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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an unpaid nanny

197 replies

Outandabout43 · 18/02/2025 19:46

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

OP posts:
user1471538275 · 18/02/2025 20:44

@WhatWasPromised I disagree.

Her partner doesn't get to nitpick - if he wants different childcare for his child then he can bloody well pay for it or provide it.

Snorlaxo · 18/02/2025 20:45

Yanbu
Year 7 do food tech lessons which require using a hob.

Original poster
Outandabout43 · 18/02/2025 20:45

DH said he would speak to mum tomorrow and have a discussion about letting DSD be more independent. I honestly do love having her here and me, DSD and DD all have a lovely time, unless they are bickering which is another situation in itself 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Outandabout43 · 18/02/2025 20:46

Snorlaxo · 18/02/2025 20:45

Yanbu
Year 7 do food tech lessons which require using a hob.

This was my argument

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 18/02/2025 20:46

The cooking issue seems quite insulting to me. She doesn't trust you to adequately supervise her with knives and using the stove. This feels like judgement on you too.

The leaving at home thing - I agree it should be fine to leave an 11yo as long as they are happy, but I can understand her concern if she hasn't done it yet. I'd probably be willing to let that one slide if that was the only complaint.

Fuuuuuckit · 18/02/2025 20:48

Heelworkhero · 18/02/2025 19:49

Thank her for her advice and let them know you’re stepping down from childcare now.

Yup. This. With immediate effect.

Both parents are being CFs.

grumpygrape · 18/02/2025 20:51

Good grief, I was left alone with a stranger in her house for a couple of hours at age 10 to cook a meal to get my Brownie cooking badge. I had to use a knife to peel veggies, I had only ever used a peeler before so that was a bit different, and I had to use a gas hob, and light it myself, which I’d never used before.

I think you’re doing great for your DSD but can understand her mother possibly being jealous you are having such a good relationship and I can also understand your DH not wanting to incur his ex’s wrath. I’d tell your DH you’re going to crack on as you have been and if either he or his ex don’t like it they can arrange for some random stranger to look after her.

Let DH see this thread and suggest he reinforces to her Mum that when DSD is in his home he gets to set the risk assessment rules. It's called Parental Responsibility..... 😉

FOJN · 18/02/2025 20:53

If she had called you to chat I think I would feel slightly differently but she called your husband to discuss your performance as the care giver to their child. I'm not surprised you feel like an unpaid nanny.

As for your husband not wanting hassle with his daughter's mum I'd tell him to grow a back bone or you will stop providing free childcare.

Zanatdy · 18/02/2025 20:54

The mum is being ridiculous. At 11 mine were all latch key kids (and DS2, only just 11 being an August birth) so I started leaving them home alone for short periods from 9 or 10 probably. The cooking thing is mad, as you were with her, not like she was using the cooker alone when you left her alone.

I do think her mum needs to be mindful you are looking after her and none of what you did was neglectful or dangerous. If she isn’t happy, she can look at holiday clubs.

Superfrog3 · 18/02/2025 20:55

My 2 year old helps me cook curries on the hob. Her mum seems unrealistic and also jealous that you did something nice with her daughter. She needs to get a grip and if she doesn't like she needs to take care of DSD.

Some people will always be bitter or have something to say.

Bobbybobbins · 18/02/2025 20:57

What a lovely step mum you are! If it were me, I'd be so glad my step child is being looked after so well and learning a new skill too.

NotVeryFunny · 18/02/2025 21:01

Vaxtable · 18/02/2025 19:48

She’s 11 not 2. I would tell the mum that if she is not happy with how you are liking after her child for free then she and her father need to sort paid childcare away from you

This. Her mum is being ridiculous. She's more than old enough to be left alone due short periods and to use a stove with supervision!!! To be honest she's old enough to use a.stove without supervision but if she's not been taught then she obviously needs to learn it first!

MumWifeOther · 18/02/2025 21:08

She’s being ungrateful. Neither of these things are neglectful, and actually I think it’s lovely of you to involve her in the cooking. If her DM doesn’t trust you, then she shouldn’t leave her in your care.

Achyarms · 18/02/2025 21:09

My 4 yo cuts veg and stirs on the hob under supervision. 12 year old? Precious mum vibe!!

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/02/2025 21:11

Well, this takes the cake.

Is this mainly her way of having a dig at you?

She can't honestly think that a child that age is unsafe at home for a few minutes? And we were cooking far younger than 11; in fact I still have a cookbook I received more than 50 years ago that was geared directly at children, including cutting up fruit for fruit cup and slicing sausage for a breakfast treat.

Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell the child's mother that when DSD is under your supervision, you will determine what is age-appropriate and what is not. Or she can find another babysitter.

Survivingnotthriving24 · 18/02/2025 21:13

God help that child as an adult, at 11 I had a night each week to make dinner unsupervised had a few meals I could make comfortably.

CandidHedgehog · 18/02/2025 21:14

Tell her you completely understand that she wants to make different arrangements for childcare and that you won’t be caring for DSD any more.

Then watch her frantically backtrack.

connachtgobragh · 18/02/2025 21:15

Re the hob, from age 7 I was allowed to put a kettle on to boil, to make a cup of tea for my mum and dad. I was very proud! Your DSD is lucky to have you help her with some very basic life skills!

RawBloomers · 18/02/2025 21:15

I think your line needs to be - If you want her cared for differently, then find someone else to do it. I use my best judgement. If that isn't good enough for you you need to find someone whose judgement you do trust.

Agree that your DH should be tackling his ex about DD's independence, but let him do that. Don't accept being treated as the nanny by either of them, but don't get involved in criticising the Ex's parenting either.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/02/2025 21:16

“If you want to dictate how childcare is provided, might I suggest some holiday clubs for you to try. I’m quite happy not parenting your daughter during the holidays and providing free childcare and do it as a favour. “

GabriellaMontez · 18/02/2025 21:16

If they'd like to fire you...

cadburyegg · 18/02/2025 21:17

YANBU. You sound like a lovely stepmum.

MyrtleLion · 18/02/2025 21:19

I think she's embarrassed that you're teaching her DD to cook in her stead. That is why she's lashing out. She wants to be the one to teach her DD to cook. She may feel that you've taken that away ffrom her and that you're judging her for not teaching her DD to cook already.

Wonderi · 18/02/2025 21:21

I voted YABU because I personally wouldn’t leave an 11yo alone when I know her parents don’t usually do it/aren’t happy with it.

There are lots of things I do with my own kids that I wouldn’t do with my nieces and nephews etc.

However, I think the stove thing is ridiculous.

You are very kind to be looking after her so mum and dad can both work.

And although I would agree to not leaving her alone in future, I think DH needs to remind his ex how much you’re doing them both a huge favour.

Graniteisaverygoodsurface · 18/02/2025 21:22

Using a stove under supervision at 11 is very normal and healthy. Is this happening during DH’s scheduled time or DSD’s Mum’s scheduled time. I think that makes a difference. Because if it’s the latter I’d be telling her to make alternative arrangements. If it’s the former… I’d be telling him to make alternative arrangements.