To feel like an unpaid nanny

[Outandabout43]

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

Wow, is she going to be ferried to High School right to the door by car when she starts? I see a lot of parents driving their teenage kids to our local high school and wonder what the hell has happened to giving them independance - non of my generation x got lifts and were perfectly capable of travelling solo on public transport and making simple meals for ourselves - think some parents these days have become way too over protective, and in this case out of order telling you how to care for DSD. You might want to tactfully express how offended you are by her criticism and suggestion, but be careful not to alienate them as you don't wan't to lose regular contact with DSD, which might be the backlash (don't know nature of her mum), good luck!

When I was just 12 I got ringworm and had to stay off school for 2 weeks.
I was left on my own every morning.
I read the whole of Gone With The Wind and everyday dm would come home to find me a sobbing mess because Bonnie or Melanie had died.
Fun days.

I wouldn't leave a Y6 home alone whilst I drove 10 minutes away.

However, the rest of the stuff is completely age appropriate.

You are acting like their Extra Mum. And providing free childcare. If BM doesn't like it then she is perfectly entitled to find childcare that she is more comfortable with.

If you are good enough to treat her in this lovely way (as your own) then you have every right to use your own judgement. Mum obviously doesn't like being made aware of the obvious bond you have with DSD. She does however appear to like the childcare ! She needs to stop and think.
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Well at 11 my DC was coming in from school to an empty house most days as myself and DP work or are taking younger DC to activities. They’d make their own dinner in the microwave or airfrier or reheat on the stove. The were also in alone all day during school holidays if I was working whilst younger DC would go to grandparents. They were at high school so no way they would’ve went to other childcare! They’re now 14 and perfectly competent at making various meals and looking after themselves if they need to. Given this I think your DSD’s mother is BVU. How will she ever be independent if she isn’t trusted to try?

You’ve gone awfully quiet since it came out that OP does infact work and doesn’t rely on her DH to pay all the bills. You thought you had her all sussed out and you didn’t lol

As your DH, her father is in agreement with you, then I'd crack on and carry on with your existing approach. The child is 11yrs old and none of those things are inappropriate for that age. The mother is either jealous or plain ridiculous.

ETA but any further demands to stop doing these appropriate things with her from her mum, I'd just hand your notice in....oh wait 😏

Just tell her to eff off. And, DH should grow a pair and tell her too!!

"Her parents are at liberty to source other childcare if they don’t
like the free service you provide."

Agree with this and similar comments.

I share an office with the food tech department. They despair at how many kids have never been allowed to do anything in the kitchen! Some have no clue how to wash up at all. Some never used a tin opener, a peeler, kettle or a sharp knife. It's sounds like you're giving her the right level of independence for a 11 year old.

A four year old who has been told how to use a knife correctly and being supervised is fine.

They should be able to eat with a knife and fork so learning to use a sharper knife is not that much of a step up. Have a look at Jamie Oliver teaching his children to use a knife safely.

@seven201 washing up I get, we had a dishwasher at home when I was 11 so I'd only washed up odd single items. We were actually taught the right order to was up in and if I'm hand washing I stick to that.

Personally I think Masterchef Junior should be compulsory viewing. Children who sometimes need a step stool to reach the hob making full meals and taking over restaurants.

What happens at her house your husband hasn’t a say and what happens at your house she hasn’t a say. It’s at her home her rules and judgement and your home yours and your husbands rules and judgement. I have only ever expressed my concerns to my ex husband twice in 5 years since the split and that was once 5 years ago just after the split when his now wife was given my children coffee. Something I strongly disagree with and he knew this. I was respectful, and politely asked that my wishes be respected. They then were. And the second time was actually only yesterday and a rang him after finding out there were cat litter trays for his wife’s 7 indoor cats in their bedrooms when they are there. I didn’t demand but pointed out that yes it’s her home but, it is rather disgusting and unhygienic to have them where the children sleep and the kids are not happy about it cos it smells. I mean not just me is it at how disgusting that is?! I did ask if the ex had one in their room to which they do not so just asked why that’s ok for the children? I wasn’t rude, or demanding and he has agreed how disgusting it is and will be having a word with his wife.

on the other hand my now husbands ex wife was completely unreasonable I was ok to have step son as and when was good for her and work because I’m a stay at home mum. But thought she could dictate rules in our home until I had a nice word and just explained my home my rules and judgement although I would not purposely be disrespectful she doesn’t get to dictate in our home. She has finally chilled the f out once she realised my husband and I are a united front and she has no say 😂

YANBU, you are providing free childcare and if she isn't happy with it she can source other childcare.
I looked after my bloke's little sister after school when she was 7 as she didn't get a spot in the after school club and I had her helping me cook and clean and things like that, definitely is fine to be cooking at 11! And perfectly fine to leave alone if the child themselves is comfortable with it.

Husband should have shut this down for you.

I think that your DSD would enjoy spending time with you and learning new things, especially as she is going to senior school soon. It would be a shame for her to lose having you around. I think DH needs a word with her Mom.

Agree with this. There’s no way I would agree to being the childcare for the full summer holidays.
Also has the been a reduction in child maintenance? I know it goes on overnights but you are feeding her all day and probably also spending money on trips out?

If you are happy to have the pair of them making a fool of you carry on providing childcare. If you don't want to be a mug, stand up for yourself.

In London most children at 11 are either already at secondary school or preparing for it, so getting used to travelling to and from school by themselves, often on on trains and buses. They may very well also cook themselves a snack if they arrive home before an adult does. Is your DSD a very 'young' 11? I'm afraid I'd also say that either you are trusted to parent her as you see fit, or you don't look after her at all.

Interested to know DH’s take on this. If it was me, it’s my way or the highway I’m afraid. Find someone else to look after her if they don’t like what you’re doing. Personally I think you’ve been completely reasonable, treated her like she’s your own, and, just to add, my 7 year old peels carrots and potatoes with a safe peeler so an 11 year old ought to be ok supervised!!

Why?

many year 6 walk to school alone

yes I’m not looking forward to that when mini blondes now yr3 does this in 3yrs time

but being at home safe watching tv while pop out for 10/20mins shouldn’t be an issue at 10/11

Her mum is taking the absolute piss or she might even be jealous seeing as it made DD so happy (as pathetic as that sounds I've seen it). My own DD is 11 next month and she cooked pancakes with very little supervision! The only thing I did was light the stove and toss it for her!

Message Mum back saying 'if I'm trusted enough to care for your child, then please trust me enough to make judgement calls on what your child can & can't do whilst in my care. If that's not suitable please arrange alternative childcare as I will not be dictated to in my own home/time'