Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

[Loopyloopla]

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

Feel free to add any comments. Would love to know what you think on this... thank you X

You're the default parent and he swans in and out doing whatever he likes.

I assume it's been years of him doing it and you letting him. If you want to change things now, it will be a battle. Can you just bugger off out of the house and do as you please? If not, why not?

He should have been home to help with the kids whilst you got ready likewise you for him also so you'd be on time for getting to your friends house.
I take it you were late due to him having to get cleaned up etc?

Imagine if you did that? He's letting you be the default parent and takes it for granted that you'll do everything. I think you need to have a chat with him about expectations.

I assume you're making the cake and the other couple of cooking. Alright for some. I'd volunteer him for washing up.

I would think this level of selfishness is nothing new so I think you're crazy for putting up with it

I would have just carried on and left without him. He’s acting like he’s the only important person in his life, doesn’t care that you have to do everything and planning getting everyone ready and do the baking thinking he is going to actually be helpful, doesn’t care the kids need help, doesn’t care that your friends have to wait for him at their own lunch. He’s fucking behaving like a rude twat. My parents behave like this and wonder they are always now by default the afterthought - plans are never ever made around them and we don’t care if they come or not but we never wait for them.

If you want it to be different you have to refuse to accept it.

I don’t know but I would never even date a man who likes bike riding - the Lycra wearing type - I bet he does F all to help with the burdens of family life and you get no time to do your hobby. We live in a beautiful area where lots of men cycle in full gear (not city environment) and When I had kids I realised you never see a woman riding her bike alone. Always men. If you ever see a woman on a bike, 8 times out of ten, she has kids in tow. Never in Lycra, just enjoying her favourite hobby and feeling the winds of freedom in her face!! I suspect your post is the tip of the iceberg..

As usual @MrsTerryPratchett nails it. Why does he think he can swan about as he pleases while you put all the leg work in?

I agree with this.

He has shown you that you and the kids dont matter, so show him that you are taking him at his word.

Leave without him. Do nothing for him. Let him see the consequences of his actions.

He will kick off about it and at that point you say "Well you didnt care enough to get back in time and care for your kids, so why the hell do you think we should wait for you?!"

I’m guessing that this isn’t the first time that he’s done something like this? Really disrespectful to you and your lunch hosts. Sounds like the sort of behaviour from another child rather than another adult. I agree with a PP above, you should have left when you planned to, and he could drive himself/get a taxi. You should also be having a conversation about his odd behaviour.

Yep and I’d be telling the hosts the truth about why he isn’t there yet. Men like this don’t give a shit if they defend their wives but they get their backs up if their mates know what a shithouse they are

This doesn't sound like a one-off.

@Loopyloopla So what did you do when he arrived home muddy, 5 mins before you had to leave? Did you go to the lunch and arrive on time, or what?

So I would be packing the car and saying that the car horn will beep in ten minutes sharp, before driving off to friends' home.

On the drive there I would be explaining that being on time with a family is getting home in time to help bathe the kids and pack the car - so at least 45 minutes before blast off.
Explain and apologise yourselves being five minutes late by telling that DH was late home from a bike ride.

Next time communicate more precisely - both him and you.

He should be contactable via phone while out riding, and be able to be traced with the new riding apps that show where he is on a road map - for his own safety, for family convenience and to follow the bike if stolen.
He is a father/husband and an integral part of the family dynamics - part of the well oiled cog and responsible for success of daily living. He should remember that and behave accordingly.

Additionally - the eight year old is old enough to bathe and dress and be completely ready half an hour before it's time to leave. They are also old enough to supervise their sibling getting dressed - so realistically they are on the road to independently being ready without much parental input.
You made a pudding and were capable of getting yourelf ready.
Your husband needed to be home in time to get himself ready, help with fueling and packing and to be there to help with unforeseen dramas.
You need more communication and agreement on a time to be home, and also to be fully informed if anyone is going on a bike ride or out for any reason. Your household needs to know who is there with the kids.

