To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

Worndownb · 2025-02-18T13:35:31+00:00

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same. They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant. They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life. Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into. As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

AmusedGoose · 18/02/2025 13:42

Sorry you are being unreasonable. You obviously don't like them much so be honest about meeting up etc so they aren't making allowances and using their free time. I wouldn't use them for childcare except for emergencies as that is unreasonable. Hope they get on with their lives and give you and your sister the freedom you so desire. Hopefully your daughter will treat you the same.

deconstructingKaren · 18/02/2025 13:45

I think the first response is unfair, just try and be civil and keep the best relationship you can.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 18/02/2025 13:48

The cold shoulder =The Silent Treatment which is acknowledged as abuse now..
Take their cue....
Remember silence is golden. Leave them to it. As an adult you can decide who takes your time. Doesn't have to be them just because you are their dd.. Been nc with my dps for decades. They leave me feeling rubbish and my mh shot so I ditched them...

MyPearlCrow · 18/02/2025 13:49

AmusedGoose · 18/02/2025 13:42

Sorry you are being unreasonable. You obviously don't like them much so be honest about meeting up etc so they aren't making allowances and using their free time. I wouldn't use them for childcare except for emergencies as that is unreasonable. Hope they get on with their lives and give you and your sister the freedom you so desire. Hopefully your daughter will treat you the same.

Crikey, that’s touched a nerve for you hasnt it @AmusedGoose ?!

op, you are not being unreasonable. Relationships are two way and consensual. If they want to see DD more they can ask. Sulking is what toddlers do when they don’t get their own way.

Id breeze on through. Arrange to see them when it suits you, and breeze on past any nonsense.Ignorning tantrums tends to make them go away.

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 18/02/2025 13:49

Weird first response. They sound quite stressful. Of course you can’t see them every week, I expect you are knackered. They could do with being a bit more understanding of the huge pressure people are under trying to hold things together with young kids.

ilovesooty · 18/02/2025 13:51

How close do they live to you? I think that has some relevance when considering frequency of visits.

ethelredonagoodday · 18/02/2025 13:55

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 18/02/2025 13:49

Weird first response. They sound quite stressful. Of course you can’t see them every week, I expect you are knackered. They could do with being a bit more understanding of the huge pressure people are under trying to hold things together with young kids.

Agree.

My parents (DM and DSD) are similar, OP. See them probably once a fortnight, but find them quite hard going.

They sometimes try to push to see us more often, but it's always on their terms, and we both work and the kids have clubs etc. And we now have friends who've almost stepped into the family role; when the kids were small and I could have really done with some help, neither of our DPs were interested, at all, so friends became our support network.

blacksax · 18/02/2025 13:55

AmusedGoose · 18/02/2025 13:42

Sorry you are being unreasonable. You obviously don't like them much so be honest about meeting up etc so they aren't making allowances and using their free time. I wouldn't use them for childcare except for emergencies as that is unreasonable. Hope they get on with their lives and give you and your sister the freedom you so desire. Hopefully your daughter will treat you the same.

And where in the OP does it mention childcare?

Answer - nowhere, so I don't know why you are bringing that up.

MikeRafone · 18/02/2025 13:56

Wait and see if they call then actually say or ask
were you annoyed as you did see grandchild before you went on holiday?

communicate with them a little more bluntly, if you think they are annoyed then ask if that is the case

but you need to remember its not your fault if they are annoyed

just say to them - well what can you do so that doesn't happen in the future

and don't let them give you as the answer - say no its not down to me, its you that is annoyed you need to think of a solution and ask at the time, I might be able to help or I might not but no good being annoyed if you don't help yourself

Hazel665 · 18/02/2025 13:56

YANBU. Been said many times on here, but you reap what you sow. So often, parents who don't treat their children nicely are surprised when said children struggle to respond to their increasing demands for attention/care as they become elderly.

Original poster

Worndownb · 18/02/2025 13:57

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 18/02/2025 13:49

Weird first response. They sound quite stressful. Of course you can’t see them every week, I expect you are knackered. They could do with being a bit more understanding of the huge pressure people are under trying to hold things together with young kids.

@EggFriedRiceAndChips i think you hit the nail on the head with the word stressful. I used to try and manage it and enjoy the pockets of time with them amidst the stressful moments when they would suddenly guilt trip me or pressure me etc but now I just am too tired to even engage with it. I was relieved when they went away for a couple of weeks as I was guilt free!

OP posts:

Nothatgingerpirate · 18/02/2025 13:58

No, of course you aren't obliged.
My parents get exactly what they gave in the past.
I have freedom and my own rules as an adult.

