Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

The party is just a tiny part of a much, much bigger issue. You need to be firm and stay strong and say no to the party, offer some help with alternatives. She will have a good night whatever she says.

Its understandable why you have got to this point, you’re so worried because of her past struggles that you’ve pandered to her and allowed yourself to be manipulated and bullied in fear or what she might do if you dare say no to something or put reasonable boundaries and expectations in place. Your comment about being in the kitchen and not being able to speak to her unless she talks to you first made me really sad.

I agree with the poster above that called it abuse, it is. I hope you can get some good advice and support on how to turn this around for all of your sakes, this is as bad for your DD as it is for you. She really needs to put some effort into moving out and gaining the independence she apparently so desperately wants. House share with friends, room in a HMO, small flat or bedsit?

I agree with this. The 'oh I won't enjoy my birthday without my friends' thing would have me shutting right down.

She needs to develop coping strategies e.g. for disappointment / not getting what she wants.
CBT could help perhaps.

All the best !

Absolutely this, and
She explains her rules in terms of what someone with autism would need

Just because she has 'her rules' doesn't mean everyone has to follow them!

And its not 'everyone' - just her Mum (maybe Dad) - these rules dont apply to her friends or colleagues. Shes actively choosing to bully, control and punish a specific target with the threat of volatilty and instilling fear in her mother.

This is precisely the approach that worked with my DD (ASD also not diagnosed until adult and yes, I also felt guilty about not spotting it sooner, also was under CAMHS for anxiety as a teen). Telling her no could be tricky but explaining WHY it was no would work because she could understand the 'rules' better that way.

Not saying OP should suck up the party if she’s unhappy with it BUT I’m mid 20s and certainly wouldn’t find it unusual for a friend to have a party at their parents’ house. My best friend hosts a party at her parents’ place probably around twice a year, and my group of friends are heading to visit another friend at his parents’ house in just a few weeks time. Of course that does not mean the parents are ever expected to get involved in providing food/drinks or clearing up - they will sometimes join us for drinks and dancing if they’re around though!

Just totally baffled by some of these responses suggesting that adults don’t ever host parties in their parents’ home - do people not realise more adults than ever before are still living at home with parents? Are people not allowed to have social lives and celebrations if for whatever reason they don’t have their own place? I don’t live at home anymore but tbh I would be upset if my mum didn’t trust me to have a group of friends over for a one off celebration at my age.

@cheesymashfortea are you also rude and controlling to your parents?
Are you and your friends destructive at parties, including drug taking and drinking to the point of vomiting?

YANBU not to want to host it; but YWBU to go back on your word after saying yes. If there's a local venue that would be suitable, you could pay for that, rather than having the party at your home. Otherwise, I don't think you have much choice; the time to say no was when she asked.

I didn’t see OP’s update detailing her DD’s/friends behaviour which makes it much more understandable why she wouldn’t want to host - as I said in my post she shouldn’t give in if she’s not happy with it! Just offering a different perspective that some people have that trusting relationship!

"She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends."

This sounds very manipulative.

Yanbu. She's 23, there are lots of options for how she can celebrate other than a party at your house.

Tell her that you were pushed into agreeing and now you've thought about it, it's not practical.

Offer (assuming you can afford it) to hire a venue near by, if she can find a suitable one.

She's no more likely to have a shit party at a suitable venue vs your house, if people can make it to your house they can make it to a venue!

If she kicks off, point out you make plenty of accomodations for her and you need similar back - like time to think about a request, not being pressured to agree to things etc!

Ah, I've now seen the post about her friends' behaviour and her bringing up the need to move breakables, etc. This makes it more understandable if you change your mind. I think that it would be fair to say that she can only have a party at your home if you can vet the guest list and exclude the likely offenders. Or have the trip to London, but on a different day when everyone can go. Birthdays don't have to be celebrated on the day itself.

It would be a hard No from me to the party. I'd also stop buying her food supplies, if she doesn't want to eat with you or talk to you she can buy her own groceries. I'd also be telling her that the living arrangements are not working for you and that she needs to look for new accommodation.

