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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

191 replies

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 01:08

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

OP posts:
KatrinaWalensky · 18/02/2025 05:35

Does he do this a lot? My husband was a bit like this. When I turned 45 I decided if he wanted a separate life, I could actually have a fun separate life too. I did what I did with no digs or expectations of him.
Cooked what I liked, ate when I wanted to, went out when I liked. If I needed some child free time took it with little warning and trusted him with parenting. Didn't rise to any arguments, just behaved like he behaved without being being pointed or agressive about it. I started living my life. If I had no time to do the chores i just didn't do them. (E.g. DH: Why aren't there any clean dishes? Me watching Ozark: I dunno... I guess we've all been busy today and we're all pretty tired.GrinSmile) It was mildly chaotic for a while, but things have balanced out now and we are closer and he is more considerate of me and pulls his weight.

Remember, it's not a war: it's just you, your DH and the kids living fun and happy lives.

HelmholtzWatson · 18/02/2025 05:35

So the upshot of this is you were 10 mins late visiting your friend?

YABU.

Flumpster34 · 18/02/2025 05:59

HelmholtzWatson · 18/02/2025 05:35

So the upshot of this is you were 10 mins late visiting your friend?

YABU.

That's a strange take.

OP had to get herself and the kids ready on time herself and make a cake. If he knew they were going out at a certain time, he should have been ready. He wouldn't be late for work, so why does he think it is OK here? its about respect.

He should have apologised rather than blaming the OP for being annoyed at his lack of consideration.

cookingthebooks · 18/02/2025 06:03

Honestly you get what you stand for. I’m also a SAHM with a 3 & 4 year old. DH has a ‘big job’ and has tried intensely over the years to put me in the ‘you are the 24/7 parent, house keeper, cook and maid’ box, not to be intentionally cruel but just because it would make his like a lot better. I understand human nature is always to lean into the best deal for ourselves. I just don’t allow it.

If DH had done that I’d have been jumping in the car the moment he arrived back, leaving him with both kids to follow on behind me in his car. I’d have probably bathed but not dressed the kids he could do that and I’d buy a cake on my way. Enjoy a nice chat with our friends before he and the kids arrived. Because my DH is starting to learn that I won’t just mop up him not being responsible he’s taking much more responsibility. He is accountable because not being back fires on HIM not just on me!

As a SAHM I already work the same 70 ish hours a week he does so when he’s home we share the load end of!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/02/2025 06:06

It did make a difference to the outcome though - it made the morning a lot more stressful than it needed to be as you were trying to get yourself ready and get two kids ready at the same time as baking a cake. When one parent goes out when there are young kids involved it doubles the workload of the other parent. Just because you coped with it, because you're used to it doesn't make it less annoying.

And you should never be punished for telling him how you feel after he asked you. He was effectively expecting you to lie about how you felt. And sulking, freezing you out, embarrassing you infront of your friends is punishment, he is an adult and could have used his words. Nasty behaviour.

Please don't apologise for honestly answering a question about your feelings. He is trying to steer you into just putting up with his shit.

Philandbill · 18/02/2025 06:12

Blackkittenfluff · 18/02/2025 05:26

I would leave and go without him.

Also, you need to get back to work. You're very vulnerable.

This.
Also, do you "allow" (not the word I want exactly but can't find a better way to phrase it) him to make mistakes or do things his way when he does look after the children? I've seen some women be so nit picky about how their DP's care for the children the man gives up. Not saying that is you but I do have some (limited) sympathy for the men in those cases.

Bellavida99 · 18/02/2025 06:15

I would have probably wash d kids hair day before not on morning im due out for lunch and got a cake to make. I think crying at your friends house is quite over the top. You’re being a bit of a martyr. Just tell him next weekend you’re going for a swim and yoga or something. Everyone needs a bit of down time.

Perplexed20 · 18/02/2025 06:18

I can see people saying you were over the top.

However, going for a bike ride just before going out is the kind of thing an 8 year old boy would do.

RIPVPROG · 18/02/2025 06:21

I get being annoyed he sounds like a moron, but I don't think it warranted getting tearful at your friend's house, I would've just left on time without him. If he was gone for an hour just before you left surely you didn't leave it until then to bake a cake?
Unfortunately I think this happens with a lot of SAHMs, men happy with that balance are also the kind that see the home and children as 'women's work'. I agree with PP drop the rope, give him little notice and go out, like he does to you, assume he will be with the children, if there's no cake there's no cake, stop doing chores to your detriment if the laundry is behind or the washing up isn't done, so be it.

itsjustbiology · 18/02/2025 06:23

Oh OP he needs pulling back into line. How rude when you have a commitment, Embarrassing for you and awkward for your friends all because of his selfishness. Bet your hosts were not in the least bit impressed.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2025 06:25

He sounds disrespectful of your time although it's not great to have a row at your friends house, I'd have saved it for later if I were you

olympicsrock · 18/02/2025 06:30

When was the bike ride agreed? If the day before then hair washes could have been done the night before.
Did you have to make a cake ? I would have bought on in this situation. I don’t think DH was going out for a bike ride was wrong but would have expected him back 15 mins before you needed to leave in order to get showered. Not wrong to prioritise his leisure over the kids hair washes or baking on my opinion .
sounds like you wanted to be superwoman with a perfect happy family and then felt sad that this image was spoilt .

