Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

[Loopyloopla]

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

OP, I would get a job and set some boundaries. Your husband needs to value you and your time more. I mean, my DH likes to long distance walk. I go walking with him during the week 3-4 miles, but on the weekends he likes a 7-10 mile walk. But we agree on this. He does the grocery shopping on Friday as their stopping time is 3 pm, we have Friday night together, and then on Saturday he has his walk, and I have a lie-in and gentle start. It is a give and take.

Showing up muddy 10 minutes before you have to leave as a family for lunch is inconsiderate.

My OH is chronically late and I like to be on time, so I usually tell him he has to be home 30 mins before he actually does.

If that still doesn't work in your situation I would text friends at the point you know it won't all come together in time and apologise and say you're running a bit late. That way you also have time to finish the cake and herd everyone out with less stress.

I wouldn't get worked up when it's just lunch with friends, if it's a GP appointment or something that's different because he would have missed the whole thing.

He went out for a bike ride it’s not a crime, how long does it take to get a four year old dressed, five minutes max, surely the OP is capable of doing that, no need to make such a drama out of an everyday activity the takes minutes. And most kids are up and dressed within a short time of getting up not at almost lunchtime.

He's a thoughtless dick.

I think you may have overreacted - unless he does it or similar thoughtless and clunky things time and time again and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Write him a calm reasonable letter setting out exactly why you were upset.

The SMERF technique!

Situation - That time / incident ...
Mirror - When you (behaviour) ...
Effect - I felt ...
Result - the result was ...
Future - so in future, I need, please ...

It's a technique I learned when teaching communication and feedback skills.

Next time leave at the right time with the kids and say see you there.

Ever though about doing a confirmation bias course?

Did you not have a conversation about the bike ride before he buggered off?
My DH rides, most weekends. I also have a bit of time to myself most weekends to go to the gym or out for a coffee.
We always briefly check plans, usually the night before.
Your DH should have checked first, then you could have said 'sure, go for a ride but you'll have to get up early if you want to do that, I'll need you back by 10 please to help get the kids ready while I finish the cake...'
Just talk to him. Crying in the loo was an overreaction, sorry. If you're not happy, talk about it, and do something about it, together.

@Loopyloopla the basic response to him would be why ask me a question if you dont want a proper answer

@Loopyloopla the only thing you would need to apologise for, if it happened, is if you were snappy, mean or insulting rather than quietly stating the truth. The truth is:

1. if he had gone out earlier and come back earlier he could have done his share of parenting and you could have finished the cake
2. then you would have been on time
3. it is not him going on a bike ride that is the problem, it is the timing - he absented himself from the responsibility

Honestly, he is manipulative/gaslighting. I’d be done with him. This is in him.

You have not helped by trying to get a response out of him at your friend’s. He was then able to give you a bit of silent treatment knowing how this would make you feel.

How is any of this relevant! a lot of projection...

Ugh any many who is upset because his wife expressed her feelings of upset over something is a big giant man baby. “I’m upset you’re pissed off about about a shitty thing I’ve done. My life would be so much easier if you just shut up about it!” Ugh! There need to be some serious discussions about how he views roles in this partnership, and I would seriously, seriously be looking at gaining more financial independence from this man

Classic MN overreaction...

The husband in my life takes 5m to get ready. It's not like he has to do his hair etc? Why would you (collective) be leaving DC prep 'til just before you had to go?

massive overreaction. Unless there is other bad stuff not here revealed, you sound ridiculously privileged. Sorry to be so frank.

Mine takes half an hour from getting in the bathroom to shower to getting out of the door, which he would have had to have done after a bike ride. I think OP did well to only be 10 mins late.

So what about when both parents work?

men are boys. nothing new about that.

@Loopyloopla i haven’t rtfpbug how anyone can think you are wrong is beyond me .
He couldn’t/should have went a bike ride the next day.
You don’t have time to get properly sorted for the friend visit as he wasn’t here to help .
He also made you all late .
He left you to do it all yourself .

How is any of this on you ????

