To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

[Worndownb]

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same.

They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant.

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life.

Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.

As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

So because they weren't free childcare you resent them? If they are in their sixtys or older they grew up at a time where it was normal to travel to see the grandparents on a weekly basis if you didn't live near it may just be a not thinking that they can come to you....or do you have to invite them?

My parents can't understand why I see them minimally. Now they're old they don't cause me the problems they deliberately caused when they were younger. They often went out of their way to make life harder.
Now they can't do that so much, and they think I'm awful for keeping them at arms length.
I actually find it extremely difficult to look at my mother as an old vulnerable woman, because I know what she is capable of, if she had the energy.
You reap what you sow.

Healthy life expectancy and life expectancy are two different things.

But they both vary widely by region: across local areas was in Blackpool (73.1 years for males and 78.9 years for females) ONS

By cold shoulder do you mean that they ignore your calls or your suggestions to get together?

Where does OP say that she wants to use her parents for childcare? She wants them to get on with their lives but they give her the cold shoulder if she doesn't arrange to meet up with them every week.

OP's post seems to have touched a nerve with you.

It's not clear if the op has tried contact or is waiting for her parents to do it first.

I didn't get what op meant either they were there but I couldn't rely on them but when it was important I could

Woah. A change of narrative is way over due in this relationship. At 40 years old you've got no time or interest in cold shoulders and pettiness from parents. You need to stand your ground and lay boundaries in place. Not always easy when parents have controlled the narrative for so long but it has to be done for everyones benefit. You need to make it clear that if they dare to give the cold shoulder or silent treatment you'll view it as a form of abuse and won't be in contacting them. Don't allow any gaslighting or turning it on you. If they are decent people deep down they'll change once they know you're serious.

Crazy amount of projection in this thread.

OP explained in the first post her relationship with her parents--they weren't always supportive, tried to pressure her into an abortion, she's never felt she can rely on them, they give her the cold shoulder, go into moods and behave toxically.

I'm also a busy working parent etc, and I meet up with my parents (older than OPs) weekly, because they are fantastic parents and people, and I enjoy their company. They also have a lot of consideration and empathy for when we are busy with work etc. If my parents were like the parents OP describes? Not a chance in hell! Then it WOULD be too stressful.

They reap what they sow. Don't be manipulative, unsupportive, pressuring, stroppy parents, and your adult child won't be making threads on Mumsnet about how best to deal with you. It's quite simple.

I'm pretty sure OP knows when she is being given the cold shoulder intentionally as a manipulation tactic, and she's not simply mistaken, as so many people have implied.

@jannier that's just one of many reasons.

They brought OP into the world so were obliged to be there for her.

Not quite sure what your point is exactly.

Of course we're not hearing your "aging parents" side of the story. You sound a bit resentful that you didnt get more support from them but they were there for you when the chips were down so what more would you ask of them?
You say you don't hear from them when they're busy. Well yes, just like they don't hear from you when you're busy. Its not a quid pro quo - its a relationship. They obviously want to be involved in the life of their grandchild which seems perfectly normal. I expect you'd be hurt if they didnt. Try having a conversation with them about it if you want to improve the relationship. If you don't, then take the advice so readily given by many posters on here to "let them get on with it", whatever that means.

Ooof! Are you the OP's Mum?

My Mum thinks that just because she is a P/GP we should treat her in the same way that she sees her friends are treated. Thing is, my Mum made some shit decisions when my kids were very young and literally wasn't bothered about building a relationship with them, this is now evident in the almost non existent relationship they have with her.

You get out what you put in. So if your parents are being toxic then they can't possibly expect you to behave in the way they want!

What the fuck did you read? Because I read an account of classically emotionally abusive parents…

In my late teens I didnt see that much of my parents but once I settled down,and particularly once I had the DC I saw them at least once a week
But I had a positive relationship with my DP and loved seeing their relationship with my DC develop
If it doesn’t work for you don’t do it

@Worndownb

Did you have the abortion or did you go ahead & have a child in your 20s? If they are mid 60s and you're early 40s then presumably they had you young too? Maybe they found it stressful having kids in their early 20s and so were trying to put you off.

How do you know she has a sister and a daughter??

Let them sulk and leave them to it.
Weekly is too much for you.
You need to decide what works for you and tell them that.
If it isn't enough and they want to sulk that is their decision.
Life is very busy and all you can do is decide how much you wish to give and stick to it.
You can't control their behaviour to you enforcing your boundaries.

They probably just love and miss you, maybe be kind and imagine how you will feel when/if your daughter shuts you out.
You’re still their child no matter how old you get….Were they really that bad that they deserve you thinking about them in such a terribly negative way???….

Mid to late 60s isn't old unless they have medical needs.

The OP didn't shut her parents out.
It's possible that the OP's parents did miss her but giving her the silent treatment is a form of bullying and is very unfair to the OP.

This is actually not the OP's job to fix. The parents in this case are in the wrong. They need to fix it. The OP can leave them in their huff and when the parents want to get in touch it will then be up to the OP as to whether she wants to let their treatment of her and her daughter go unchecked and brush it under the carpet or to address it with her parents so that they are aware their treatment is unacceptable and needs addressing.

Her parents are the ones who are sulking and not getting in touch for a few weeks. They sound pretty awful to me. Why would she think of them in a positive way, given their childish behaviour?

They want to have a strop, let them. Sulk, let them. Long silence, let them. Just drop the rope and they’ll eventually realise you’re not on the end of it. Enjoy your time with them, ignore everything else.

Maybe it's not "the silent treatment" but them trying to give you the space and distance you want?

I think there’s faults on both sides here. I don’t wee why anyone needs weekly contact. However most people chat when there’s something to say. It seems the OP and parents both sulk and want their own way. They seem to resent each other. As people in our 60s we still get DDs contacting us when they want something! That’s ok and we rub along. We certainly don’t see them weekly nor would expect to. We are busy too.