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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

287 replies

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 10:05

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

OP posts:
GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:07

You’ve been unreasonable to say yes when you meant no. You should have just said no to start with.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 17/02/2025 10:07

Your DH is right.

What are you and DH supposed to do for the night? I lived at home at 23 and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking, it was my mums house.

I went to London and stayed in a hotel for my 23rd.

sesquipedalian · 17/02/2025 10:07

I can understand your misgivings, OP. Is there nowhere local you could hire where your daughter could host a party?

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:08

If you stop pussyfooting around her she might develop more resilience. It’s not normal at all to have a birthday party at your parents’ at 23.

festivemouse · 17/02/2025 10:08

I think at 23 I would her to do the hosting (prep moving things, getting bits in and all of the cleanup!) rather than you guys needing to do that.

If you're uncomfortable having that many people in your home, you could ask for a smaller guest list? Do you have a garden than could be used instead if it is a good weather time?

Your DH is being a bit unkind with that though, people of all ages have parties at their parents house - someone who is 23, living at home and working part time is probably unlikely to hire out a village hall or have a house they own to host in!

I do think if you didn't want it though you should have been very clear from the start.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/02/2025 10:10

I don’t think it’s either normal or not normal really, just up to the people involved. I’ve been to parties held at people’s parents’ larger houses when younger; and she lives with you, so it’s not so much a party at her parents’ house as a party at the house she lives in. But you don’t want to do it, so offer to help her find a pub with a function room for hire. Many will do free hire based on a minimum bar spend.

5128gap · 17/02/2025 10:11

Are you concerned her mental health is leading her to misread the room, and that people won't come or enjoy it and this will set her back?

healthybychristmas · 17/02/2025 10:11

No way! She's taking advantage of you. What are you meant to do for the night? Of course things will get broken and spoiled and of course more people will turn up then anticipated. Why would you want that in your house? Why doesn't she just go to the pub with them? Out of all those friends, not one of them will have a parent who would allow that.

mumonthehill · 17/02/2025 10:11

At 23 it is not up to you to make her birthday. It is a bit manipulative of her to make you think it is. If her friends are into having a meal and drinks, hanging our chatting then this is one thing but if it is loads of drinks loud music etc then it is another. I would not be happy with the latter. I would suggest a local pub and as her birthday gift you will put money behind the bar.

BlondiePortz · 17/02/2025 10:12

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:07

You’ve been unreasonable to say yes when you meant no. You should have just said no to start with.

If she was 13 and not 23 i might agree with this but this tiptoeing around her will always give her an out to being an adult, she manages away from home being an adult?

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 10:13

just let her op
go out for the evening!

Fiery30 · 17/02/2025 10:14

Is that a set rule that at 23 you don't have parties at your parents' house, especially if you are living there? It might not be ideal but it's possible that her and her group of friends don't want to spend too much money on going out and would rather have a relaxed party at home. It's only a matter of one night- it's not like your whole life will be turned upside down.

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:16

BlondiePortz · 17/02/2025 10:12

If she was 13 and not 23 i might agree with this but this tiptoeing around her will always give her an out to being an adult, she manages away from home being an adult?

Show quote history

I think you misread. OP should say no now, but she shouldn’t have said yes to begin with as changing the goalposts is a bit unfair. She should have just said no.

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 10:18

limit the numbers perhaps

noctilucentcloud · 17/02/2025 10:24

I don't think you need to host ie do any organising, that's her responsibility (as is clean up). But you said yes and it's her home at the moment. I don't agree with your husband, it'd be weird if she no longer lived at home, but she does and it doesn't matter if she's 23 or not. I think your husband and you should plan a nice evening out yourselves and maybe a night away (using the money you were going to give her). Longer term though I think you and your daughter should work on a plan for her to become more independent. You said she's unhappy being at home, maybe a plan will make her feel more in control of her life and be a positive thing.

NewHeaven · 17/02/2025 10:26

Can you hire a function room at a local pub
as a compromise instead?

wherearemypastnames · 17/02/2025 10:27

It's quite normal for people to have parties where they live

You wouldn't be hosting - she will

You might want to ask if she is happy with you being around ( given it's your home as well as hers)

She might feel you want to give her money to get rid of her

Starlight1984 · 17/02/2025 10:39

Sorry but you can't "set off" depression by saying your adult daughter can't have a party in your house!!!

madaboutpurple · 17/02/2025 10:46

Why doesn't she hold a party at the bar she works in. I have read about parties which get put on social media and far more turn up and houses have been ruined. Holding a party somewhere else avoids that . Tell her you are sorry but you don't want your home wrecked. Does a 23 need a party. I wouldn't have thought so . She could hold it at a bar.

BlondiePortz · 17/02/2025 10:48

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:16

I think you misread. OP should say no now, but she shouldn’t have said yes to begin with as changing the goalposts is a bit unfair. She should have just said no.

Show quote history

My point was at 23 she is grown up enough for goal posts to change it happens in life

jackstini · 17/02/2025 10:56

Well it's too late now - you said yes so it would be a bit shit to go back on it when she did ask you before telling people

She's not a random lodger. It's her home currently. I would want my dd to feel comfortable where she lives. Is she contributing?

I would say she needs to do all the prep, host the night and take responsibility for any breakages. She's not a teenager

You and DH can just go out for 1 night surely?! Be nearby if you are worried but let her have the birthday she would like

Sassybooklover · 17/02/2025 11:29

I understand your daughter has MH issues, but I feel that you are treading on egg shells around her, too frightened to disagree with her in case, the word no upsets her. Your daughter's MH shouldn't be used as an excuse for her to be allowed her own way all the time. She has managed well living away at University. OK, so living back at home after living away is hard, but equally she's a grown adult at 23, not a child. You've bent over backwards to help and support her, as well as making changes at home to accommodate her. I agree with another post, that if you didn't want a large number of people in your home from the start, you should have said no. You didn't, you half agreed, which your daughter has taken as a definite agreement. I wouldn't want 10-15 people in my house either. Ask your daughter to find a local hall to rent for the night or suggest a gathering at a local restaurant/pub. If you do decide to allow this party, make it clear she's organising it, tidying up and will be responsible for those in the house. She's 23, perfectly capable of hosting her own party. Suddenly, I suspect she won't be so keen, if she's got to provide food, tidy up and be responsible.

Teenyweenytinytrees · 17/02/2025 11:48

Your daughter sounds manipulative. She knows if she has a sissy fit you will fold. Your husband is right, adults don't have birthday parties in their parents house. Let her be sad.

AppleKatie · 17/02/2025 11:55

I think it’s ok to tell her you’ve thought about it and you’re just not comfortable.

when was the last time she went to a similar party at a friends who live with their parents? I’d be surprised if it was recently.

I get that she wants a party but as she doesn’t currently have a suitable venue she can’t. If she works in pubs surely she knows one that will have the kind of vibe she wants for her party?

Moonnstars · 17/02/2025 11:58

Why did she move back home?
Many people end up staying in the area they went to university in. You say she is unhappy living back at home, and I don't see this is going to be fixed by having a party and there are bigger issues going on.

I think it was foolish to initially say yes to hosting a party, you should have said no or you didn't think that would be a good idea but would think about it. Not sure why her MH is coming into this either, unless that is the reason you can't tell her no.

I suggest hiring a room in a pub or a hall.