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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

191 replies

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 01:08

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

OP posts:
JaneLewis2 · 18/02/2025 08:32

Newstartplease24 · 18/02/2025 08:30

I thought the first set of posts saying she should not even have asked were really weird. Why not? Then I read on and thought no, this is not ok. I don’t think you are helping her mental health by being doormats. She needs to be encouraged into treating the people she lives with decently, for her own self respect, although she doesn’t know it. No way can she have a party in your house when she treats you like hotel staff. Also I doubt these are good healthy friendships if she thinks it’s ok to treat you like that. Tell her she can have a dinner party for 10 which her parents also attend. She will hit the roof and I am immy half serious, but working toward that is working towards being a functional adult with respect for herself, for others, and mature respectful friendships.

Wrong thread?

Ask for it to be deleted?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 18/02/2025 08:33

IButtleSir · 18/02/2025 08:26

Have I done anything wrong in all of this?

Yes, but to your friends, not your husband. This:
They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?'
was really unfair on your friends. No one wants to be witness to their friends' marital issues.

I do agree with this though. The crying in front of your friends and taking yourself off “to wipe your eyes” smacks of playing for sympathy… it doesn’t sound a healthy dynamic AT ALL.

I do slightly agree with PPs questions about - why bath the kids right before you need to go? Likewise with the cake? Sounds like making your life more difficult for no good reason.

Feelinadequate23 · 18/02/2025 08:33

Sounds like the only way to make him see is to do exactly the same to him next time. Offer that he will make a dessert for someone else's house and then swan off out for the morning - you could go for a swim, to the shops, or just for a nice walk/coffee out with a friend, but give him zero warning. Just shout "off out, not sure what time I'll be back" as you leave. Then come back 5 mins before you need to leave. You could always warn your friends in advance if you're worried about offending them. Then he can see what you've had to put up with!

Stifledlife · 18/02/2025 08:34

I used to get this. It's a rot that sets in, and the more you let it slide the more it slides!
He isn't acting like you're a family unit.. like he has no responsilility for your children and you as a couple.
He's acting like he's 19 and can do as he pleases as long as he doesn't break the "house rules" or "mum" will get angry.

The man is an adult. He has children. He needs to get that mindset and act accordingly.

Followthetrend · 18/02/2025 08:35

"he asked if I had a problem)."

Has he looked in the mirror lately, OP?

@BuddhaAtSea "You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you sure as hell can control yours. Set some boundaries, it’s time."

This ^

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 18/02/2025 08:39

IButtleSir · 18/02/2025 08:26

Have I done anything wrong in all of this?

Yes, but to your friends, not your husband. This:
They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?'
was really unfair on your friends. No one wants to be witness to their friends' marital issues.

Agree. This would have been incredibly awkward for your friends.

Try to communicate better and leave friends out of your marriage issues.

Ponoka7 · 18/02/2025 08:40

I agree that you shouldn't have taken it to your friend's house. You should have said to him that you wanted to speak to him when you got back and left it until later. Better communication would have solved this. As well as another chat about expectations. I don't know why getting children ready to go out is such a big thing on MN, unless SN etc are at play. I wouldn't want my time off work taken up by the need to ice a cake, take it plain and have cream/ice-cream.

diddl · 18/02/2025 08:42

I think he was rude to arrive back so late irrespective of anything else.

If you wanted him to get the kids ready & told him to be back by X time to do it-would he have done?

Did everything really have to be done that morning just before going out?

AngelinaFibres · 18/02/2025 08:44
  1. Supermarkets do puddings. You can just buy one
  2. If you have to make one do it the day before.
  3. Children can be bathed the night before . Your older child can organise themselves.
  4. Put their clothes out the night before and decide in your head what you are wearing and iron it the day before.
5 . Have a shower when you get up.
  1. Hopefully you drive and have your own car. Agree the leaving time with your husband. If he's late go in your car without him. " we'll head off so we're not all late. See you there". He can follow in his when he's ready.
  2. Never ever bring marital mess into someone else's house when they have invited you for a nice lunch .
JaneLewis2 · 18/02/2025 08:45

Stifledlife · 18/02/2025 08:34

I used to get this. It's a rot that sets in, and the more you let it slide the more it slides!
He isn't acting like you're a family unit.. like he has no responsilility for your children and you as a couple.
He's acting like he's 19 and can do as he pleases as long as he doesn't break the "house rules" or "mum" will get angry.

The man is an adult. He has children. He needs to get that mindset and act accordingly.

True, but the OP needs to be more clear about what she's doing and communicate with him.

I don't 'get' the first post where she wasn't sure if he was going for a bike ride or not.

