To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

[Worndownb]

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same.

They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant.

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life.

Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.

As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

Yes its hard. We got told a duty to parents). She was shock x life in australia. I said they grown adults. She tries control me til I put boundaries in. Im still nervous around her in my 50s. Sigh. Its tiring.

My relative always expected people to ring her and didn't ring them. Had few friends and ended up being lonely.

OP don’t fall out with your parents they obviously are not toxic if they have actually always been there when the chips are down as you put it. I think people are now better educated around emotional intelligence and boundaries etc but that certainly does not automatically make them better people deep down. Try using some kindly emotional intelligence around them to let them know how tired you are and to find a way forward that works for everyone. Families are not perfect but generally they do have your back and it would be good for DD to see grandparents regularly. Maybe later they will have her overnight etc and free up a date night slot for instance. I hope it works out.