To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

[Worndownb]

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same.

They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant.

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life.

Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.

As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

To answer your question - yes.

The older they have become, they have become a bit less understanding of other peoples lives. My DM hasn't worked since she was about 25, so has no comprehension of working FT, whilst running a house and 2 preteens

They have a lot less going on in their lives, and many more hours to fill. And we unfortunately cannot fill them all for them!

My parents are like this, in the end I moved to the other side of the country to escape the guilt trips even then my mother still brings it up a decade later and is very sour to my DH.
My brother who lives a hour away from them rarely see them either - and they still won't admit fault.

In this situation a useful method is to show them you really love them and at the same time to not spend time with them, if you don't want to as you say, because they can be toxic, whatever that means, is to give them a holiday (according to your budget) ever so often - I don't know - once a year maybe. They will feel great, you will feel great and you will live happily ever after. You can't change them, they were, as you say, always there for you (obviously on their terms - how else?) and you just don't 'gel', which is fine.

Old people, grandparents, will be thrilled - grandparents are usually saddled with their snotty grandchildren as if it were an immense prize or something when people talk about inter-generational family interaction. Believe me, they don't want that. They want to have a nice time, having worked all their lives and having been brining you and your sibling up - it is like having 3 jobs - working, then 'being there' for 2 siblings until they are 40. Treat them, once a year - everyone will win.

Wtf are you on about? Did you read the bit about how OPs parents behave?
I'd say if anything, OPs parents don't like her much.

I could have easily written this myself!

You are not being unreasonable at all, the first response is obviously someone who doesn't quite understand!

Their behaviour absolutely mimics that of my father and he can be very much like this (unfortunately I lost my mum when I was 18), but life after the loss of my mum was very much like this.

The cold shoulder treatment and no contact is their way of "controlling" which often is a learnt behaviour that their parents used against them, I've recently learnt that my late grandmother was very much like this to my father.

Sometimes life just gets busy, and even when my father says he's coming over on Mondays (which is currently my day off in the week with my son) it can be very difficult when I have to say sorry but we've got plans to get a few jobs done, see friends or whatever the plans may be, I'll sometimes have to say that we're busy due to life and I get the cold shoulder for days, weeks on end.

My father hasn't seen my daughter since Christmas (which from memory was the 23rd December) it's very difficult to explain to a 5 year old that 'grandad' isn't coming over or he's 'busy'

My husband and I often discuss this, as he can see how it affects me, as unfortunately it's our children who miss out too.

You are the one in control of what you want to do. If they choose to sulk and not contact you that's on them, please don't beat yourself up about it.

I'm still smarting at 60 odd year old parents being referred to as 'ageing' 😭

Hmm projection much??

Are you feeling ok because there’s making shit up and then there’s your comment. Your either on the wrong thread or the post hit a nerve either way take it somewhere else.

I agree entirely.

And as someone who is 67, I find it highly offensive to be described as 'ageing'. I common with many people, I'm still working and contributing to society and would be furious if my daughter referred to me in such a disrespectful way.

Sure.
And sacrificing your complete mug life.
No thanks!
😂

I think it depends how local you are, if you are nearby at least once weekly would be a reasonable expectation from them, but suggest to set and manage boundaries if you are not going to do that.

If considerable cost and distances are involved in a visit weekly is not a reasonable expectation.

Yes, I thought that this was going to be about personal care for parents in their eighties or nineties.

It sounds like they do ask, but OP says no. So they now wait for her to arrange it and make an effort. Which she isn’t doing.

It also sounds like they haven’t done anything wrong. She says herself that they have been there for her when the chips are down, it was just her who thought they might not be so she made herself to be independent. But they have been there when needed.

I actually don’t think the parents are the problem in this one, and I’m usually on the side against the parents.

The cold shoulder =The Silent Treatment which is acknowledged as abuse now....
Leave them to it. As an adult you can decide who takes your time.
You seem to be saying that if parents ignore their offspring, that is mental abuse.
However, the offspring are quite entitled to do the same thing to their parents. So why isn't that also abusive?
I'm only curious as I'm the same age as OP's parents and it would certainly feel like abuse to me if my DC cut off contact because they weren't happy with some aspect of my behaviour.
As you say, sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Ignoring close family is either abusive or not abusive. Between adults it makes no difference whether it is parents or children.

My DHs dad is a bit like this. He and DHs mums separated when he was very young and it's like his dad never adjusted to DH being an adult, and he doesn't quite get not seeing him as much as he did when DH was a child. On the one hand i think it's very sweet that he wants to be so involved in his son's life still, but practically speaking it does cause some issues as we have children and a life of our own now so can only accommodate so many visits between other obligations.

I hear you, but 60 is about the average in the UK for healthy life expectancy, although there are significant regional variations. It's also when you qualify for free prescriptions. So I suppose it's not unreasonable in that context.

If it were me I would want to talk to them - ask flat out what is going on, how you feel and what they want or expect. You might not like what you hear but at least you will know what is going on. And they will know what your expectations and boundaries are

You are not responsible for your parents happiness. I would try to ignore the mind games because if you weaken they will get worse. Adults sulking is no way for them to get their own way and I’d very unattractive.

I can kind of see where this poster is coming from.
On MN, the assumption is always that they poster is being entirely reasonable and the older generation are being demanding/selfish/overbearingh (delete as appropriate).
It's as if once you get past a certain age (I am guessing late30s/early 40s) your sole purpose in life is to make life easier for your grown-up children, who are convinced that no one has ever been as busy/stressed/under pressure/hard-up as they are.
They forget you've been through it - and crucially, at some point they will be the unwanted parents interfering in their children's lives (even though every MN poster is convinced they have made such a good job of raising THEIR children, their advice will be welcomed with open arms).
I do hope I am around to see the next 20 years of MN posts.

What?? The average life expectancy is currently 82 years. It is absolutely not normal for a healthy 60-something to die.

This exactly. Don't always be available and run your life your way.

Sulking is so manipulative.

Your relationship with them sounds quite reactive, you’re on edge trying to read their mood and respond to it.

Don’t.

Contact them when you’re ready, behave as though there’s nothing wrong. Because there isn’t.

60 is definitely not life expectancy in UK! Not even in Scotland..

I agree with this. No parent is perfect, just as no human being is. In fairness to your mum, she probably wanted you to have an abortion as she considered it the easier option, if you were young and unsupported.
I think OP is painting a reasonably 'normal' relationship in a negative light.
Embrace your parents and their flaws

Unless there are any serious health issues, your parents are not yet ‘ageing parents’ and it’s unfair of them to rely on you for weekly company when you are at such a busy stage of life unless you actually want to do this. Giving you the cold shoulder for not complying is just classic controlling behaviour