Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

[Loopyloopla]

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

Do you have two cars? If this happened to me, I'd walk out by myself and say to him 'see you and the kids there later!'

You are totally not being unreasonable.

So what? How foes this make his behavior any better?

The thing with this is, he will probably just shower and change and swan along a little late, mumbling some half arsed apology to all and will get away with it again....

Another selfish man-child, to put it very politely.
Life would just be so much simpler and joyful without these.

I think OP is clearly the default parent, and also that a lot of men don't care about things like getting the children bathed and freshly dressed before they go out. I think the cake should have been dealt with before so that it wasn't an issue, maybe telling DH to deal with it the day before.
I don't think OP was unreasonable to be upset, but I suspect that this was the last straw in a series of DH leaving everything to her.
I think OP is underplaying what she does - her first post refers to herself as a SAHM, but then she later refers to a bit of AirBnB, like that is not work or income producing. She says that DH would not object if she took time out for herself, but rarely does.
I think she should start carving out more time for herself, in a conscious way that leaves DH responsible for getting the kids and him ready to go out. I bet he doesn't even think about that might entail. If he hasn't looked after the DC for a few days at a time by himself, he will have no idea on the knock-on effects of not being properly organised, as at the moment OP is picking up the work on this.
OP needs to be more vocal about what she does, and how DH can share the burden.
And, dare I say it, prioritise. I'm wondering why the cake needed to be done at the last minute, and why the children needed to be bathed at that point. I'd have thought an 8 year old could get themselves dressed, and a lot of 4 year olds could too. I think I'd have bought a cake on the way in those circumstances !

I just see a man with different priorities who has been at work all week and wanted to go for a bike ride. I very much doubt he would organise a lunch out and cake baking if left to him. I dont see baking a cake as a less selfish activity than cycling

This isn’t going to work on this sulky bastard. He went straight to DARVO when he asked her if she was upset. He treats her like the nanny and social secretary because that is the way he likes it. He won’t willingly change for her.

The lack of communication is the main issue here. Cycling is fine

This is silly: biking is a solitary activity done for his sole benefit while baking the cake and bringing the children to lunch is a social and group activity that builds community for the whole family. Community and friends that are important long and short term for the whole family.

He's done a right job on you. Swans about doing his own thing and then gets angry when you challenge him. He's training you to never question his behaviour. You ended up in tears and are now wondering if you should apologise to him! He knows he was in the wrong, he only asked you what's up because he wanted you to say everything was fine thus allowing him to pull this crap again. Now is the time to spell out your expectations very clearly.

My kids dad was like this. In his case, it was control. He knew (he had the only car) that I couldn't go anywhere until he came home. I would make sure to tell him that we had to go out at X time and he'd swan home up to an hour after that time saying 'oh, I had to work, we had a rush on...' which I would have believed, if it hadn't happened EVERY TIME it was something I needed to do. If it was something HE needed to do, you bet he'd be back on time.

And it was all control. Usually it was things where I needed to leave the kids with him so I could go out alone (evening class, meeting friends, etc) so I couldn't just leave. He's an XH now because the control became far more extreme as time went on.

When you put it like this - 🤢
Better off without.

More importantly, if lunch wasn’t important, he didn’t have to go!

After all, if he looses on social contact and creating a network around him, building his relationship with his children and partner, that’s his choice.
He just can’t complain about it afterwards.

Sounds like he didn't want to go to lunch so decided to be a cock about it. Neither of you could put shit to one side for the afternoon. You were both rude to your hosts.

He started it though. I'd be apologising to your friends but he would be getting told to fuck off and if anything like that happens again ,you'll know he has no respect for you.

he said he felt disappointed in me and upset by me telling him I was annoyed by him arriving back in little time to spare and if I had gone on a bike ride or similar and got back late he wouldn't have cared

WTF?! He's flipped that round on you quite neatly hasn't he? He's not apologetic for being late, he thinks you shouldn't criticise him and he will do as he wants because if the tables were turned he wouldn't be getting the kids ready or baking cakes. Some of this may be down to poor communication and gender stereotypes but he does sound a bit arrogant. If anything mountain biking is worse than the lycra clad road cyclists because you have to clean up a lot after, yourself and the bike can get covered in mud.

The OP's husband is also capable of doing it.

Do we know he was cycling alone and not in a group? We both cycle and I agree with the person earlier who said it's usually obvious when your husband is going out cycling because of all the faffing. Also when did the bike get cleaned? Most mountainbikers clean their bike before coming in the house and that takes ages, plus you need to dry it a bit. It all sounds odd. Are weekends together usually this dysfunctional?

So it's fine then for mum to do the same to him? You are not in a relationship that works together and shares but I believe most people would find the it's not my friend so f...off attitude odd.

And sod the woman who's been home all week doing all housework and childcare typically for much longer hours and no break who might actually want some adult interaction after a week on their own or the children who might actually want a father not a checked out one.

Why do you think biking is a solitary activity?

I think one advantage of having a husband rather than a wife is that my husband doesn't plan things like this and want me to spend my weekend morning washing children's s hair and helping bake a cake. A better compromise would have been husband goes for his bike ride and his wife then goes off for a nice lunch with her friend whilst he looks after the kids and does stuff with them

Surely though father knows how long it takes to get his kids ready? If he doesn't he needs to be given regular sole charge to do it.

You are a sahp so of course you are default parent. Is he contributing to your pension and savings?

he was absolutely out of order walking in with five minutes to spare, needing to shower. But you were never going to have the children bathed and a cake decorated leaving it to five minutes to go. Why were those jobs left for him to return?

Not everyone wants to live separate lives. Turning up to a lunch and sitting like a lemon with a couple and their kids is a pretty odd thing to want to do....I guess you don't socialise as a couple ever. Or want family outings.

Yes she is a SAHM but the children would be in school or nursery (unless they home educate). The cake could have been done on Friday while the children were out the way.
I know people think being the stay at home parent is hard, which I totally agree it is when the children are young, but when they are at school there is at least 5 hours each day and realistically who spends 25 hours a week cleaning and cooking with no down time at all for themselves?