Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

You can't carry on like this. Your daughter lives with you, you are cooking all her meals but you aren't allowed to talk to her? You have to treat her like an anti-social lodger that you don't know very well?

She can obviously be sociable when she works in the local bar and when she socialises with her friends, but she pretty much makes you take a vow of silence in relation to any conversation with her?

This must be quite distressing for you to deal with. I wouldn't allow the party.

So you don't speak unless spoken to at her insistence?

OP, this cannot be good for YOUR MH in YOUR home.

You are not doing her any favours.

She will not be accommodated like this anywhere and she will therefore not move on.

She needs to move out.
She doesn't get to control your home.
Surely you can see that.

I strongly suggest you speak to someone yourself so that it helps you reset your boundaries with her.

Look up how to reset boundaries with family without conflict.

You need as much help as she does.

This dynamic does not help them.
Believe me, I know!

They can go another pub/bar then? Who would be footing the bill for drinks & foods at a party at yours?

Is this really about the party, or the whole situation with your daughter?

There are much deeper issues with your relationship with your daughter

In regards to the party though - she lives in the house too so it's her home. There's no upper age limit on a party at home. At 23 it's much less likely it's going to turn into a raving house party like it might with a 16-18 year old. She takes all responsibility, including paying for breakages. You use the money you were going to spend sending her away for you and your DH to have a lovely night away yourself.

My oldest DD had a birthday party at 22 at our house with uni friends from different parts of the country staying and her old friends from home/school just coming for the evening. By her 23d she had her first grad job and was living in London.

I wouldn’t allow the party. I know you are worried about your DD’s mental health but if you look at the facts she has about 10-15 friends, is supported very well at home by her parents and has been able to cope at uni.

I would just tell DD that I was sorry that I had tentatively said yes but having thought more about it neither you or your DH want this and suggest she goes out to a local bar/club instead.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking this of my parents as they would never have even considered this at 23 years old!!

This is all just another boundary push.

She has you hijacked and is holding you hostage with her 'fragile MH' - she is highly manipulative. She can have MH issues and be manipultive at the same time. What about your MH - you sound strung out. She has got you where she wants you - shes controlling, punishing and abusive. These accomodations are a nonsense - they arnt accomodated at her workplace in hospitality or amongs her friends. She is choosing to subjugate you in your own home.

You are inadvertently faciliating her abusive and controlling behaviour and she will being that to other emotioanlly intimate relationships which will fail.

She needs to learn about mutual respect and reciprocity - she is actively hostile to you and threatening.

Say 'No' - lance the boil- let the meltdown and fall-out run its course it will ultimately be healing and has nothing to do with her organic MH.

So you can't even speak to her because of her anxiety but she wants a wild party? Absolutely not.

And by the way she sounds unbelievably rude.

I wouldn’t call a gathering of 10-15 people in their 20s a ‘party’ really. I’d call it an adult having friends over. It’s not like a teenager putting an open invitation on social media and having 200 random friends-of-friends turning up to gate crash. I can’t really see what the big deal is, to be honest. She does live with you after all. It’s her home.

However, the fact that she’s already made you make lots of adjustments for her does ring alarm bells for me so I’m wondering if there are other issues?

It is awkward given you said yes, but I would be looking for a room in a social club/village hall. That way there will be less to break and things will be kept in control. At 23 some kids do have a bit more growing to do- which is fine, but I would try and control this event as much as is possible.

She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

The numbers 10-15 or 200 dont matter.....its this behaviour above - just a couple of people out of control can cause a lot of damage and be really hard to manage.....I would imagine people in this state would be hard to negotiate with and shift from your home in the early hours.....

We hosted my daughters 18th at home - about 120 guests - they had a great time drinking and dancing but no-one behaved so badly......if if they did they would be escorted out immediately. If this is her 'normal' OP - then she needs to find somewhere else to host.....looks like if you give in there will be a row anyway about people staying over, not leaving, damage, behavior etc -- so might as well have the inevitable conflict/confrontation about the 'No' now.

I am sorry your DD has suffered with her MH (one of mine had his struggles) but this isnt a free pass to poor behaviour everyday and ludicrous irresponsible demands.

She needs to be moving out if living at home is so intolerable for her - find a better environment to 'support' her 'MH'.

This. ^

I'd never have dreamed ask my parents for a house party round theirs at age 23.
The problem you've caused is that you said yes when you really meant no.

Her teen years have long gone, and it's time to grow up.

Even the daughter has said about locking breakables in another room so I don't think it is a case of friends sitting around nicely having a few drinks like others have implied! The update said that there is potential that two friends get paralytic, there might be vaping and potentially drug taking. Not sure who wants this going on in their home!
Also 15 people is a lot in.some houses. If we had that many turn up in our house it would be a case of 5-6 in the living room and the rest loitering in the kitchen and hallway. A venue where they can all socialise together would be much better.

Yes it is distressing and sad. Reading the replies is both comforting having the support but also a shock, I don't know how we've got to this point. I thought we've been doing the right thing to try and make her comfortable and less stressed.

I can't even say it's not as bad as it sounds.

We don't cook for her anymore. Although we do provide all the food/ingredients!

It was about the party, I've wanted to ask advice about everything else but I thought on balance I was managing okay and doing the best for her to help her feel better.
She's pushed me too far now as I feel manipulated by her to get her own way.

It wouldn’t bother me but it's ok to not want to do it. I wouldn't be involved in any aspect though.

It's a bit rubbish you said yes then changed your mind.

Did you miss the part where her friends have form for getting wasted and trashing the place meaning they even have to go to the extent of taking the TV off the wall? They're in their 20s FFS they can't be behaving like that and I most certainly wouldn't entertain that going on in my home.

In fairness I said yes but didn't realise it involved needing to move furniture and breakables including the television until the second conversation about it.

@Catshelper then I'd say you have a reasonable get out clause.

Get it over and done with - tell her asap. Just weather the storm (tantrum) - dont engage with any begging. It will pass soon enough.

And if she is so miserable living at home that its impacting her MH - then she needs to prioritise that and find a more compatible environment elsewhere.

has no such emotional angst and would be very comfortable saying sorry but no. And that would be it. He would not ruminate or second guess his decision.

Agree with this approach. Your DD is eroding your boundaries because they are not firm.....she respects her friends and colleagues. She will push as far as you will let her.

I'd absolutely not put up with being ignored by my own child in my home. She needs to buck up or move out. Stop tiptoeing around her.

totally

I don't ser the problem if she has nice friends. 15 people isn't very many, more like a large dinner party. Can tou suggest a time whe they all have to be out by, say music has to be off by 10 for example and all gone by 12 with maybe 1 or 2 staying over. I think thats a reasonable ask as owner of the house.