Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

[Loopyloopla]

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

Poor communication on both your parts think. He should have told you about the bike ride and you should have told him about the lunch plans and all that you needed to do beforehand.
FFS TALK to one another!!!

In our house we have a saying “you can do anything you please as long as you are taking the kids with you.” Ie if you aren’t taking the kids you have to ask the other party for permission. If you are taking the kids you can just announce it as a plan.

Hang on, he’s hurt because you told him how you feel?? And then he sulks while at your friends house? I think his reaction is worse than him coming back late. None of us are perfect but he sounds far from being a mature adult. He wouldn’t have minded if you’d come back late the way he did? Hmm well I guessing you don’t go out for bike rides where you come back minutes before you have to leave. And if you did I’m pretty sure the kids wouldn’t be ready and there’d be no cake. Yes, he’s entitled to leisure time but you are also entitled to basic courtesy and respect. Some recognition that his actions impacted you in a way that matters to you needs to be acknowledged and the fact that he then behaves like a child needs to be addressed.

I think you both have issues. He shouldn't have gone on a bike ride, when he said he 'might' do this, what was your response? Most people would say that's not a great idea, remember we are going to our friends house at X and I need to finish the cake so you need to sort the kids out.

I do think you made work for yourself that morning though. Why not hair wash and even wash fully the night before? Or rather than bath, a quick shower if really necessary? Also why make the cake and not just buy pudding from the store? If they are good friends would they be worried about homemade or shop bought?

The drama at your friends house is simply embarrassing from both of you. I imagine it made a very awkward visit. It was not the place to air your annoyances with each other. Unless you are afraid to speak out at home and therefore wanted an audience to witness his behaviour.

Better communication from both of you is needed and discussing the balance of jobs at home.

I had one like this. I regret not having nipped it in the bud - it’s incredibly hard to change once it becomes embedded.
Sorry no advice -I am divorced now 😔

My DH can be a bit rubbish with time and might be late back in similar circumstances, but I would have aired my displeasure there and then in a “where the hell have you been? I’m tearing my hair out here trying to do x, y and z” and he’d say sorry and that’d be it. YANBU to be annoyed but I wouldn’t have started the argument at the friends’ house.

He knew you were annoyed so he turned it back on you, made sure you didn't enjoy the lunch. This is childish, nasty behaviour Op, not only does he expect to do as he likes but you're not allowed to complain about it.
If this is a pattern of behaviour it needs addressing Op, look back and see if he does this when he doesn't get all his own way

Is he thick? Completely avoidably, he chooses to go out and come back late, leaving you to get the children ready, and somehow it's your fault that you are annoyed by that? Tell him to get his brain in gear.

I think the key is advance communication - next time you say "x has invited us for lunch, is that ok with you?, I need you to bath the kids as i need to make a fancy dessert" As annoying as it is you can't expect him to know what you need him to do without telling him, and yes being a sahm means you are the default parent. It's bloody annoying but you need to be explicit in what you require help with. My exh apologised for how he treated me

Well after your update he sounds like a childish prick.

Men are the centre of their own universe

Why is he so dramatic and huffing about never being allowed on a bike ride?
He should've gone an hour earlier so he had an hour to spare to shower and be there to do stuff too.
It's really stressful when someone's not back and you think you're going to be late and still have all this stuff to do.
This is what he needs to understand.

Sounds like there is a communication issue going on between you.

If my H went for a bike ride, it would be clear he was going for a bike ride and we'd discuss what time he needed to be back.

I'd not expect him to swan off and come back last minute.

I find it hard to understand why that conversation didn't happen with you and him.

Playing devil's advocate a bit here....

Why did your kids need a bath before going out for lunch? Why not a bath the night before?

Why were you making a cake last minute and how would his being around make any difference to that?

Without knowing more about your marriage it's hard to know if this is a one-off.

If it's not, you need to talk to him more and not back down.

It honestly wouldn't have bothered me much I don't think but there needed to be more clarity "James, you need to be back by 12.30 to help a bit and we need to leave at 1 sharp)." I usually tell my DH he has to be home/be places 30 minutes earlier than necessary and it all works out.

Quick text to your hosts to say you are running 10 minutes late.

I don't understand why yiur dh being a bit late back delayed finishing the cake. It says to me that you must have been running late as well.

