To think I’m not obliged to do this for my ageing parents? And they’re being unfair

[Worndownb]

My parents are mid to late 60s. We have a decent relationship but have had its ups and downs. My sibling also feels the same.

They’ve not been overly supportive at times in my life and at one point they tried to briefly pressure me to have an abortion when my relationship broke down while I was pregnant.

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down. As a result of this I have been pretty independent throughout my life.

Now, I’m 40, have a young child and busy life with DH and working. I see friends. My parents are always wanting me to meet on a weekly basis and if I don’t I’m often given the cold shoulder for a few days. I find a lot of it is mind games and feels quite toxic. On the flip side they can be lovely and I used to roll over whenever we argued as I hated having bad feeling, now though I am too busy and also tired to deal with the moods they go into.

As they’ve got older it’s got worse and I’ve actually not heard from them properly for a few weeks as they went on holiday and clearly are annoyed I didn’t arrange for them to see dd before they went. Has anyone else found a higher reliance emotionally from parents as they’ve got older? I worry I am dealing with it in the wrong way

My dad spent his EOW contact in our childhood moaning that his mother never bothered with us, didn't care, threw a tenner at us on our birthday but didn't know us or see us, sat there like Lady Muck expecting them as busy working people to parade the grandkids to her etc etc.

And now, he does the same thing that she did. He expects me to make all the contact. He quite literally does not know his grandkids. Or me, in fact, I'm still talked down to like the wayward 14 year old I once was (read; a child desperate to be loved who made poor choices due to not being cared about or listened to).

What a short memory he has... I don't play the game, I have enough going on here without pandering to a self obsessed man who is cowed by his domineering bully of a wife. They bring nothing to our lives except misery and insults. This Christmas was a blessed relief, it has slipped to a mere text message,.I'm happy with that.

You can't make people treat you right. But you can withdraw the amount of time you spend acquiescing to their controlling weird negativity. I choose love! I choose my close family! I had to, for my mental health's sake.

While that is true, it is still not the OP's problem to sort.

I wonder if this would change though if you have grandchildren. I don't have kids (never had the opportunity- want them though) and see my parents every few weeks at my instigation. My brother has kids and my parents put great effort in to see him twice a week or so, because they want to see the grandkids.

I think for most people the grandkids are what makes the difference. The fact you don't have them is probably the difference between you and the OPs parents and what stops the situations being comparable.

It was just in reply to the poster upset about 60 being referred to as aging...

We see in-laws about twice a month. One of us messages and suggests their house or a day out. I see my dad every week as he is alone and I do his shopping, we see him as a family maybe once a month.

Decide what works for you and stick to it, so visit them and if your plan is to see them in two weeks say as you are leaving " we have plans next weekend but il ring you in the week and meet up if you are free the weekend after."

Nasty!

Their expectations are unreasonable. You've got a child and job and household responsibilities and you're trying to keep up social contacts for you and your child. You are in the thick of raising kids and there just isn't time for weekly dinners.

Let them sulk with their silent treatment of you. This is certainly counterproductive on their part, because how likely are you to want to see them weekly when they complain.

It’s not you. It’s them. This book is brilliant

My mil was great when my kids young if you had to change a day no probs. My mother the opposite sulked for days. It can get like that now wouldnt reply to message if it didnt suit her. I do an hour at wends its enough. Sick of bullying and calling the shots at 80! They have nerve say then they didnt see kids

They have always been there for me and my sibling but very much on their own terms. By which I mean I always struggled to feel I could probably rely on them, though the usually were there when the chips were down.

Re-read your own words.

@ForRealCat I doubt we would change much. We are not close enough geographically for weekly contact. I know many people with grandchildren and most are not immersed in their lives to that extent when they are 40 plus miles apart. Where extended families remain local there’s definitely more contact. That even extends to grandparents being child carers so their own dc can work. We would be unable to do that if we all stay where we live. However most grandparents I know retain active lives and and GC are fitted in when needed. I think that’s what we would do. I would be amazed if we holidayed together for example. DD had a boyfriend who only went on holiday with family and she found it very limiting. I think we, as a family, know what we would do! I’d do what my DM did. Available in reasonable amounts with notice!