Yes wasn’t ideal on the friend drive ( he caused this ) but he started this nonsense with being a selfish arse and is gaslighting you.
Spolit and manipulative I’d say!

I think it's quite a minor annoyance that perhaps you created by not making it clear what time you needed him back to help? Or specified what he was needed for? Unless you were actually late, in which case he should have got back earlier.
Perhaps your expectations were different? I would not have bothered doing baths and hair washes before a lunch date, or wearing different clothes, for example. An eight year old can get ready on their own and even a four year old can be independent with guidance. Perhaps he didn't think it was that much of a big deal? The issue is, did you communicate what needed to happen properly?
I have a son is his twenties (no children) who takes minutes to get ready to go places, and would probably think nothing was wrong and not much needed doing.
It's a miscommunication problem, unless he usually doesn't bother to help with anything.

For next time: don't stress too much about the state of the DCs. Clean and in clean clothes is enough.
Buy any contributions for events until DC's are older.
Leave on time, without DH if necessary

Drive your point home by absenting yourself next time.

100% this. ^ Sadly @Loopyloopla it may be too late to make him change. Has he always been a lycra clad cyclist? As a pp said, I would never get into a relationship with one of these men. Ditto a man who is obsessed with golf and football. (Or any sport to be honest.) Thankfully my DH is into the same things as me - film, music, theatre, walks, countryside, travel, nature etc... CBA with any sport. Although we do both like going swimming - and walking.

I know NAMALT and all that, but the fact is that the vast VAST majority of men do fuck all around the house, (and don't do much with the children) and don't do ANY of the grunt work/life admin/housework etc, and they prioritise their hobbies and interests (and job) over and above family life.

Many of them want the little set up; wifey and children/a woman to do everything for him, and all the domestic shit etc etc,. but they don't want to put any work into anything. They think all the contribution they need to make to their 'family life' is working/bringing in money, and they see virtually everything else as womens work.

This has always been the way of course, but it's much worse these days as women are expected to go out to work too, (and often have to do so, so that the family can make ends meet, as a man's wage is no longer enough... So women end up having to go to work, and face all the stresses and strains of that, with all the targets and goals and appraisals and training and everyday bullshit from bosses and colleagues...

THEN they have to do every fucking thing in the house, and with the children/for the children, and all the grunt work, life admin, general day to day drudgery. Whilst the men swan off doing their 'hobbies,' coming in from work late, and end up often being 'tired' and popping off to bed for a 'rest,' before fucking off out to play a golf/football, or for a bike ride, whilst SHE does the cooking/does the housework and washing and ironing/takes care of the children!

Boils my absolute fucking piss. And sadly, because of how boys are raised, this will NEVER change. No surprise really that more and more women are choosing to NOT have children.

.

I think men can sometimes be not very empathetic. Ask him if next time you make an arrangement like this you can disappear without explanation and arrive with 5 minutes to spare, him having got the kids/car/cake ready.

Always men. If you ever see a woman on a bike, 8 times out of ten, she has kids in tow. Never in Lycra, just enjoying her favourite hobby and feeling the winds of freedom in her face!! I suspect your post is the tip of the iceberg..

I think this is nonsense and not really the point anyway.

My H belongs to a cycling club and it's a mixed group of men and women.

I live rurally and often see lots of women cycling without children in tow.

There's a difference between 'serious' cyclists and those who potter along with their kids at the weekend - and I see families with BOTH parents riding with kids.

10m late is on time! no one expects (at least no one i know, in a social not professional context) that you arrive on the dot...

If he had just said something like 'I'm sorry, I was out longer than I expected. I didn't mean to upset you, I just got carried away and didn't realise the time. It won't happen again'. Sorted, the end and everyone would have had a nice day. But he's not mature enough so you have a manchild/a third child 🙄

Yes, that sounds reasonable. If this is something she organised (highly likely) and he is just a participant (the typical dynamic for "mutual friends"), then I don't see what is wrong with leaving her to do the prep. No reason they couldn't have bought a cake, but I assume she wanted to make one.

The bottom line is he's giving up his time by being there - I don't see what is wrong with him taking a bit of time for himself beforehand (yes he should have apologised for being late).