I would never put up with someone, even my ND child, treating me like this in my own home, it sounds like a living hell for you Op. Time for some plain talking and for your DD to move out. If she can't afford to rent she can find a job with live in accommodation. Basically she needs to fuck off out of your house asap.

Why would you have to move breakables and the rug? 23 is real adult age and I think it would be abnormal for her to be planning on friends getting really drunk at her parents' house.

Oh, just read this.

You'd be absolutely crazy to allow this in your home.

@2025NewUserName

this is why? ⬆️
would you want this happening in your home?

"Mum, please may I have my friends come to your home for a party? We need you to finance it and move all your stuff so we can vomit and take drugs without breaking too much. Oh and you're not allowed to speak to me."

She must know on some level that is completely outrageous. Fine, some 23 year olds might still be doing that, but in their own homes, with their own stuff, that they've paid for themselves.

@CautiousLurker01

because if you read OP’s updates you will see some of her friends will vomit and be destructive, they have form for it and OP doesn’t want that in HER house

Well yes @CautiousLurker01 if you want to support the stroppy teenager attitude from the DD, and be shitty to @Catshelper with your totally made up scenario that you've created there? Does your reasoning also mean my 8yo can tell me and his dad to leave the house and fund a Minecraft party on demand?

I've read all your updates, I'd say that the coercive control/domestic abuse point is in the right spectrum of where this all reads, but giving it that label feels a bit of a... stretch maybe

From your updates it comes across that you've been making choices/accommodations which you thought were in your DD's best interests. And now you're rethinking how best to proceed. You aren't lacking in power or agency here. You are being manipulated (by the constant worry DD's mental health will implode if she doesn't get her way), but you still have the (psychological) ability to control your next move.

So it's time to assert yourself. Your DD's mental health is not your responsibility. She is an adult. She can seek support for her health if she wants to. Not only is her mental health not your responsibility, you are not going to cause her to have poor mental health by saying no to a house party. It doesn't work like that. Equally, speaking to her, knocking on her bedroom door, and expecting her to treat you with respect and politeness is not going to cause a mental health crisis.

You have control over your actions, over what is reasonable and what is a hard no. Nothing you do, as the reasonable and loving mum you sound like, is going to cause her mental health to spiral.

Conversely, expecting reasonable adult behaviour and resilience to life's little knocks can only help her learn to deal with the big wide world and gain actual indepence, not this sudo indepence you're providing in a bubble wrapped toddler proofed world she has now. Day to day minor stress, inconvenience and disappointment is part of normal life and no one should be protected from them. Regardless of their neurodivisity, everyone has to have some degree of resilience to be able to function.

Edited to add, specially about the party situation. You don't need to soften the 'no' by finding an alternative for her. She's an intelligent adult who went to uni. If she wants a party but you say she can't have it at the family home, then she can sort out an alternative. And you certainly don't have to soften it to the consistency of custard by offering an alcohol budget! That's madness! Re-read what you wrote about the alcohol and drug fuelled parties she's told you about. Do you want to enable that? Her mental health will not suffer from you just saying the single word "no". You don't need to soften it.

I am wondering if what DD is doing is learning to very strongly advocate for her own needs and preferences. She might be starting to understand what she struggles with and what she doesn't. BUT she doesn't seem to have understood those are not the same things as "rules", they are probably more accurately "boundaries" - expectations she has about how she wants others to treat her.

The thing about boundaries is that they are your own. If your boundaries are being violated you remove yourself, generally. The other thing about boundaries is that everyone can have them. So in a situation where multiple people live together, there needs to be a negotiation, which also depends on the context in which you are living. It is not workable for one person to enforce their boundaries in such a way that violates the boundaries and comfort of others in t shared space.

She needs to know that she has needs which everyone can bear in mind, but also that other people have needs. It may help to communicate clearly what your needs and boundaries are.

Goodness me let the girl have her small party. You people are miserable! Just make it clear she does all the clearing up and cleaning after. My daughter had a small gathering for New Year and we just hid in the front room. They had a lovely time and then went off to a club. She decorated the kitchen with gold balloons and streamers it looked ace.

Your daughter's party sounds like a bit of a different vibe to the planned drugs and vomiting sesh planned by OP's daughter...