Sorry @Loopyloopla but it sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

I think the point @RosesAndHellebores is that he didn't accept he'd done anything wrong when he was challenged.

Which is wrong.

On the other hand, cutting things so fine that you're making a cake you can't finish (when surely you could have made it 3 hours sooner or the previous day) and bathing the kids near lunchtime, doesn't sound like great planning either.

Were they playing out in mud all morning or something? (I assume you're not in the UK by the timing of your posts. OP.)

it sounds like the visit to friends and the cake were not as important to him as they were to you.

I have noticed in general that there are things that women are more harshly judged on than men, or things we feel we have to do, or that we want to do, that they don’t care about. For example, the men I know seem generally less concerned about the house looking tidy if people come over, they’ll invite someone for dinner but not feel any expectation to cook beyond a pizza or something very simple, they’re happier for the kids to be scruffy. Obviously there’s a lot of generalising here, but I just wonder if this is a friendship you’re more invested in, or a type of meet up he wouldn’t have planned. You also listed getting yourself ready as one of your tasks while he was out. Most men I know need about 5 minutes to go from asleep to out the door, they don’t necessarily consider getting ready as something that needs time or effort, it’s not something he would think you need his support for. Sure, they should realise after years of living with a partner that it’s different for women, but I can sort of see how it might feel frustrating.

If you arranged it and you were the one offering to bake and you hadn’t asked him to give you time to do that, I can see a bit where he’s coming from. Were you creating extra work for yourself and then expecting him to mind read and know he needed to help with that? If he was thinking that it just needs us all to get shoes on and in the car then it’s fine to get home minutes before needing to leave again - as long as he’s not generally out all of the time, and you get a chance to go out as well.

If he knew when you needed to be there and you were out until ten mins before, would he have been annoyed?

I had one of these.
He didn’t change, I learnt to stop pulling him up on it because he’d do exactly what yours did and ruin the day.

Eventually I stopped organising things involving him and just do stuff on my own. Far more enjoyable than dragging his sulky arse around.

Have I done anything wrong in all of this?

Yes, but to your friends, not your husband. This:
They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?'
was really unfair on your friends. No one wants to be witness to their friends' marital issues.

I would also recommend googling the ' Let them' idea. There's a podcast on you tube about it too. The post here is the epitome of the let them theory in action. It's not about bring submissive in any way.

Yes yes yes

I would have been like ‘WTF dude’ as soon as he walked in the door. Have you asked him whether he feels you are the default parent? Why did he feel no responsibility for getting the kids ready for your plans? Why does he get time off for his hobbies and you have to parent 7 days a week? You need to carve out some time for yourself.

Next time- just don’t get the kids ready. When he walks in, say “sorry I was getting myself and the food ready, I thought you would realise that and deal with the kids. Oh well we will have to cancel”

I love this!

@JaneLewis I can't see that he had much to apologise for and was probably pissed off because the op wasn't ready any way.

I thought the first set of posts saying she should not even have asked were really weird. Why not? Then I read on and thought no, this is not ok. I don’t think you are helping her mental health by being doormats. She needs to be encouraged into treating the people she lives with decently, for her own self respect, although she doesn’t know it. No way can she have a party in your house when she treats you like hotel staff. Also I doubt these are good healthy friendships if she thinks it’s ok to treat you like that. Tell her she can have a dinner party for 10 which her parents also attend. She will hit the roof and I am immy half serious, but working toward that is working towards being a functional adult with respect for herself, for others, and mature respectful friendships.

When he said "he might be going out for a bike ride later" did you mention your plans and that it would be an issue? It would just seem the natural thing to do. Would you not have spoken about it earlier anyway?
You seem to have put a lot of pressure on yourself for a lunch with friends, bathing kids and making cakes just before you leave. The children are of an age that they can wash and change themselves. The cake could have been made the evening before and finished off that morning. A lunch at a friend's house is normally quite informal surely?
Why did you wait until you got to your friends house to tell him you were annoyed and then make sure your friends knew there was an issue by your public announcement? Surely when he arrived home you would let him know you were not happy and, depending on how angry you were, gone on without him or let your hosts know you were going to be late and waited.
This whole protracted drama is ridiculous.

Wrong thread