To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

[Worndownb]

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same.

They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant.

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life.

Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.

As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

I wouldn't mind seeing my parents once a week OP if I had any love for them at all but I cant find any.
If your parents had been loving, kind and genuinely supportive and caring not just with money I'm sure you'd be very happy to see a lot of them. Trust your feelings. You know the love just isn't there because they didn't give you any.
You don't have to see them when they demand it but you do need boundaries to protect yourself.
I probably see mine once a year and it's an ordeal.

The current generation is so, so selfish. Every post practically is me, me, me, what I want, what I need, what I feel.
Yet when parents display the same behaviour, that's not on apparently.
How does the universe work when everyone thinks they are at the centre of it?

What kind of person wants their grandchild aborted?!

You can't find an hour or 2 for your parents?

I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but this is my experience: my toxic dad died unexpectedly and the guilt of not making amends or having a good/decent relationship ate me up and I needed 5 years in therapy to be able to live with the guilt. Your parents are ageing, put lots of water in your wine and keep them company for an hour each week. You just have to nod along to what they say, no need for deep conversations.

Maybe the kind of person who thought it was best fir her daughter? Maybe the kind of person who was putting her daughter's welfare in front of her unborn grandchild?
It's so easy to use hindsight to judge and to think that everything your parents did was wrong.
I really do hope today's children of the righteous generation will pull this stunt too.

I’m definitely more emotionally resilient now since having my own children. One of my parents would give the silent treatment, pretend they weren’t home if we had upset them, they would misremember things and usually everything was someone else’s fault.
2 of my siblings went low contact and the eldest of us has been no contact with them for a number of years after having grown sick of the antics.
I used to try and keep the peace and almost tied myself up in knots trying to visit both sets of grandparents, work and bring up my children until I decided that it was ridiculous, now I put in the same level of effort as they do because they could also visit as only a short distance away and they all can drive etc
I ask nothing of either my parents or IL, I pay for childcare and I would have to be pretty desperate to reach out and ask one of them to help so our contact is not an excuse for us needing childcare etc
It would just be nice if they would visit rather than us making all the effort, but once I realised it was pretty much all me sending photos, organising them seeing the children for both sides I stopped, which means visits are probably down to a few times a year for IL and once a month for my side rather than weekly.

I assume the OP's current DC is the one that parents suggested be aborted?

Family relationships are always hard to advise on, because you don't know all the dynamics.

I rarely see my dad, who lives 20 minutes away, because his life revolves around his friends. He doesn't contact me and I don't contact him. No issues, no fall outs, we just don't have much to say to each other. He's more of a lecturer than conversationalist. No real interest in his grandchildren- who are teenagers. My mum's not been around for about 8 years, so I guess I saw them more then, but even then, it tended to be during school holidays rather than weekly.

If the dc don't want to contact me that much when they're older, then that's up to them. They don't owe me anything and I'd rather they wanted to visit, rather than feel obliged. Families don't always have personalities that work well together. I'm quite envious of friends who really enjoy their parents' company and have fun with them and go out with them and want to see them a lot, but that's not the way mine are.

You are being unreasonable and ott about this. They are 60ish that's not old and are obviously capable of leading their own lives. Relationships are a two way road and you need to forget the past and and work on the present positively.

I would not be facilitating any relationship between my child and anyone who had tried to pressure me into aborting her.

You know them best op, but to me this reads “when my parents are at a loose end they say “hi would you be free to pop round or we can come to you and see dgc?” And if we are busy we say “sorry no too busy this week” and then parents leave us alone. They went on holiday and have been busy so we haven’t heard from them recently.”

Maybe they aren’t sulking? Maybe they are just giving you space to live your life and leave you alone for a bit when they know you are busy?

If they're only in their 60s then no I don't think it's anything to do with ageing. My parents and in-laws are mid 70s and have more energy than I do.

I think it's perfectly healthy to not see your parents for a few weeks in your 40s, far more healthy than seeing them on a weekly basis.

YANBU. Relationships with parents can be a bloody minefield.

I've never been close with my mum, she has been pretty horrible to me my whole life tbh, but after my dad died she decided that I would be seeing her on Sunday every week.

I feel sorry that she's alone now, but I see her on my own terms as she's so negative and hard to be around (always has been), and it's exhausting.