I assume OP just wanted a “men, what are they like, ?” moan.
And that hosts were inconvenienced. Man child indulged and family danced attendance to him. Tell him not us.
or she’s fast asleep

Thank you for your replies. The reason for the post is that I have already told my husband (when he asked me if I had a problem whilst getting out of car on friends driveway) that him arriving back with minutes/no time to spare was annoying and I tried to explain to him that I found it rude and discourteous, but he argues that because it didn't make much difference to the overall outcome ie we were only 10 minutes late (although I don't like being late) I should put it into perspective and not have been upset/annoyed/hurt by it, and not have mentioned it (even though as I already said I only told him because he asked if I had a problem). Although I did also had to finish the cake at the hosts house as I didn't have time to ice/decorate it which was an inconvenience. Later he said he felt disappointed in me and upset by me telling him I was annoyed by him arriving back in little time to spare and if I had gone on a bike ride or similar and got back late he wouldn't have cared or taken offence (which he probably wouldn't). Luckily he's not a Lycra wearing man, he mountain bikes. He's also confused by my explanation and is highlighting he thinks I was annoyed because I had to look after our kids for an hour and he seems to struggle with the notion as mentioned above even though I've tried to explain to him that I was annoyed because I'm the assumed default parent and was left in the lurch so to speak with a few tasks to do and no help, not because I had to look after our kids (although that's obviously part of the bigger picture of things that need to be done before we can go). Also to add I have absolutely no worries looking after our kids, they're great and I'm the primary parent so do the bulk of childcare anyway as he works full time and I'm SAHM. I wouldn't have raised the issue with him (other than probably being slightly miffed!) but as we arrived at our friends house he asked me if anything was wrong so I (calmly!) told him. He then got cross and huffed on their driveway (and sweared in front of our kids) about never being allowed to go on a bike ride. This then upset me so I was tearful at our friends house. They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?' Which he shrugged off, he then made a point not to look at me whilst cheersing all our glasses and that sort of thing which I also found upsetting. I went to the loo to wipe my eyes and tried to catch his attention to say could he come out and speak with me to sort it out and he said no but did come the second time I asked. When I asked him about his behaviour at our friends after the event he said he felt hurt by me telling him I was annoyed at him coming home 10 mins before we had to go which is why he acted as he did .

Even after a lot of 'talking' (not very healthily to each other) he is still unable to see why I was annoyed/upset and he thinks the first 'hurt' was done by me telling him that I was annoyed with him about coming back late. He fails to see I was already hurt by him coming back late.

The argument has continued on, not just because of the original 'mildly annoying' him coming home with minutes to spare but because of the way he treated me after that at our friends house. He has apologised for the sweary bit (not particularly genuinely but hey-ho). Have I done anything wrong in all of this? Should I be apologising to him too? He thinks I should be. Sorry it's so long, just trying to get all the context out and be as impartial as I can be! Thank you. X

Is this usual behaviour from him ie doing his own thing whilst you do everything else?

@crumblingschools not really. He works full time, and I'm a SAHM with a bit of Airbnb thrown in so I naturally do most of the childcare/home stuff but he certainly helps out.

Did he choose to have lunch at the friend's house? It sounds more trouble than it's worth for precious weekend time

I would leave and go without him.

Also, you need to get back to work. You're very vulnerable.

I’m not sure he actually likes you, or respects you. Time to remind him you’re a SAHM, not an appliance. Yes, he works outside the house, but you work your sorry arse inside, 24/7, with no break. It shouldn’t be too much to ask to have some time for yourself before setting off, or a hand with it all. It’s meant to be family time, the weekend.

He also sounds like he’s got you well trained not to voice any displeasure, because if mine walked in caked in mud 10 minutes before we’re due to leave he’d be saying sorry, not be cruel to me in front of friends.

You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you sure as hell can control yours. Set some boundaries, it’s time.

You had every right to be upset with him. He’s been a complete arse about this. Being a sahp doesn’t mean you’re the default parent 24/7. He has to step up at the weekends as they are his responsibility too.
he should have been at home earlier helping you get the kids ready instead of cycling about. Unless he had clearly communicated his plans and asked if you were ok doing it. Why couldn’t he have got his ass out of bed an hour earlier to do his so important hobby.
This would make my blood boil.