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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

191 replies

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 01:08

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc...

thank you!

OP posts:

2Rebecca · 18/02/2025 14:30

My alternative was the 2 women just going out for lunch without children. You don't have to spend the whole weekend apart but the OP's husband showed by his actions that he didn't really want this lunch requiring lots of prep. I agree he should have said no when it was suggested rather than being awkward on the day but it maybe wasn't sold to him as requiring as much time and effort as he was expected to put in to it.

Hazylazydays · 18/02/2025 15:32

There’s an awful lot of surmising on this thread, we fictitiously know:
The husband didn’t want to go out to lunch.
That he went out bike riding deliberately to avoid helping a child to get dressed
Now we’re wondering is he going bike riding alone .. is there a secret tryst going on!
He’s a lazy so and so who never offers any help with childcare.
He’s horrible and childish and doesn’t even like the OP.
He swans in and out whenever he likes.
He wants be waited on hand and foot and treats OP like a maid.
He’s training the OP to never question his behaviour.
I could write a novel on based on this one thread.
Has anyone said LTB yet !!

pinkroses79 · 18/02/2025 17:39

jannier · 18/02/2025 13:59

Surely though father knows how long it takes to get his kids ready? If he doesn't he needs to be given regular sole charge to do it.

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They're not tiny kids though, it shouldn't have taken long at all. Basically, put coat and shoes on. None of the hair washing etc needed to happen just to go to a friend's house.

HelmholtzWatson · 18/02/2025 18:23

jannier · 18/02/2025 13:43

So it's fine then for mum to do the same to him? You are not in a relationship that works together and shares but I believe most people would find the it's not my friend so f...off attitude odd.

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Yes, it is fine for a mum to be 10 mins late occasionally and not expect her partner to having a meltdown as a consequence.

ginasevern · 18/02/2025 18:30

This is a ridiculous storm in a teacup. If he's usually a good DH and dad (which OP has said a few times that he is) then he's allowed to make an error of judgement. We all are sometimes surely? I mean, he arrived home late and muddy from a bike ride. He didn't blow the mortage money at a casino. I think it was very wrong to get tearful and take the rotten atmosphere to the friend's house, and actually very immature. I think you you both owe them an apology.

sparkles02 · 19/02/2025 12:45

I think I would be more annoyed about his reaction afterwards than what actually happened.

Did you communicate with him what you would like help with before going? Was he aware. Men are generally in my experience oblivious to things unless you give them it in black and white.

For him he thought he was home and just had to shower and leave. If he wasn't told what needed doing. I've found the best way to do this is by telling them I need you home for x time so I can do xyz then if he fails to show I have a problem.

The issue with his attitude afterward though needs addressing. Is he always this flippant about your feelings? If so then you need to have a discussion about it.

Mumlaplomb · 20/02/2025 15:56

Does he do this sort of thing a lot OP? If it were a one off I would be having a firm chat with him about the need to be around in good time to help get the kids ready.
If he does it a lot then it’s a bigger issue about how the kids are a team effort. Also he shouldn’t be speaking to you like that and should apologised for leaving you to sort it all out before you go out as a family.

Bonbon249 · 20/02/2025 17:26

He asked, you answered so he can't get 'hurt' - he probably expected you to say 'I'm fine' - well, you weren't, he should just suck it up.

Grammarnut · 21/02/2025 09:33

sparkles02 · 19/02/2025 12:45

I think I would be more annoyed about his reaction afterwards than what actually happened.

Did you communicate with him what you would like help with before going? Was he aware. Men are generally in my experience oblivious to things unless you give them it in black and white.

The issue with his attitude afterward though needs addressing. Is he always this flippant about your feelings? If so then you need to have a discussion about it.

It all seems a lot of fuss over going to a friend's for lunch, though.