(I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later')

Presumably he just disappeared out of the house?
Unknown to her and the kids.

I think this needs separating into 2 things- the first is lack of communication between them.

The second is the OP seems to be making a cake last minute at the same time as bathing the kids.

AND never ever raise marital strife in front of your hosts- it's a bit passive aggressive and also terribly rude, dragging them into it.

JaneLewis2 · 18/02/2025 08:46

. I wouldn't want my time off work taken up by the need to ice a cake, take it plain and have cream/ice-cream.

she doesn't work- says she's a SAHM.

Bigparrot · 18/02/2025 08:51

I understand this. I don't have a DP that goes out for bike rides but I've had plenty of the 'how dare you have negative emotions about any of my behaviour' conversations.

All the posters saying they would have mentioned something as soon as he walked in the door and their dh would have apologised - that would be the ideal but it wouldn't have happened. I agree with the poster who said he was a bully and wanted to punish you for having an opinion on his behaviour by withholding affection. He was never going to accept how he made you feel walking in the door at that moment.

All the posters saying they need to communicate better and there was plenty of time for a bike ride and to just speak up to tell him what you need so you can plan the morning together. Do you really think this entitled man would have listened?

Now you know what you have OP what are you going to do? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of long 'talks'. Tell him how it made you feel (or not) and leave it. Don't waste time trying to convince or show or explain to him how he could do things differently. And don't start to doubt your own feelings.
Have a nice time and make your own plans. Seems this man has already checked out of family life so don't give yourself an extra job of trying to bring him back in to it.

You sound like you're already pretty incredible - sorting out 2 kids and a cake in the morning!

Huckyfell · 18/02/2025 08:51

At least he's not lycra wearing, that would have been the end, as it is you can probably sort it out. I would go down the old fashioned route and write him a letter explaining your feelings.
In your situation it's pretty selfish to get home 10 minutes before you leave, without any call or nothing. He was pleasing himself, not held up at work or in traffic.

AngelinaFibres · 18/02/2025 08:58

My first husband hated social events, especially those that involved mum friends and their husbands at a lunch/ bbq/ pub with soft play. It was his idea of absolute hell. I really needed to meet other people socially as I was also a SAHM (in the 90s). He would go out on his motorbike/ start doing something that involved rebuilding part of the car ( and getting filthy) because he just absolutely didn't want to go. It caused stress all round. I should have just breezily accepted invitations on my behalf and that of the children and explained that it just wasn't my husband's thing. It seems easier now with the greater understanding of mental health and introvert/ extroverts but , at the time I felt we absolutely had to go as a family. Daft really. The marriage collapsed anyway.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2025 09:00

I've a few questions (apart from the obvious one as to why your husband felt that he needed to go for a bike ride at that particular moment and not help with his kids) but the questions I have are these -

  • why did the kids need to be bathed there and then? Could they not have managed without a bath until you got back from your friends house?
  • If you were tasked with preparing the dessert, why did you leave it to the last minute to ice the cake or finish preparing it?
  • You had to get yourself ready - why was that left to the last minute too? You're allowed to take time to get yourself ready so do that.

Those are my questions @Loopyloopla .

Original poster
Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 09:02

Wow guys, this is utterly enlightening. Thank you for all your posts, both defending me, and him. It's really interesting for me to read when people are more on his side as I really do feel that I'm in the right so it's good to read other points of view to get a bigger picture and see where he's coming from. To clarify, the friends are joint friends. We are in the UK, I just couldn't sleep last night!! I totally agree it was rubbish to upset at our friend's house and quite embarrassing to drag them into it. It was because it unfolded on their driveway so didn't give me much time to pull myself together. I think a good place for us to start would be better communication. Unsure whether to show him these posts!

