To feel like an unpaid nanny

[Outandabout43]

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

I'm pretty sure I did domestic science at secondary school at 11. Chopping and using stoves and that.

I was making a pot of tea and laying and starting a fire when I was very young.

My 7&9 year olds use knives for prepping food - have done for years. They are starting to use the hob, with appropriate supervision. Children being involved in cooking is so important.
You're approach is fine - wonder if Mum is a bit jealous about what you're doing and that accounts for the digs......

When will he be having the discussion about you not being unpaid childcare?

How would the ex wife have liked you to deal with the situation?
By not taking your own DD to her friend’s house? Or by insisting that against her will DSD got in the car to accompany you?
Neither option seems acceptable. Her mother seems singularly ungrateful for your help in looking after her child when your time own child wasn’t even home.

Yep, I'd be doing this

An 11 year old should be perfectly capable of those things. Carry on treating her as a capable 11 year old whilst she's in your care and leave your DH to deal with her mother. If he insists you mollycoddle her then suggest they find a holiday club for her instead (some of which have cooking activities with hobs).

I'd just carry on as you are , ignore the woman.

Make it very clear to your husband that when you're in sole charge of your stepdaughter, you'll decide what she can and can't do. Then it's up to him to deal with his ex how he sees fit.

Blow her mums mind by telling her my dd would often cook dinner at age 11 for the whole household, home with just her dsis 2 years older, not because i expected it but because she loved cooking, she wanted to be a chef (dramatic change of heart in the end)

Separately I think the parents can set rules about what she is allowed to do unsupervised, and actually you should stay within those bounds.

Her father, 50% of her parents, had no problem or are you saying he is not allowed an opinion regarding his child? If that's the case then every school holiday should be spent with her super-mum, let her continue to be a poor parent.

That's such a shame it sounds like she had a lovely time and benefitted from your input

I was cooking full roast dinners at 10.

It's nuts to think a 11 year old can't do some supervised chopping and stirring. My 6 year old does that.

No wonder we have a generation of incapable children lacking resilience- they keep being told they can't do anything.

This seems nasty and bitter of the mum. How do you get on with her generally?

I always made a big effort with my DSDs but the mum always stuck the knife in. No I wasn't the OW.

If I suggested taking them to a movie she'd tell me it was wholly unsuitable - then take them herself. She told me she was disgusted that I'd left the 12 year old alone for half an hour in our home with the neighbours on standby - she left her overnight in a remote and insecure house. She said I was irresponsible for keeping alcohol in the home - i rarely drink and never at home, she polishes off minimum a bottle most nights. And so on.

YANBU
I wonder if her mum got the wrong story. Maybe she thought you'd left her cooking while you went out.

Send her an invoice for child care... And add on extra for cookery lesson.
Or send links to local child minders
..

Wouldn't be surprised if DSD went home telling mum what a lovely time she had, and it went down like a cup of cold sick. Sounds like you have a great relationship with DSD.

It is, however for your husband to manage. If he’s comfortable with your parenting of her, carry on. If not, he and DSD mum need to teach DSD that when you say you’re going out, she’s not to refuse but come along with you like a well behaved little girl.

Option 3 they can manage their child’s childcare themselves.

I’m not saying nitpick, I’m saying have a discussion about it beforehand. In the same way my DH or I might discuss the very same issue before it happened.

It is also ok to discuss (again not nitpicking) if you feel a decision has been made that you don’t agree with. Both my DH and I have said after the fact that we weren’t happy with something and agreed we’d rethink in the future. Surely that’s just parenting like adults?

Pay no attention. It's not up to her what SD does on DH's time. If DH is happy, that's all you need to worry about, and it's his responsibility to draw boundaries with her Mum.

At 11 I was doing cookery at school. We were taught how to deep fry, learning to watch for the point where the oil smoked at which point you put the food in. This is many, many years ago and of course it was supervised by ONE domestic science teacher with a group of about 15 girls. So, I think teaching an 11 year old to chop veg and cook on the hob is entirely ok.
An 11 year old is also ok at home on their own for a short while.
Tell her mother you won't be providing free childcare any more so she will have to arrange it from now on.

Please help, I’m trying to work out how much monthly salary I would get if I took a job for 30 hrs a week for 38 weeks when it says 27,450 FTE. Any one good with sum that could explain it. Many thanks

That would be fine unless the mother is making DSD feel conflicted and shitty about what had been a source of pride.

It looks like the free childcare stops today, then.. what a shame for them.

I think you may be on the wrong thread, but I assuming FT is 40 hours, there are 52 weeks in a year and a FT employee gets 5.6 weeks of paid holiday, bringing it down to 46.25 weeks working weeks in a year for a FT employee.

£27,450 / 46.25 = 593.51 per FT working week
593.51 / 40 = 14.84 as the hourly rate.

£14.84 x 30 x 38 = £16,915.14

£16,915.14 / 12 = £1409.59

You would need to use a take home pat calculator to calculate take home pay depending on your circumstances.

Please do this!! Let them fork out for childcare and I bet then she will change her tune

If I was left with responsibility for another person's child I probably wouldn't leave them in the house alone without checking with their parent/carer (unless I knew them well enough to make the judgement myself).