They were there for you when the chips were down sounds like they were good parents. You've been pretty independent for most of your life sounds perfectly normal to me and the fact you could do this means that they brought you up well. I think it sounds like you're doing exactly the same thing that you don't like from them. You want to see them when it suits you, and you'd rather see friends when you're free. They might be wondering why they haven't heard from you asking about their holiday. You could make a definite day once every few weeks to see your parents to placate them, or tell them how you feel and deal with their hurt feelings.

Usually the first post gets it but in this instance they are way off the mark.

@Worndownb - they are using the silent treatment as a form of punishment. You haven't done anything wrong. I'd stay on the silent side until they reach out.

At some point you could say to them "Oh have you decided to speak with me again? That's funny. I haven't decided whether I want to speak with you again yet. I'm not sure you've learned your lesson from giving me the silent treatment for not 'allowing you to see DD before your holiday' - what a terrible daughter I must appear to be to you."

As you're your own person, well capable of dealing with whatever life throws at you so this is their only tool in their arsenal so to speak to keep you in line and get you to do things like the proper little girl you are to them. They probably still see you as their little girl and not as a 40 yr old woman with her own kid.

I'd decide if and when I'd want to resume contact with them because when they will want something (and they will), you should make sure that it's on your terms and only if it suits you. I understand that you're their daughter but you are your own person too.

Sounds very bitter.

Setting aside brain damaging illness, its my personal and professional experience that people don't change with age except maybe that their essence becomes distilled. The nicer ones get nicer and the more demanding ones get more demanding. I agree with the golden silence technique. Ball is in their court.

YANBU

I have observed that some older people can become very self-absorbed and/ or unable to accept that their adult children have inescapable demands on their time and energy. I don't know how they get like this or how it doesn't occur to them that their adult children have real and pressing responsibilities.

Giving you the silent treatment is not on.

You could try teasing them about it, just to let them know you've noticed.

It seems to be that you get what you give , you’ll be sorry when they’re gone

OP arrange a time every few weeks to meet and keep it set in stone. My parents are really good and very flexible and can identify with the stress we are under with working, managing kids and a home (one with severe SEN). They have been there when the chips are down (unlike partner's parents), but have also understood our situation too and know we will accommodate them if they want to come over.

Sulking is a bit immature really. They are taking you being busy personally and it doesn't seem like they understand your family life very well. I don't think you will be able to reason with them, so I would put it to them about a set time every few weeks, or ask them to accompany you on a task you do with the kids.

This is what's hilarious when someone who's hard work tries to punish another person by giving them the silent treatment: the second person feels it as a relief & hopes it continues!

There is a difference between life expectancy and healthy life expectancy, or the amount of years a person can expect to live in good health. See here: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/bulletins/healthstatelifeexpectanciesuk/between2011to2013and2020to2022

They living well into 90s on my mums road!! It is a good age

It depends on where the grandchildren live.

I moved to another continent and had my children there. Contact with my DPs was limited to phone calls and the occasional visit. My ILs lived 9 hours away by car. We visited ince or twice a year, and they made the trip to us once or twice a year too.

Four of my DCs are at minimum 12 hours away by car. I don't anticipate being hugely involved in their lives. We will do FaceTime or WhatsApp and the odd visit if and when grandchildren are in the picture. Anything more frequent would be completely unrealistic, but we will all survive.

Ok I'm 63 and just checking for my zimmer frame in the office before I write this!!

OP our father in law has just moved 150 miles at 85 to within 12 miles from us now.im thoroughly expecting to see him at least once a week fora few hours for lunch or coffee/cake - he enjoys it, and I enjoy him enjoying it. If you are relatively local ( within 20 miles) it's not a massive deal maybe once every 10 days or so or two weeks. If they live 50 miles plus and you work I can see weekly could be a hassle - are they welcome to pop by you every few weeks? Or is it you always going there as unless they don't drive and aren't on train that's a bit off too.

What a rude response 🙄

And also contradictory as ops parents have been showing little interest if it boils down to tit for tat.

I didn't say it was, I said Healthy life expectancy. For example, in 2018 the female healthy life expectancy at birth was 54.2 years for Nottingham City.