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/02/2025 09:06

He's your third child

redphonecase · 18/02/2025 09:07

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 04:55

Thank you for your replies. The reason for the post is that I have already told my husband (when he asked me if I had a problem whilst getting out of car on friends driveway) that him arriving back with minutes/no time to spare was annoying and I tried to explain to him that I found it rude and discourteous, but he argues that because it didn't make much difference to the overall outcome ie we were only 10 minutes late (although I don't like being late) I should put it into perspective and not have been upset/annoyed/hurt by it, and not have mentioned it (even though as I already said I only told him because he asked if I had a problem). Although I did also had to finish the cake at the hosts house as I didn't have time to ice/decorate it which was an inconvenience. Later he said he felt disappointed in me and upset by me telling him I was annoyed by him arriving back in little time to spare and if I had gone on a bike ride or similar and got back late he wouldn't have cared or taken offence (which he probably wouldn't). Luckily he's not a Lycra wearing man, he mountain bikes. He's also confused by my explanation and is highlighting he thinks I was annoyed because I had to look after our kids for an hour and he seems to struggle with the notion as mentioned above even though I've tried to explain to him that I was annoyed because I'm the assumed default parent and was left in the lurch so to speak with a few tasks to do and no help, not because I had to look after our kids (although that's obviously part of the bigger picture of things that need to be done before we can go). Also to add I have absolutely no worries looking after our kids, they're great and I'm the primary parent so do the bulk of childcare anyway as he works full time and I'm SAHM. I wouldn't have raised the issue with him (other than probably being slightly miffed!) but as we arrived at our friends house he asked me if anything was wrong so I (calmly!) told him. He then got cross and huffed on their driveway (and sweared in front of our kids) about never being allowed to go on a bike ride. This then upset me so I was tearful at our friends house. They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?' Which he shrugged off, he then made a point not to look at me whilst cheersing all our glasses and that sort of thing which I also found upsetting. I went to the loo to wipe my eyes and tried to catch his attention to say could he come out and speak with me to sort it out and he said no but did come the second time I asked. When I asked him about his behaviour at our friends after the event he said he felt hurt by me telling him I was annoyed at him coming home 10 mins before we had to go which is why he acted as he did .

Even after a lot of 'talking' (not very healthily to each other) he is still unable to see why I was annoyed/upset and he thinks the first 'hurt' was done by me telling him that I was annoyed with him about coming back late. He fails to see I was already hurt by him coming back late.

The argument has continued on, not just because of the original 'mildly annoying' him coming home with minutes to spare but because of the way he treated me after that at our friends house. He has apologised for the sweary bit (not particularly genuinely but hey-ho). Have I done anything wrong in all of this? Should I be apologising to him too? He thinks I should be. Sorry it's so long, just trying to get all the context out and be as impartial as I can be! Thank you. X

Why did you wait for him? Leave and let him explain to your hosts.

nightmarepickle2025 · 18/02/2025 09:07

What he did was slightly annoying but if I was him I'd have found you making a massive scene about it throughout lunch absolutely excruciating.

Annoyeddd · 18/02/2025 09:08

I had a DH like that - would arrive home five mins before/after I had to be somewhere. Usually it would be from work (never left on time unless it was for something he wanted to do) but often from other things. Never realised that I needed time to drive to somewhere (yes he used the car for work), hand over the children (including unwrapping the limpet child from me) etc.
I did it on him once by taking DC1 to an afternoon party when he was planning to go out later - got a little delayed with leaving and then traffic was bad - full blown teenage sulk for days.
My solution was to always tell him I had to be somewhere about an hour before I actually needed to be which worked for a good while until the DC's were old enough to be left and we had a period where I had my own car.
However leopards don't tend to change their spots and he is still the same.

Unorganisedchaos2 · 18/02/2025 09:10

Ive asked things like this before OP and I really sympathise as its its obviously part of a much bigger picture...I have useless DH too

In answer to your question, yes its completely unreasonable and the only way Ive managed to improve it is by divving out the task once he arrives and if we're late (which I absolutely hate) So I would have said, "oh great your home, Im just finishing up dessert, could you get DC dressed please.

But as you know its a small part of a bigger problem

SJM1988 · 18/02/2025 09:13

Ignoring the issue he thinks it was ok for you to get everyone and everything ready, if he knew what time you were leaving and wasn't ready by that time, I would have left him at home.

I hate lateness esp when going to other people houses for meals. It doesn't matter if its 5 mins away or half an hour away, if you agree a time to leave then everyone should be ready at that time to leave.

The fact he thinks its down to you to do everything and he is only responsible for himself is another issue entirely

Caroparo52 · 18/02/2025 09:13

I hope you had left him clean towels and plenty of hot water so his majesty could swan in and use the facilities. I hope you cleaned his bike to an acceptable standard...what a prick....

mamajong · 18/02/2025 09:14

I'm slightly confused that your husband came back from a bike ride you didn't know he was on. Didn't you hear him getting ready or going out of the door? Did he not say goodbye?

I'd be ok with my dh making plans if he knew i was here with the kids or at short notice but that's because he would be the same with me. If it's a one off then let it go but if it's a regular thing then maybe you need to have a conversation and discuss boundaries / balance

Allmarbleslost · 18/02/2025 09:16

He's done it deliberately precisely so he didn't have to get involved in any of the preparation. I assume he knew what time you were due to go out? He should have gone on his bike ride and hour or two earlier. I hate selfish twats like this.