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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

287 replies

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 10:05

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 18:56

All those offering suggestions that would rely on the dd agreeing to things such as looking after the house, party ending at a reasonable time and all the friends leaving with no drama, have you seen the daughter is manipulative and controlling to the extent her parents aren't allowed to address her without permission?!

Asswholes · 17/02/2025 19:09

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 18:56

All those offering suggestions that would rely on the dd agreeing to things such as looking after the house, party ending at a reasonable time and all the friends leaving with no drama, have you seen the daughter is manipulative and controlling to the extent her parents aren't allowed to address her without permission?!

Exactly.....people who behave like this

She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

Are not going to say 'Yeh no probs - music going off now at 10pm'....

graceinspace999 · 17/02/2025 19:19

I think she’s abusing you and using mental health to excuse her terrible behaviour.

If she wants to be treated like a lodger she should move out.

I think you and your husband need professional support as you are enabling her to behave badly.

mumonthehill · 17/02/2025 19:41

As you have updated,honestly being kind and nice is the norm and definitely should be expected by you whether she is anxious or not.

Purpleturtle46 · 17/02/2025 19:49

OP, can I ask what you would have done differently (if you know)? My son is 11 and very anxious and I find myself bending over backwards when I can see he is starting to go through another spell of anxiety.

I just want to make him happy but then I think I shouldn't be trying to solve all his problems for him and I am worried I get into a position where he relies on us too much.

Obviously he is still very young and a want to support him as much as possible. I see my BIL who had MH problems, and is now in his 50s, and still relies very heavily on my MIL to support him and had never really learned to live independently. I want to try and support while also supporting his independence, now and in the future.

Aqz · 17/02/2025 20:43

Absolute same here.@kindly
Husband is very detached and far less tolerant.

OP, I would strongly recommend you speak to someone professional.

I did today and I actually feel a lot clearer in my head.

Bendin ourselves out of shape for our adult children is not wise.

They need boundaries as that reflects the real world.

I have tolerated my share, but what you are describing is off the charts.

You have been taken hostage in your own home by your daughters MH.

Why would she change or strive to improve when it is serving her so well to not be.

Time for your husband to step in firmly and tell her what is what.

Mind yourself OP.

Aqz · 17/02/2025 20:48

Purpleturtle46 · 17/02/2025 19:49

OP, can I ask what you would have done differently (if you know)? My son is 11 and very anxious and I find myself bending over backwards when I can see he is starting to go through another spell of anxiety.

I just want to make him happy but then I think I shouldn't be trying to solve all his problems for him and I am worried I get into a position where he relies on us too much.

Obviously he is still very young and a want to support him as much as possible. I see my BIL who had MH problems, and is now in his 50s, and still relies very heavily on my MIL to support him and had never really learned to live independently. I want to try and support while also supporting his independence, now and in the future.

Would strongly recommend you bring your child to see someone who can support him and teach some cbt techniques to help.

He is so young and they can make a real difference.

I did far too much accommodating i realise now looking back.

It will make them over reliant as your BIL is.

cestlavielife · 17/02/2025 20:49

Hire a room in a pub instead

JellyBeanFactory · 17/02/2025 21:06

Use it as an excuse to go away with your DH for the weekend!

One of our DC (23) had party here last year, so we went away for long weekend. Strict instructions left that we wanted no sign of any partying to remain when we got home. Told the neighbours they had carte blanche to yell after midnight if it was too raucous! Apparently 6 stayed overnight, helped clear up the next day and it was spotless when we returned!

This year's plan apparently is to rent an Airbnb... Shame, no excuse to go away!

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 21:36

@JellyBeanFactory the dd and her friends don't sound that they'd be this considerate!

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 21:38

Can you give her a budget for an AirBnB?

jackstini · 17/02/2025 21:44

Well the news about how her friends behave and how she treats you means you need a conversation

You shouldn't have said yes, but explaining you wanted to make her happy whilst also getting her to understand your concerns is something you need to talk about

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/02/2025 22:12

cestlavielife · 17/02/2025 20:49

Hire a room in a pub instead

@Catshelper

yeah, or a bar or something. Could that work OP?