I've been on my own for years and she wasn't bothered about seeing me then. You reap what you sow, and you don't owe anything to your parents just because they decided to have a child.

So good somebody wrote this - as of recently MN is a den of nastiness, pettiness and ungratefulness to the elderly parents and PIL. Every week there is a post of elderly children bemoaning their parents either do not provide free servant services, or spend their own (THEIR OWN!!!) money when they should clearly die, preferably soon, and leave the inheritance to them. All this simultaneously with the 'we owe nothing to our parents. We did not ask to be born' platitudes. I am almost used to the Cinderella-like treatment of dsc, as I was raised on European fairy tales with wicked stepmothers playing a part, but every time I read posts about elderly parents or ILs, I begin to think that Ubasute or whatever it is called is not just a Japanese phenomenon.

And? That's irrelevant to the argument. If this is the case, there was no abortion and things have turned out OK. The parents do not have a crystal ball, they were just dealing with the facts they had in front of them at the time.
Your point - such as it is - is emotive and irrelevant

Most parents would understand when their adult children are busy and certainly wouldn’t give them the cold shoulder. I don’t live near my mum and sometimes we will go a few weeks without talking, I always say I’m sorry if I was busy with work/family stuff but my mum always assures me that she understands and we’ll always catch up. If the OP Doesnt like her parents much maybe it’s because they give her the silent treatment when they don’t get their own way. That’s not normal behaviour!

I don't think there is any indication that OP is being nasty, petty or ungrateful.

She's stopped short of saying so, so may be I am reading too much into her posts, but it's clear that she is not close to her parents, who, whilst turning up for the major crises, are not day to day supportive and have a long entrenched pattern of treating her badly.

I don't believe that people should accept behaviour from their parents that they would not accept from anyone else. If a friend said to me that they expected to see me once a week, but the visit was uncomfortable and stressful and they gave me the silent treatment if I said I couldn't make it, then they would soon be an ex-friend.

I think it's quite a toxic societal expectation that parents can behave as badly as they like "but they're your parents" and their adult children just have to put up with it.

My dad was a nightmare for moods too so I get it. The thing is, everyone is different. I wouldn't want to see my parents every week (or my dad ever) so I think the expectation is unfair. Others are closer and so prioritise it.

I have learned that blood means little. If someone makes me miserable more than happy, makes my life harder when they don't have to or bloody sulks when they don't get their way, well they aren't a priority for me. No contact is a hard line, but grey rock can work well. I would just say we have plans this week, how does x date work for you? End of the matter and if they sulk then that is their issue.

I despise the idea that you owe your parents anything for being your parents. They chose to have a child and the bare minimum is looking after you and supporting you. Beyond that they need to understand that your only obligation is to treat them how they treat you.

Yes nice to spend time with them but you cant judge others. Like others here Ive been on the end of moods and silent treatments and its not nice. It wont make me visit more

As a parent I bloody hope my kids can rely on me for a great deal more than being "being there for them when the chips are down" both as children and adults.

I don't expect anything in return- I bought my kids into the world and they deserve my unconditional love I hope they know they can rely on me, without conditions or judgement.

We are mid to late 60s and see DS about twice a year and speak to him on the phone every couple of weeks, which is fine, so no, this ageing parent doesn't agree with you

Parents who do things very much on their own terms with their own conditions attached, that come at the cost of closeness shouldn't be suprised when their adult children realise that they can actually set their own priorities and conditions too, and aren't obliged to prioritise their parents' desires when they're already busy with working life and young families.

OP's parents aren't elderly; they're working age, and it's wrong to go huffy and do silent treatment if OP isn't avaliable on demand. OP could easily have another 20-30 years of parents aging and becoming more needy, both for practicalities and emotionally.

In a fully healthy relationship it would all be a non-issue if family members had been busy and unavaliable for a few weeks.

When grandparents retire, they have more time on their hands, and want to see their grandchildren but forget that you aren't sitting at home waiting to host them, you are working. That means that your weekends are very busy, just as their days are less full.

They think you are being unreasonable not to enable visits, you think they are being demanding because you are trying to cope with work, dh, dd, social life etc.

One approach that might work is to agree you & DD see them for a couple of hours in the afternoon every second Sunday. Fix it as your 'available slot' which they can accept or not. Their choice.

Did you read the OPs post?????