Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

[Loopyloopla]

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

This ^

What a lot of husband bashing on this thread, well I’m on his side on this OP, you’re a stay at home Mum so had more than enough time to bake a cake, you didn’t need to bath your kids before going, that could have been done the night before. You could have easily got them ready in time yourself. To me you’re just nitpicking because he went out.
As for weeping at the table in front of your friends, that’s so out of order and a bit pathetic, he made you late it’s annoying but hardly the end of the world.
I really can’t be doing with whining stay at home Mums when the majority of women manage to smoothly fit in a job and all the other million and one tasks that bringing up a family entails.

From your follow up message, he sounds horrible and childish. As if he doesn’t even like you. His actions and words show such disrespect and disregard. I couldn’t get over that. I suspect it’s not the first time either.

@Hazylazydays just to clarify, I wasn't upset about him being late at the table, as explained that was a minor irritation I wouldn't have mentioned had he not asked. I was upset at the way he spoke to me afterwards and the passive aggression at their house.

He then got cross and huffed on their driveway (and sweared in front of our kids) about never being allowed to go on a bike ride.

He has a family and extra curriculum activities need to be sorted out for both of you at the appropriate times - having a family means he can't go for an extra curriculum activity at the drop of a hat then thats that.

this needs to be talked about and planned at an appropriate time and not at a friends house

Stop doing his mental load, bite your tongue, sit on your hand but stop doing it and let him fail if needed so he stops relying on you to be the default person in the family and relationship

If he's covered in mud it may be mountain biking...no lycra required.

How dare you upset him by having feelings and opinions?! Bottle everything up next time and never point out anything he does that is rude or disrespectful in future. 🙃

How ridiculous! Why couldn't he go out an hour or two earlier and then gt back, get ready and entertain the kids while you did the cake? Or go out for a bike ride after you all get back from your friends house?

His attitude is very selfish. "We're leaving at 10am so I need to be ready at 10am" not "We're leaving at 10am so WE need to be ready at 10am - I'll get child A ready while wife gets child B ready, I'll pack the car while wife sorts the cake..." unfortunately, the work you are doing to get everyone out of the door is invisible to him. But worse than that is that when you told him it was inconsiderate he doubled down and said he hadn't done anything wrong because it hadn't affected the outcome ie. I don't need to alter my behaviour, because that would inconvenience me. I just need to turn up after @Loopyloopla has everything ready because her inconvenience isn't my problem.

Wow so he only has to help if it's something for him....does op then get to pop to the gym and leave him to the prep as she's giving up time for his friends? Weird

Op why did kids need a hair wash on the day? Is it some strange, everyone must wash everything before visiting a house regardless of being clean?

Yet another thread with a selfish douchebag man expecting to be waited on hand and on foot and treating his wife like a housekeeper/maid.

Ugh. No OP YANBU.

I think f you work on your weekend usually want less sociable weekends than if you don't. The kids are school age so the OP gets some free time. The husband just has the weekend. Did he definitely want the lunch out? I would prefer a bike ride. He also needs to spend time with the children but he should be able to go for a bike ride as well. Was it with a group so times not negotiable? In future you need to plan and agree your weekend activities better. Last minute hair washes sounds mad. You need to chill more. The kids should get more fun on a weekend as well, they get involved in plans too and I doubt panic hair washes are their favourite things. The bloke sulkiness sounds awful but he maybe hated having his weekends organised for him

This.

It will continue if you allow it to.

Could you not have held off trying to resolve this? Doing it in front of your friends was probably not ideal. I get you can’t help being upset but putting on a brave face might have been better. Sorry if that’s really horrible of me. I don’t think either of you behaved brilliantly in the situation. Your Dh refusing to look at you is just sulky man child and embarrassing.

Reading your updates....

I have a H who is a cyclist. I always know when he's going out as he takes ages to get changed, unlock the garage, get his bike out, fill his water bottles, fill his backpack etc.

Unless you live in a mansion how did you not know he was going out?

None of us here know the whole story. He may be a selfish entitled arsehole who expects you to do everything, or this may be a one-off.

IME men are often sailing close to the wind when they need to go out somewhere. I've lost count of the times my H would get showered/ changed with 10 minutes to go before leaving for something. He's not selfish and I wasn't doing childcare, but he would never be 'ready and waiting' for me. But we were never actually late!

So- is he one of those men?

On the other hand you do sound a bit disorganised. Making a cake last minute- why? Buy one or make a pudding the day before.

Kids having a bath mid morning? Why? Surely they have a shower at 8am when they get up or in the evening?

You can't blame him for the fact your cake wasn't ready or the kids not showered- you both should have been onto that earlier in the morning.

Well I guess he was reacting your reaction, I agree he shouldn’t have been late but a quick phonecall to your friends to say we’re running ten mins late, he gets ready, you all pile into the car happy, and all this aggravation could have been avoided.

Are these friends you know through you or friends you know through him? The way your husband has behaved is the way my DH does if we've made arrangements with my friends. If it's people we know through him, he's more proactive and I now insist that he makes any arrangements for it ie. sorting anything we need to take.

Can you send me some samples please.

That was really selfish of him. You being a SAHM is irrelevant. I assume his behaviour was because he knew he was in the wrong.

Can’t stand the nonsense from
another poster about her husbands ‘big job’ though, I can’t bear the contempt women like that show for the job that literally feeds and clothes an entire family. It had better be a ‘big job’ your family is depending on it!

An eight-year-old shouldn't have to supervise their sibling getting dressed because their father can't be arsed.

In the greater scheme of things it's just a ride on a bike. If you worked full time while he was a stay at home parent, how would it go down if he got arsey with you for wanting to unwind on your bike and getting back a matter of minutes later than he thought you should? I think we know the answer. Nobody on here would be calling you selfish. Instead he would be slated for begrudging you a bit of down time on your bike when you work full time and they'd all be calling him controlling and telling you to leave him.

He Knew he was wrong (or is a hugely entitled prick) and use attack as a form of defence.
His PA behaviour was just a reflection of his behaviour on the drive where he was swearing.

Attack to defend yourself is great fur him - it detracts from the initial issue and gives a boost to his self esteem.

I have to say, with someone reacting like this, I’ve learnt that it’s not worth it to discuss and explain. They won’t get it.
Much better to not say anything but hand out natural consequences.
Like not waiting for him to be ready and leaving wo him. Not automatically arranging your life around him. And basically dropping him in it.

Tbh I’d also look on your side at how good you are At holding boundaries and whether you tend to be a people pleaser. Not victim blaming at all here. But I suspect it will help you if you can see clearly what is or isn’t acceptable to you and to be able to communicate that easily.

This is great and raised a smile. I reported the post for advertising.

@Loopyloopla

Have I done anything wrong in all of this? Should I be apologising to him too?

No he was in the wrong. But he's deflecting to make out you are the one who's started an argument. He just doesn't want to be challenged.

I would also go back to work in this situation. He seems to just assume you will do the donkey work while he goes off on his bike.

I reckon more men take up cycling once they have children. It’s a good way of getting out of helping with the daily grind. In fact lots of men's hobbies seem to facilitate this so you could substitute cycling for - football, rugby, golf, fishing....