Grammarnut · 21/02/2025 09:39

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 04:55

Thank you for your replies. The reason for the post is that I have already told my husband (when he asked me if I had a problem whilst getting out of car on friends driveway) that him arriving back with minutes/no time to spare was annoying and I tried to explain to him that I found it rude and discourteous, but he argues that because it didn't make much difference to the overall outcome ie we were only 10 minutes late (although I don't like being late) I should put it into perspective and not have been upset/annoyed/hurt by it, and not have mentioned it (even though as I already said I only told him because he asked if I had a problem). Although I did also had to finish the cake at the hosts house as I didn't have time to ice/decorate it which was an inconvenience. Later he said he felt disappointed in me and upset by me telling him I was annoyed by him arriving back in little time to spare and if I had gone on a bike ride or similar and got back late he wouldn't have cared or taken offence (which he probably wouldn't). Luckily he's not a Lycra wearing man, he mountain bikes. He's also confused by my explanation and is highlighting he thinks I was annoyed because I had to look after our kids for an hour and he seems to struggle with the notion as mentioned above even though I've tried to explain to him that I was annoyed because I'm the assumed default parent and was left in the lurch so to speak with a few tasks to do and no help, not because I had to look after our kids (although that's obviously part of the bigger picture of things that need to be done before we can go). Also to add I have absolutely no worries looking after our kids, they're great and I'm the primary parent so do the bulk of childcare anyway as he works full time and I'm SAHM. I wouldn't have raised the issue with him (other than probably being slightly miffed!) but as we arrived at our friends house he asked me if anything was wrong so I (calmly!) told him. He then got cross and huffed on their driveway (and sweared in front of our kids) about never being allowed to go on a bike ride. This then upset me so I was tearful at our friends house. They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?' Which he shrugged off, he then made a point not to look at me whilst cheersing all our glasses and that sort of thing which I also found upsetting. I went to the loo to wipe my eyes and tried to catch his attention to say could he come out and speak with me to sort it out and he said no but did come the second time I asked. When I asked him about his behaviour at our friends after the event he said he felt hurt by me telling him I was annoyed at him coming home 10 mins before we had to go which is why he acted as he did .

Even after a lot of 'talking' (not very healthily to each other) he is still unable to see why I was annoyed/upset and he thinks the first 'hurt' was done by me telling him that I was annoyed with him about coming back late. He fails to see I was already hurt by him coming back late.

The argument has continued on, not just because of the original 'mildly annoying' him coming home with minutes to spare but because of the way he treated me after that at our friends house. He has apologised for the sweary bit (not particularly genuinely but hey-ho). Have I done anything wrong in all of this? Should I be apologising to him too? He thinks I should be. Sorry it's so long, just trying to get all the context out and be as impartial as I can be! Thank you. X

Why was the cake not done night before if you had promised a dessert? Other than that why were you so upset? Yes, people (me) have said you are the default parent, but you say you are. Why do the kids need showering and a hair wash? Done before bed last night? You made lunch at a friend's house a drama and spoiled it for everyone by the sounds of it - hosts will have been very embarrassed you and DH were carrying on a quarrel, and that you kept asking him to go outside and settle it. In their house. It all seems a bit over-egged so not, at the end of the thread, surprised DH got huffy.

sarah419 · 21/02/2025 22:32

sounds like the ultimate dad! so what if you are 10/15 mins late? seems like they had a blast. don’t be the one who turns the mood sour.

pikkumyy77 · 22/02/2025 00:49

I wouldn’t make a cake the night before. It would be stale a day later.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2025 01:17

sarah419 · 21/02/2025 22:32

sounds like the ultimate dad! so what if you are 10/15 mins late? seems like they had a blast. don’t be the one who turns the mood sour.

Are you dead from the neck up?!

He fucks off ON HIS OWN and leaves the OP with their kids to get ready for their lunch, and comes back with minutes to spare, filthy and needing to shower and change. And you think he is the ultimate dad?!

I would suggest that he is the ultimate selfish bellend.

I really hope that you misunderstood the OP and thought that he took the kids with him.

Maddy70 · 22/02/2025 02:01

He was home in time..albeit tight. Definitely being unreasonable

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2025 02:39

Maddy70 · 22/02/2025 02:01

He was home in time..albeit tight. Definitely being unreasonable

Home in time includes in time to undress, wash, redress and get to where one is going. No he didnt get home in time at all.

Maddy70 · 22/02/2025 11:45

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2025 02:39

Home in time includes in time to undress, wash, redress and get to where one is going. No he didnt get home in time at all.

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How long does it take? I'm ready in 10 mins

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