Original poster

Worndownb · 18/02/2025 13:58

blacksax · 18/02/2025 13:55

And where in the OP does it mention childcare?

Answer - nowhere, so I don't know why you are bringing that up.

Show quote history

Yes @AmusedGoose they don’t provide childcare but probably would if asked (though it wouldn’t be consistent as they are busy too)

OP posts:

BarneyRonson · 18/02/2025 13:59

They’ve always been there for you, albeit not thought the same thoughts as you.

you don’t want to always be there for them, and don’t think the same thoughts as them.

doodleygirl · 18/02/2025 13:59

Its easy to look back and criticise, I wonder what your DD might say in 30 yrs when reflecting on her upbringing.

Most parents just try their best to get it right but as we all know, we fail as well.

Perhaps kindness is the way to go.

Influencerofcrap · 18/02/2025 14:01

I think there’s a middle ground to be found here - could you not explain to them how you feel, how busy you are and maybe arrange a couple of times a month to meet up with them?

Of course though, you must know that by posting this here, you will be told to cut all contact because of how highly toxic they supposedly are.

BlitheSpirits · 18/02/2025 14:02

Hazel665 · 18/02/2025 13:56

YANBU. Been said many times on here, but you reap what you sow. So often, parents who don't treat their children nicely are surprised when said children struggle to respond to their increasing demands for attention/care as they become elderly.

But they have treated OP nicely from what i can gather.
how far away do you live from them?

Zucker · 18/02/2025 14:02

Leave them to it, if they want to sulk let them. You don't have to be witness to it!

They're only in their 60's, I presume still lead active lives. The answer might be slightly different if they were in their 80's and relied on family for company.

Original poster

Worndownb · 18/02/2025 14:03

Influencerofcrap · 18/02/2025 14:01

I think there’s a middle ground to be found here - could you not explain to them how you feel, how busy you are and maybe arrange a couple of times a month to meet up with them?

Of course though, you must know that by posting this here, you will be told to cut all contact because of how highly toxic they supposedly are.

@Influencerofcrap i don’t want to cut contact. I understand for some people that is best but it’s not what I would do.

I always try and be reasonable and make the effort to see them, it’s never enough though… unless they’re busy in which case I don’t hear from them ..

OP posts:

Clarice99 · 18/02/2025 14:04

I agree that the first response is weird.

YANBU OP. Your parents sound like hard work with their moods and cold shouldering. It's stress that you don't need, or invite.

As suggested earlier, just keep it light/civil if possible.

You have a life of your own. You're not an extension of your parents and their passive aggressive behaviour is not a reflection on you. It's on them.

Vaxtable · 18/02/2025 14:05

AmusedGoose · 18/02/2025 13:42

Sorry you are being unreasonable. You obviously don't like them much so be honest about meeting up etc so they aren't making allowances and using their free time. I wouldn't use them for childcare except for emergencies as that is unreasonable. Hope they get on with their lives and give you and your sister the freedom you so desire. Hopefully your daughter will treat you the same.

@AmusedGoose

did you actually read the post before you wrote this? Are you really saying that it’s acceptable for the op to be given the cold shoulder by her parents because she couldn’t meet them?

if you think that her parents behaviour is acceptable, I am glad you are not my parent

Mary46 · 18/02/2025 14:05

Do they live near? I think keep communication open. Not easy juggling jobs and kids. Mine is 80s but my boundaries tight. Big snot if doesnt get her own way.

BendingSpoons · 18/02/2025 14:06

PILs used to do this to DH. If they hadn't seen or spoken to him enough they would leave a stroppy voicemail and then go silent. He used to call and placate them but has stopped now. They do it far less and when they do, he leaves them to it and they get over it in a few days.

curious79 · 18/02/2025 14:06

My first observation here is that you are dealing with relatively young people, albeit parents, who at their ages should be active, have their own social group, and could even be working - many do. Thus the way they are leaning on you and playing these silly games is truly toxic.

Have you spoken to a counsellor / therapist? I suspect this is a long term pattern that you're only just noticing in connection to their GD - you suggest as much. You'll need strategies for dealing with it.

You could try speaking to them - I wonder how much they'll listen? The pattern is you subsuming your needs to them. There's a lifetime of habits to break. Given their keenness to see their GD you could use that as leverage to get them into family counselling?

sesquipedalian · 18/02/2025 14:07

“I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went.”

Why should you arrange for them to see DD? If I want to see my DC or DGC, then I ask, and if they’re busy, that’s fine. I certainly don’t expect them to arrange for me to see their children - that’s just strange!