Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

she’s 23, not 12. If she wants to host a large amount of people she should hire a venue or room somewhere. Some don’t even charge as long as you spend a certain amount behind the bar.

If she isn’t happy with not being allowed free rein at home she’s more than capable of doing what a lot of 23 years olds do which is living in their own place.

No it's not that. She is very popular and has a lot of friends. I think if I say no to having in our house that she will have an inferior night and this will make her sad.
Being honest I also don't want to get blamed for her not having the night she wants.

I don't blame you. It sounds as though her issues already dominate your life.

Tell her to hire a venue.

I know someone else suggested this as well up thread, yes this might be a good option!

Me too.

This is what we think, and I can't actually remember the last time she went to a party at someone's parents house.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood. Yes, I understand that. And tbh if she's made her mind up on this, I think you're right, that's exactly what will happen if the alternative doesn't work well. I suppose that's a risk you just need to throw in with the pros and cons and decide whether you can tolerate the party for a less stressful situation, or if you want to stay firm about what you want and tolerate any repercussions. Not much help, really. But for what it's worth I'd allow the party as the least worst option.

I wouldn't if there is a risk of it being trashed and drugs being present

I started off thinking why wouldn’t you allow it? But your updates make it an easy NO. Tough if she’s upset.

I’d explain that it’s a 2 way street. If DD was living in the household like family, things would possibly be different. But living like a lodger means that goodwill and respect are not able to be properly built up.

Breaking things, vomiting from alcohol etc is pretty pathetic behaviour from a 23 year old. There’s no reason that anybody should believe that’s acceptable in anyone else’s home.

Just say no.

Your DH is right, people in their twenties don't have parties in their parents house.

Why can't she go to the local pub with them?
Sometimes you can hinder someone's recovery by pandering to them.

It’s 10-15 people so a gathering rather than a party imo. Knowing my DD’s friends I’d not have an issue with it as a one off. I guess we’re all different as my parents loved hosting parties and did bbqs etc for my friends up to 22 (only stopped because I got married and moved out). But, if you’re not comfortable then you have to have a conversation.

How convenient for her, that you think saying no may trigger her MH to deteriorate.

She has you right where she wants you.
I think that as parents accommodating because of poor MH has gone too far, and some of our children use it as a stick to beat, control and manipulate us with.

I feel this from experience unfortunately.

I think OP you say no and if she doesn't like it she needs to go to counselling to figure out why the word No is so triggering for her.

I would not tolerate my home being thrashed to assuage my adult childs MH.

Give her ex amount as a gift and tell her get on with it.
Sounds like she needs to lodge elsewhere and is completely taking the piss at home.
She needs a few home truths and if basic manners like hello and goodbye are beyond her, then she really needs to move out.

Oh and I don't know of anyone having parties at home when children start drinking alcohol.
Too many real horror stories out there of lovely homes being thrashed.
There seems to be a lot kf disrespect when alcohol and coke are mixed.

Not in my house.

Reading what you've written about her: she's taking the piss, and she asked you and not your dad because she knew you'd say yes. She wants all of the rights, none of the responsibilities. Not paying rent, not being civil and courteous to the people she lives with (my jaw actually dropped at her list of demands - who does she think she is!!), demanding you don't even knock on her door, then kicking you out of your own home that you pay for and she doesn't so she can have a party.....and you say yes because she might feel sad? She's got you right where she wants you. Who wouldn't want all the best bits of living like an independent young adult in London without any of the negatives!

At her age, she should go to the pub with her friends. Period. Is she going to be doing this when she's 24 and 25 and 26?

Sounds like a whole lot of manipulation from her and pandering from you going on.

Not healthy for any of you.

I wouldn’t allow the party in my home given your description of what her friends are like. Not sure I’d be responsible for an Airbnb either if it’s likely to get absolutely trashed.

Hire a function room at a local pub or offer whatever £ you deem reasonable so she can decide/make her own plans.

My kids are 18, 24 & 32 - they've all had parties at home in the past year. I've thrown a couple myself. I don't think it's weird to throw parties in your parents' home if that's where you live.

And before anyone has a go, I don't have neighbours nearby to complain about noise...

I was just about to say she sounds very manipulative, feeding off your fear for her mental health. Don't allow yourself to be used this way OP.

Compramise, as pps suggested village hall, church hall, local football/rugby club, room above a pub, anywhere but your home.

I agree with this, you can't keep giving her what she demands because you don't want to upset her I'm not diminishing her mental health but she literally manipulated you into feeling sorry for her. Your husband is right.

Going to be honest, after reading your replies she sounds like an entitled brat and not having a party at home for her birthday is not going to be the cause of a MH spiral. I'm not suggesting she doesn't have mental health issues but her behaviour and your pussy footing around her like you do is not a way for her to become more resilient.

It is a definite no based on your updates. I don't know how big your house is but it's not just a few people having a few drinks before going out, 15 people is a lot! I wouldn't like the idea of them getting that drunk or possibly taking drugs at my house.
I agree with others about her being manipulative about her MH to get her own way.
She doesn't sound very respectful either, shutting herself away unless she wants something. Even housemates generally have a rough idea of what shifts others work and when they are around.
I would remind her that until she is in her own place she needs to stick to the house rules.

i think you are obviously trying to bend over backwards towards her,
i think you need to have an adult conversation about her attitude in the home
she is treating your home like a hotel, i guess probably to do with her age and perhaps you are fearful of upsetting her.

Just say no. She doesn't have to get everything she wants and it sounds like you do a lot for her anyway.

Why can't she just go down the pub or out for dinner that's what most adults do if they want to meet up with 10+ friends.

Quite a few of pp have said this. Yes we are fearful of making her MH worse so bit by bit we've given in to the point we are at now.

I can be in the kitchen with her l, both making drinks and neither of us speak. I only talk to her if she talks to me first.
She says it makes her anxious thinking we might ask her questions. She doesn't properly answer anyway so there no point.

I have believed that she needs it to be like this because why else would she do it?

It feels unnatural and makes me sad, we communicate less than we ever have.

People keep saying to me "it must be nice having dd home with you" becauAe they know how close we've always been, and I think if only they knew.

I don't think that really works for a group of 10-15. I can't think of much more depressing than a 'party' that size rattling round awkwardly in a hired room. I think when people are saying 23 year olds don't have parties at home, perhaps they're overlooking that this is a pretty small gathering, more the size that comes under 'having some mates round' rather than throwing a party. Certainly my DSs friendship group (12 -16 people) would often get together in parents homes and gardens. Using the P word maybe makes it seem a bigger deal.