To feel like an unpaid nanny

[Outandabout43]

In the holidays I have DSD as both her mum and dad work and I'm off with DD anyway. Have no problems having her and she is no trouble at all. DSD is 11.

Yesterday I had to take DD to a friend's a 10 min drive away, DSD didn't want to come so I left her at home watching TV whilst I took DD. I came home and me and DSD did some cooking together and made a curry with her using the hob and cutting veg under my strict supervision, she was so excited to learn to cook and really proud of her work.

Today DH gets a call from Mum to say I should not of left her alone and she should not be doing dangerous things such as using the stove.

AIBU to think that if I'm trusted to have her all the holidays then I should be trusted with my own judgement, or should I just do as mum wants as she is DSDs mum and therefore her rules should be respected.

The leaving home alone is hard to say, I know 11yos who could be safely left but I know others who definitely couldn't so there's definitely a judgement call there that none of us can really comment on.

The cooking is ridiculous- 11 is old enough to safely follow instructions. My 2yo I am teaching to cook!

Separately I think the parents can set rules about what she is allowed to do unsupervised, and actually you should stay within those bounds.

Her DH seems to be fine with her bounds though, it's just the ex.

She's being ridiculous! My kids could all cook a family meal with minimal supervision at that age. Tell her if she's not happy with your childcare she is free to make alternative arrangements. I hope your DH backs you up.

Really? You think she doesn't know her stepdaughter well enough???

If I am in charge of children, it's my way or the highway. Parents don't like it, they can find someone else. Not here to ve second guessed.

Tell them both that you are no long comfortable doing childcare and that they now need to source and fund alternative arrangements.

Watch DSD's mum back pedal so fast her knees will burst into flames.

DH needs to remind mum that he is responsible for what DSD does when he's looking after her. If he mentions her comments to you, ask him If he wants to make other childcare arrangements or thank you for your help.

Christ, we went to primary school at 8 on the bus!

"It's not the perfect daycare, but you can't beat the price!" 😂

I used to say that when I lived abroad and my folks would come and stay, and complain about domestic matters, when I worked full-time and they never helped. "It's not the best hotel but you can't beat the price!" Shut them right up. 🤭

Can't believe the children aged 10-11 who can make full meals unsupervised. I'd have burnt the house, and myself, to a crisp.

The cheek!
YANBU.

We did. No microwaves back then, either. Gas hob.

Option 1: You very kindly look after DSD a lot, and spend some of that time engaging with her, teaching her skills, enhancing her holiday time.
Option 2: DSD's parents sort out DSD's holiday times, choosing (and paying) for the kind of care they want.

Mum needs to pick an option.

'To feel like an unpaid Nanny'
Isn't that what you are? And you signed up for it too.
It sounds as though you really want a pat on the back.. recognition of what a great mum you are..
Maybe try less and achieve more. It doesn't sound as though you are being appreciated for your cooking / babysitting efforts.
So, don't do it

Yes exactly. If she has an issue with it, she could try some parenting herself

Time for them to sort childcare - perhaps you could have her one day a week if the DC enjoy spending time together?

Resign from charitable unpaid work.
Now

Before voting, I'm wondering if there's more to this story, as far as why his ex-wife seems to resent you. Were you, by any chance, the OW?

Also, this post below... It strikes me as instigating. Like you might be trying to do what the girl's mother seems to have an issue with, which is act like her daughter's parent and make parenting decisions. You already know she doesn't like that, so if you're on the up and up, why would you deliberately do something along the same lines again?

I think the mother left the daughter with the daughter's father and he chose you to care for his and his ex's daughter, while he was at work. That doesn't make you the girl's parent or give you the right to make parenting decisions, regardless of your opinions on what the girl should be doing at her age. Does it?

Would you like it if your daughter's father's girlfriend/wife took it upon herself to decide what next steps toward growing up your daughter was ready for and enacted them on her own? I know I wouldn't.

I'm not completely sure but this post below did make me think again. I'd advise parenting your own daughter and staying out of how your husband and his ex decide between them to parent their daughter. If you want a harmonious existence, you need to act accordingly.

Outandabout43 · Yesterday 20:00
DH agrees with me she does need to be more independent but doesn't want the hassle with mum. I'm dreading it when she finds out she went to the local shop with her own bank card to buy herself something (local shop is 30 second walk away). My attitude is she starts secondary school in September and needs to start learning life skills but wasn't sure if I was overstepping the mark

It's good that you have freedom of expression amongst the lot of you.
I would reply - Thanks for the feedback DSD'sM, I do properly supervise when cooking and I still will offer for DSD to join in if she feels like it.
The leaving home alone for fifteen minutes, I judged was safe enough, given that DSD is 11, however I respect your opinion and will always ask DSD to accompany me and DD when I run short errands in future.
I enjoy having DSD in the holidays and DD loves her company.

If what I offer is not what DSD needs, feel free to book DSD into another holiday care arrangement.

She's 11. That age group are taking the bus and train to and from school

Also, if your husband is at work to support you and your daughter while you are able to stay home with your daughter, then it's not really "charity work" for you to watch his daughter too while he's at work over the holidays, is it?

Nor does it give you parenting privileges over that child.

I'm sure step-parenting is hard but after reading this whole thread, from my understanding I do think you are overstepping.

It's not that hard to just let the parents be the parents and ask before doing any "firsts" with their daughter. You can decide how to parent your own daughter.

Nobody wins with an unnecessary power struggle, least of all the children, who have no doubt already been put through enough due to their parents' problems.

I could do a roast dinner at 10. Really not unusual

DS was cutting peppers etc at 4 years old. And mixing in with cooked pasta. Also able to get his own cereal and make peanut butters sandwiches

Nonsense.

Of course she has parental authority over the child, when she is the parent in charge.

She is not required to be deferential to her husband or his ex on matters of common sense, nor does she require their approval for her everyday decision making when the DSD is there.

As a babysitter let alone a co parent, I would expect that level of autonomy and respect.

Nonsense back at you. She is not that child's parent, therefore she does not have parental authority over that child. Her husband and his ex are that child's parents. Just because she is watching his child (while he goes to work to pay their bills, mind you), that alone does not confer parental status on her. And "firsts" with a child are beyond everyday decisions. I'm not interested in arguing with you so you can answer the OP instead of me from now on.

My kids have had age appropriate knife sets since age 4!

8 y old regularly makes pancakes on the hob. He knows he isn't allowed to turn it on until I'm in the room.

Eight! Can he even reach the hob properly?

There are age-appropriate knife sets for 4-year-olds??