinks she knows best and is the 'expert'
There is a real element of 'pick me' and goading in her comments. Deliberately provocative was mentioned by another poster- and so apt!!

I wonder if she is perhaps jealous of the first wife.. maybe she is thinner or prettier than her.

This behaviour always comes from somewhere

Ridiculous speculation on your part. It's no different from learning to cook at school/guides/whatever. Would you argue against that or is it just involved SM's you have a problem with?

RawBloomers · 19/02/2025 16:43

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 06:22

If you read her posts carefully, she went on to deliberately send the girl to the store on her own, knowing it was a first, because she decided the girl needed to be more independent.

It's not taking orders, being treated like an employee or having her autonomy taken away to respect the parents' wishes for their child and ask before knowingly doing "firsts" with their daughter without either of their permission. I strongly disagree that she can do whatever she wants just because she's watching the girl for a few days while her husband earns the money to support her and her daughter. And sure, she can refuse to watch his child and then he can refuse to support her child.

It's also unnecessarily provocative. There's no need at all for all this.

Show quote history

He cannot reasonably refuse to support his own children. And if read carefully you will see that OP also works to support her family (which includes children that aren’t hers).

Her DH leaves her to parent. He’s entitled to do that. If he doesn’t approve of how his DC is being looked after he needs to have a conversation with OP about their shared values and how it’s going to work that suits them both.

Not simply tell her to do this or not do that. Because that sort of discussion is one of an employer to an employee, not a joint endeavour (which is what marriage is).

IamGrout · 19/02/2025 17:03

This is ridiculous and DSD's mum is a CF. I would ignore her and carry on how you are. You have a good relationship with your DSD and she sounds happy. Her mum has no say over what happens in your home.

Your husband should tell her that whilst in your care you will parent how you want. I presume he has no objection to how you are parenting your daughter and if he now decides that he wants DSD looked after in a different way then I would tell him that he is completely free to look after DSD himself or arrange alternative care if he isn't available because you won't be changing.

FWIW I would have done the same as you. My DS has been using knives in cooking since he was 6. By 8 he could use the hob to make himself an omelette (with supervision), and at age 10 I would pop out to do errands leaving him home for an hour or so. It is good for children to have a little responsibility.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2025 17:14

How did the conversation go between your DH and his ex about this situation?

laraitopbanana · 19/02/2025 19:33

Begger cannt be chooser.

You are not her ex therefore she can keep her wish and want OR keep her daughter 😁
If ex partner wants her words to be act upon, I suggest you leave DSD to her dad. Maybe he cares…

JustWalkingTheDogs · 19/02/2025 19:42

I'd be telling them both that if they don't like the way you look after your dad they are free to make alternate childcare arrangements

Bunny65 · 19/02/2025 19:58

You are providing free childcare and saving them a fortune. If your husband doesn't want the "hassle" then he can help fork out for alternative arrangements. His ex is disgusting for behaving like that. You didn't do anything wrong and no one came to any harm. Unless she wants to pay the going rate she should shut up and be grateful.

LadySinfiaSnoop · 19/02/2025 23:21

Sorry to disagree with most people, but I think having a good relationship with a step daughter is a lovely thing. I’ve been a stepdaughter myself and I was glad that my stepmum always treated me as her own daughter, even when my father was physically and mentally abusive to her and she had to leave him, she never forgot about me and my needs. My own daughter was a stepdaughter when my ex husband remarried and I constantly reminded her that being a stepmother is a very difficult job when she complained about her stepmum. I hope this helps you think again, although I think you are quite right to point out to her mother that you are treated as an unpaid nanny, but I’d take the higher ground here and maintain that loving relationship with your stepdaughter.

Buffs · 20/02/2025 01:20

you are very definitely not being unreasonable. Your childcare sounds faultless and she should be utterly grateful. If she wants to pay the swinging cost of childcare then she can dictate the terms. Personally I cannot understand how an 11 year can’t be left or cut vegetables. Furthermore you were particularly generous to be looking after her child when yours was busy and you could have enjoyed some downtime.