To feel like an unpaid nanny

[Outandabout43]

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

That really does sound amazing to me. As do all the young children I'm hearing about on this thread cooking independently. I would never have thought young children could do this stuff. I couldn't! When you say get his own cereal and pb sarnies at four, how could he reach the shelves in the cupboards?

A 4-year-old cutting things with a knife, yikes!

If she’s looking after her DH’s child while he goes out to work and he hasn’t given her instructions on what she is or isn’t to do, then she only has her own judgement to rely on. She cannot know everything the child has done in the other household, nor what is important to the parents if they haven’t told her. And she is not obliged to take orders from them as though she were an employee - because she isn’t. Even if her DH is supporting her and their joint DD. She gets autonomy over her own life which can quite reasonably include saying she will not look after DSD unless she is allowed to do so in the way she sees fit.

@MrsSunshine2b You must be a maths teacher. Love it how you made it out to be so simple calculating!

My 2yo has been using the children’s sharp knives to help cut veggies for a while now!

Yes, they should definitely trust your judgement if they’re expecting you to do all the unpaid childcare. It sounds like you’re having a lovely time with her and teaching her some much needed skills. Let both parents know that you love having DSD, but if they want to dictate the rules they’ll have to look for paid childcare.

I expect mum is just jealous that your DSD is having such a lovely time with you, but that’s 100% a her problem and she should have realised that before saying anything!

That's just it to me though, ages for different things can vary quite a bit according to the child and the parent.

But, to me, those "firsts" towards growing up are for the parents to decide, not for a stepparent who is just watching the girl over the holidays (while her husband is at work to support her and her daughter, I assume), without either parent's consent.

After reading the whole thread, I got the idea that she was playing the "I'm a better parent than your ex" game, which imo is just causing trouble unnecessarily.

I think it doesn't hurt a child to start cooking early, if their parent decides to let them, but it also doesn't hurt them to start cooking later either, if that's what their parent decides. All just my opinion, though.

So she was left alone for a little while , yet will be getting self to school and back soon

and chopping veg with a sharp knife 🙀🙀🙀

my 7yr does this at school and home

def get dh to tell mum to wind her neck in !!

This

If you read her posts carefully, she went on to deliberately send the girl to the store on her own, knowing it was a first, because she decided the girl needed to be more independent.

It's not taking orders, being treated like an employee or having her autonomy taken away to respect the parents' wishes for their child and ask before knowingly doing "firsts" with their daughter without either of their permission. I strongly disagree that she can do whatever she wants just because she's watching the girl for a few days while her husband earns the money to support her and her daughter. And sure, she can refuse to watch his child and then he can refuse to support her child.

It's also unnecessarily provocative. There's no need at all for all this.

11 sounds plenty old enough to me for ten minutes alone and veg chopping! I think you’re right that if you’re looking after her then your judgement is the one that counts!

Your childcare issues are no longer my responsibility.
I will not be looking after your child any more.

She's 11! My kids had been cooking for themselves for years at that point! (at first I'd do the oven for them, but even that they can do on their own by 11)

And nipping out to drop someone else off, in this modern day with phones etc. if she's the kind of child that's not going to set fire to the house and she's Ok with it is fine at 11 too (during covid, my eldest was that age, and I had no choice but to leave them alone - together or apart) occasionally - it was that or leave alone at home, or alone in the car while I shopped).

It's time for that kid to start getting some independence, you are exactly right, and if they want you to look after her, then you get to do it to your own judgement.

Is the OP doing the mum a favour? Surely the time OP has the child is the father's time therefore she is doing her DH a favour and Mum has a right to an opinion on her own child?

DH either sets his ex straight or makes his own arrangements for DSD, rather than pass on feedback to OP.

I do work myself, but lucky enough to be term time only hence I have both DD and DSD for all the holidays.

@Outandabout43 "Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove."

She must be a mumsnetter!

I'm a terrible parent as I worry about everything, I used to leave my DD11 at home for up to 30 mins at that same age! She's been baking by herself since she was 10 - 11 too - the mum is being a dick

"Your partner is the problem.

He is letting you take the flack of his cowardice in dealing with the DSD's mother."

This! Your husband is being a wet lettuce - does he have any idea how much money and hassle you are saving him by providing all the holiday childcare? It can be really stressful dealing with work and having to get kids to childcare or take time off when they are ill or the childminder goes on holiday.

I'd also be really pissed off that mum rang dad and not you. You are good enough to cover the childcare but not good enough to speak to directly? Rude AF imo.

Your husband, when he talks to her, really does need to remind her of how much benefit they both get as parents from this situation. And how much better it is for dd that she is looked after by someone who genuinely loves her. Many 11 year olds are home all day alone if their parents can't get holiday childcare and you are saving her from that and ensuring she has fun in the holidays.

Do schools still teach cooking / domestic science/ whatever it is called now? So 30 children all using a stove / cutting veg / boiling a kettle.

Tell mum she either trusts you or you can't do child care.

I think the ex should thank her lucky stars you are in her DD's life.

When is DD next with you? Maybe DD wants to cook a cake for her mum or maybe a dinner to take home with her. Shepherd's pie is a good one as it reheats really well.

My neice was cooking dinner for herself and siblings at 8. Time to say, no thanks, I'm not doing any more free childcare

My daughter is 12 and I still check with her friend's parents if I'm leaving them home alone. Because unless they're prepared for it, it would make me a bit anxious. So my only feedback is to make sure she knows what to do - what neighbours are around and nice, what to do in an emergency, etc. Am assuming she has a phone just in case too.

My kids started cooking with us from when they could stand up straight so that one is just baffling.

If I leave my kids with a friend then they are the parent and I have to rely on them. We have a lot of screen limits in this house but other homes don't follow our rules. Their house and I don't get to have an opinion - I can leave my kids there or not.

Oh really?

That’s not how I saw it at all.

11 isn’t early? Surely?

Now that her mum has objected I think you can’t leave her at home again. I think your husband should say she will be cooking again with close support and supervision as that’s entirely normal. Mum can choose not to do that but Dad can decide what happens at his house.

You are a very kind soul and obviously care very much about the children of your family. When I was 11, my parents would let me be home by myself for hours, cooking simple hot meals if I wanted. I loved to come home from school and have freshly cooked pasta with grated cheese at that age - my parents were happy to let me use the stove for that - I never had an accident. I think leaving an 11-year-old at home alone while you run a quick errand and then teaching them to cook under supervision is perfectly reasonable and lovely (step)-parenting.

My DSC (10 and 12) use knives (12yo uses an actual knife and 10yo uses one of those kids safety knives bc they don't feel as confident) and help chop things all the time. They also use the hob alone to do simple things such as heat up soup etc. She's being ludicrous. I'd set a boundary NOW before this gets out of hand... kindly explain that you will only do holiday childcare if you are trusted. She can have a week to think about it. Don't become a doormat who panders to these controlling whims.

OP parents after the child ALL holidays, EVERY holiday and I'm sure at other times when the child is at their house, she can't be treated as someone who just 'watches' the child like a childminder - she is parenting her in the capacity of a step parent. I'm a step parent and feel that we should be given credit where credit's due.

Absolutely. Your DSD's mother has absolutely no authority over how you look after her daughter. If she has issues with how her daughter is cared for at her exH's home she should take them up with her exH. Your DH delegated the care of DSD to you in good faith.

You sound like the perfect step mum and more. She’s too busy finding fault with you to see it though.