LilacLilias · 17/02/2025 22:24

I think she can't have it both ways.

She has a party in your house and only invites people who she knows will behave themselves and not trash the place.

Or

She organises a party out of the house, e.g. book a room/area at a pub, and then she can invite who she likes.

She wants all the freedom with none of the responsibility.

Asswholes · 17/02/2025 22:28

LilacLilias · 17/02/2025 22:24

I think she can't have it both ways.

She has a party in your house and only invites people who she knows will behave themselves and not trash the place.

Or

She organises a party out of the house, e.g. book a room/area at a pub, and then she can invite who she likes.

She wants all the freedom with none of the responsibility.

Same with her behaviour at home - if she is a 'lodger' - there are house rules and she needs to be civil and polite not hostile and controlling - having you all walking on eggshells.

LilacLilias · 17/02/2025 22:30

Also did you ever consider ND? You mentioned mental ill health in teens (ASD is often misdiagnosed as OCD, anorexia etc) and sounds like she's pretty inflexible and possibly not aware of some more subtle social expectations?

Could be totally off the mark and she is just being really entitled.

I have ASD myself btw.

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 22:32

LilacLilias · 17/02/2025 22:30

Also did you ever consider ND? You mentioned mental ill health in teens (ASD is often misdiagnosed as OCD, anorexia etc) and sounds like she's pretty inflexible and possibly not aware of some more subtle social expectations?

Could be totally off the mark and she is just being really entitled.

I have ASD myself btw.

Edited

Nd or not, her behaviour is rude and entitled!

LilacLilias · 17/02/2025 22:38

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 22:32

Nd or not, her behaviour is rude and entitled!

Show quote history

It is. I was thinking more of the behaviour in the house re anxiety about being spoken to. I guess you'd navigate those things differently if ND was a factor. But either way the behaviour is inappropriate yes, as per my previous post.

healthybychristmas · 18/02/2025 02:18

Your mistake is in thinking that unless she has her own way her mental health will be sabotaged. That's just not true. It doesn't work like that. She is being manipulative and making you think that and actually she is being really really rude in not speaking to you in the kitchen.

You are treading on eggshells around her and this doesn't help her. I was surprised she has a lot of friends. How come you are the only one causing her mental health problems? If one of her friends refused to something, surely she would cope?

ttcat37 · 18/02/2025 02:54

GabbyP · 17/02/2025 10:08

If you stop pussyfooting around her she might develop more resilience. It’s not normal at all to have a birthday party at your parents’ at 23.

That’s… not how depression works…

Fedupmumofadultsons · 18/02/2025 03:38

Personally I would give her the money your were going to for the nightout to buy food .then you and hubby bugger off somewhere nice for an over night stay but warn her she cleans mess and pays any breakages you can't say yes then that's not fair 13 or 23

Rewis · 18/02/2025 04:48

I had my 30th at my parents house. Been to quite a few masters and PhD graduation parties in past few years for friends at their parents house. And none of us live in those houses anymore. So that part to me is totally fine and normal. But then again I doubt any one of our parents have reason to believe we trash the place.

You don't have to say yes. I don't think the house is not big enough is the real reason. But you can decline since it is your house. However, is there a compromise? They sat at yours from 6-8 and then move on to the pub? Or something.

Miyagi99 · 18/02/2025 06:40

Hire a room somewhere and decorate it, maybe pay for catering if you’re so inclined.

Winterscoming77 · 18/02/2025 06:46

I think it sounds nice. 10-15 people is hardly taking over your home. Wouldn’t be a problem for us.

KmcK87 · 18/02/2025 06:50

It’s absolutely fine to change you mind about this and if dd can’t accept that then that’s her problem. She sounds a bit of a horror if I’m being honest, very manipulative. Let’s be honest, the house will be trashed and dd absolutely isn’t going to be the one cleaning up and paying for breakages.
Time to nip the manipulation in the bud.

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