To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

[Worndownb]

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same.

They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant.

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life.

Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.

As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

OP's parents also sound a bit like mine were: sort of ok when you were growing up but never put themselves out for me nor did they ever make me a priority. Then suddenly they expect patterns learned from the cradle to be changed and it's just not possible - behaviours are far too ingrained now. They made the rules of engagement, they get to live by them.

And I am late 60s and i am ageing - I don't consider it an insult that the fact is acknowledged.

Ditto!

I think this is quite common OP. I've heard it many times from friends. Parents expecting the adult child to ring them, visit them, bring GC to them but only on the days and times that suit them. Zero regard for how relentless and busy parenting can be. I think you have to learn to stop feeling guilty and accept it to some extent. They will have to learn that sulking isn't the answer. You need to be clear with them what you can and cannot do. For example they could call to you 2 days before holidays to say goodbye to DD but you were too busy to call to them. Next time tell them thats the only option otherwise they cant see her and thats just the way it is. Fwiw i think almost everyone has a tricky relationship with their parents to some extent and you have to decide to rise above it.

When you say they want to see you every week is that for a couple of hours or all day? If they live locally seeing them for a few hours every week isn't much of a chore and they obviously want to see the GC. Could they come to you for a cup of tea and a chat rather than you go out of your way to go to them? As others have said being in your 60s is not exactly aged!

Why are you so tired? Your life seems pretty normal for most working mums have you had your health checked, iron levels etc.

I wouldn't take your parents' age into account as they're only in their 60's. Many people their age are taking care of their own elderly parents. Start with just regarding them as just adults and use your judgement from there!

Work out how often you do want to see them and stick to it, so if it’s fortnightly tell them that. As you leave after seeing them say to them I’ll see you Sunday after next or in three weeks time or whatever.

If you are happy for them to arrange to see your DC without you then tell them this. I’ll see you in three weeks and if you want to pop in and take ‘Bella’ out for her tea in-between them give me a text.

I agree with this. As I said upthread, it will be interesting to read MN in 20 years time when they children of the current crop of parents who are so convinced they have everything right and today's parenting style is the definitive one start to moan about their upbringing.
It will be even better when they 'gently explain' to their parents everything they have done wrong 😂

Absolutely no stamina these days!

Sulking not nice my mother does it. We do what we can we all work too. My kids much older now. Road runs both ways too lol if they not too elderly to drive

Phones work both ways too, although it seems like a lot of people get to a certain age and theirs don’t seem to be able make calls anymore.

I’m late 60s but we don’t have grandchildren. We don’t have, or want, weekly appointments with DDs. However they know we are there for them and would try and help if needed. I’m bemused at the op smarting that the parents have been on holiday and not in contact. So what? Just invite them over when they get back for a Sunday lunch. We send each other holiday pictures when we are away and of course receive them.

The key is keeping in touch but not having regular “dates”. Make an effort for birthdays etc but I’m failing to see where the parents don’t come up to requirements. Just talk through what’s helpful to you and their GCs and respect their freedoms.

She doesn't mention childcare anywhere.

How far away are you from each other and how often do you want to meet up? Could you just text and arrange something in advance. "Mum/dad, do you fancy coming over/us coming over on Sunday or the Sunday after?" Etc. Then after just arrange the next one for 3 weeks later or whenever it suits you. "Mum/dad, it was lovely catching up. Are you free to catch up again on the 20th or the 27th?" Then you can always decide whether to also see them in between or to say you can't tomorrow but we'll definitely see them next week/week after/ whatever date you arranged. My mum was like this with phone calls and got upset when I didn't have time. We now have arranged a weekly day and time that I will call. We may still talk in between but that that weekly phone call is set in stone and has really helped.

I think it's quite normal for parents to become more reliant on you for help and company as they age - although your parents are not elderly by any means at mid 60s! It's hard when you're juggling work and a young family to give them the time and attention they want. Can you make a sort of loose schedule to see them maybe once a fortnight or so? Talk to them and say that you do really want to see them but that you're juggling a lot and would it be better to have a regular day/time to see them as you feel bad when you say no because you're busy. It would help manage their expectations too.

Can you invite them over for weekday dinner, just what you would be normally eating? It gives you a chance to have a chat whilst you are round the table but doesn't cut into any 'prime' weekend time

Huh? Why not? Aside from geographical restrictions, surely most people with young kids meet up with grandparents quite regularly. I see my parents every week. Course I do. We all work full time, 3 kids in primary. Seeing my parents is an enjoyable thing to do.

I had a realisation one day that I considered a visit with my parents to be "successful" if they hadn't openly criticised, shamed or upset me. Actually enjoying the visit never came into it.

And then I had another realisation that I would not accept they way they treated me from anyone else.

OP - I'd suggest setting strong boundaries. Say you can see them once a fortnight/month/on special occasions or whatever works for you. If their response is to give you the silent treatment (aka guilt tripping you into apologising even though you have done nothing wrong and moving back into "dutiful" daughter mode) then ignore them. You don't have to tolerate bad behaviour.

I don’t think it’s to do either them aging, it’s to do with the fact you have a young child who they want to see regularly and build a relationship with. They aren’t particularly old - they just want a weekly catchup with their daughter and grandchild. All seems entirely normal and conventional to me.

YANBU My mum always used the cold shoulder/not speaking tactic and I feckin hate it even now at 52. Immature mind games. They will be waiting for you to make first contact. Just be the bigger person and keep communications open.

They may want to see their grandchild and build a relationship with them, but that is contingent on them having a good relationship with the OP. The OP isn't obliged to take shit, from her parents and be manipulated by periods of sulking or being given the cold shoulder.

I think if you live with in 20 minutes week seeing them once a week is a minimum. Even if you don’t like them much I think I’d do it with good grace just out of kindness for them as my parents. If I were you I’d probably draw a line under the past and see it differently. Having my grandparents in my life was amazing and I’d keep the peace just so my son could have the same.

It is for healthy life expectancy, which is obviously different for life expectancy.

Ignore the first post, OP. Either written by your parents or someone with their mindset.

They are in their 60s, not their 80s/90s, and most people are still working at that age. They're not incapable. And if they are for some reason, they need to sort help from carers/council/social services.

You are an adult and have a family and a busy life of your own that you're leading. Jumping when they say jump every week isn't a fair or feasible option, even if you wanted it to be. Don't engage at their level, which is emotional abuse (silent treatment when they don't get their way is abuse) and punitive.

Decide what level of contact you want and go from there.

Some people are old at 50, others are still young at 70. It can be a frame of mind thing.

I have an OK relationship with my surviving parent but I had quite a lot of unspoken pressure early on about how much support I would provide (we live in different countries so visits are a bit more complicated). They didn't sulk or go quiet but there were many fairly passive aggressive remarks over the years about how my visits were always so short and I must be so busy.

I put up with it for a long time (and let it make me feel guilty) but more recently I've been addressing it quite assertively in the moment (e.g., 'There's a pattern of you always saying I'm with you for a very short time, like saying I've come over for a couple of days when I've come over for five; I'm not sure if you realise you're doing it but it doesn't sit right with me and I'm letting you know so that you can stop doing it'). This has helped, perhaps because my parent is at heart a people-pleaser.

Not saying it will work with all parents, but it makes me feel better that I'm standing up for myself, and it also makes me more hard-headed about deciding when I do come over. Parent is now more vocally appreciative of my visits and the support I provide, and on the whole I'm OK with that! :)