PlummyPlumPlum · 18/02/2025 06:34

Sorry OP how your social outing was ruined by your DH. When he said he can’t go on a bike ride again he is blowing it all out of proportion. It’s possible he was stressed or tired but it is no excuse whatsoever with how he carried on.

FormerlyKnownAsPrints · 18/02/2025 06:44

HelmholtzWatson · 18/02/2025 05:35

So the upshot of this is you were 10 mins late visiting your friend?

YABU.

🙄

CantHoldMeDown · 18/02/2025 06:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PregnancyHormonesss · 18/02/2025 06:53

I voted YABU only because it all sounds like poor communication issue to be honest. Why did you leave a cake till last minute and didnt raise needing a hand at home when he mentioned he might be going on a bike ride?
I understand where you are coming from but to be fair I learnt not to assume anything and have a straight forward communication to avoid a lot of small disagreements.

HelmholtzWatson · 18/02/2025 06:53

Flumpster34 · 18/02/2025 05:59

That's a strange take.

OP had to get herself and the kids ready on time herself and make a cake. If he knew they were going out at a certain time, he should have been ready. He wouldn't be late for work, so why does he think it is OK here? its about respect.

He should have apologised rather than blaming the OP for being annoyed at his lack of consideration.

Show quote history

That's fine, but sometimes people are late and while mildly annoying it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Also, we can assume that these are OP's friends, otherwise she would have definitely said "his friends". So yes, it's on her to get everything ready as he's probably giving his day up so she can spend time with her friends.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/02/2025 07:00

babyproblems · 18/02/2025 01:52

I don’t know but I would never even date a man who likes bike riding - the Lycra wearing type - I bet he does F all to help with the burdens of family life and you get no time to do your hobby. We live in a beautiful area where lots of men cycle in full gear (not city environment) and When I had kids I realised you never see a woman riding her bike alone. Always men. If you ever see a woman on a bike, 8 times out of ten, she has kids in tow. Never in Lycra, just enjoying her favourite hobby and feeling the winds of freedom in her face!! I suspect your post is the tip of the iceberg..

I wrote this on here once.
I also said i was clear on dates i wasnt interested in and wouldnt date golfers, gamers, on football season ticket holders in addition to cyclists. and if they had an notions of taking these up later in life they shpuld be clear if they did I'd very likely leave them.

I was told.i was a controlling shrew buly the same women who parrot the.line "you dont need a reason to break up with him"

Back to the OP. I thonk the only people who are voting YABU are actually voting "yabu for putting up with this".

What he did was an act of self orbiting selfishness (the kind women arent generally permitted to have) and YANBU.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/02/2025 07:03

I’m not sure he actually likes you, or respects you.

I’m 100% positive he doesn’t.

aww we’re his feelings hurt. Poor lamb.

He huffed and swore and caused an argument because he knew full well he’d been a knob getting home late. He has no intention of acknowledging your feelings - you’re not entitled to them op. Put up and shut up is what he’s telling you to do.

He sounds really nasty.

If I were you I’d be getting a job. See how much he enjoys doing 50% at home. And you will have independence when you finally decide you’ve had enough of his shit.

drhf · 18/02/2025 07:24

He’s a bully.

You cried at your friends’ house because he controls you by withholding his affection. You are so dependent on him and so scared of his moods that the stress made you cry.

Unfortunately this will never change by you asking him to or by telling him how you feel. It will only change by you standing up to him. If you do that, at first the bullying and gaslighting will increase. Then either he will learn to treat you better or you will have to make some difficult decisions - but with more confidence and independence than you have at the moment.

Kids in nursery, paid work, own bank account, own car, own friends, time to yourself. Tell him the plan and if he doesn’t show up on time, leave without him. Be brave and ignore his tantrums. It will be incredibly hard but believe me, in the end you’ll feel better.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/02/2025 07:24

I read the OP was upset at her husband huffing and sulking, she wasn't tearful because he went out, just a bit annoyed.

OP at work would he ever fuck off and do his own thing (cpd or something that can be done any time) just before a team deadline or conference, let his colleagues pick up the slack, and then go in a huff and say ' well the team still made the deadline didn't they so the end result was the same' when his colleagues pulled him up on it?

stayathomer · 18/02/2025 07:27

Sahm doesn’t mean you’re responsible for absolutely everything all the time op x (sorry hadn’t rtft)

Nacknick · 18/02/2025 07:32

Just sounds like communication between you both needs to be better. If he was out where did you think he was? A one hour bike ride sounds like it could have been accommodated if you had both discussed it?

StormingNorman · 18/02/2025 07:34

Being a SAHM to two school aged children is quite a drip feed in this context. You could go for a bike ride at any point during the school day and get equal leisure time. He only has a relatively small window of opportunity for down time.

He was a dick not to have gone out 15 minutes earlier and arrived back in time not to make you late.

TeenToTwenties · 18/02/2025 07:39

Nacknick · 18/02/2025 07:32

Just sounds like communication between you both needs to be better. If he was out where did you think he was? A one hour bike ride sounds like it could have been accommodated if you had both discussed it?

I think this too.
We try to discuss things upfront, so not just 'leave at' times but 'be back by 11 to help get the kids ready' kind of thing.