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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

287 replies

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 10:05

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

OP posts:

latetothefisting · 17/02/2025 11:58

your dh is right in that it's not common. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it but only if the hosts are happy, which you aren't. That said I do agree with the first poster who said you shouldn't have agreed in the first place if you were unhappy with the idea. Going back on your word is almost always unreasonable.

She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.
This does sound manipulative. Surely there's a pub or somewhere she can meet her friends? At 23 she is too old for her parents to pay for or facilitate her bday parties, MH issues or not!

Will "all" her friends even attend? I'm not sure I'd want to go round someone's parents house for a bday party aged 23, particulary knowing they were hiding away upstairs or popping in and out asking us to keep the noise down, it would feel very juvenile and like a 13/14 bday party before you had any other options!

Getitwright · 17/02/2025 12:00

Yep, your big mistake was saying yes. It’s your home, even if she is your daughter, and having a load of strangers (to you) inside feels like a violation. She’s an adult, and needs to function like one, so get her to do all the organising, cleaning, setting up, prepping and laying down some rules to her friends, and don’t be soft enough to do something like this again. Hopefully things will go well, no damage, no complaints, nothing going missing. Apologise to your OH, sort out a night out together, keep your fingers crossed, and set a curfew for getting home. And for goodness sake don’t help her with the tidying up! She needs to learn what life is like, and it isn’t getting your own way.

CherryMarigold · 17/02/2025 12:08

I think you're being a bit stingy tbh. My adult DC are welcome to have friends round anytime they like.
This is one night for your daughters birthday, unless she has some kind of history of having wild parties I really don't get the problem

Penguinfeet24 · 17/02/2025 12:11

I wouldn't be holding a party at home either, its just not practical. Can she not hire a hall or something?

OriginalUsername2 · 17/02/2025 12:14

Out of all my school friends only one had parents that would let them do this on birthdays. They would stay at a hotel and send notes to all the neighbours promising that the music would stop at midnight.

Happyinarcon · 17/02/2025 12:18

I feel like the odd one out, i would absolutely let my daughter have a birthday party at my house, it sounds nice. I would help her plan and organize it

nodramaplz · 17/02/2025 12:21

If you changing your mind send her over the edge, she was already very close to the edge.
Tell her, 5 friends or go on out.

Zucker · 17/02/2025 12:22

Do you normally walk on eggshells around her to prevent triggering her? Looks to an outsider like she's manipulating you both.

I wouldn't have a problem letting her have friends around so long as she didn't expect I would tidy and clean afterwards. But throwing tantrums basically because you're not bending to her will....shes 23 ffs far to old for that.

Bournetilly · 17/02/2025 12:46

She lives with you again now so the party is in her home, I don’t think that’s weird.

You shouldn’t of said yes if you weren’t sure but if it’s a definite no I think you should tell her asap.

Could you and DH book a night away with the money you would have given your DD? You wouldn’t need to do any prep anyway and tell your DD she needs to make sure the house is in the same condition you left it in.

Original poster

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 13:10

CherryMarigold · 17/02/2025 12:08

She has a history of wild parties when in uni, and at least two of her friends get paralytic drunk, thus the moving breakables including the television.
There is a realistic risk of damage, smoking/vaping/possible drugs use in the house,.being sick etc

OP posts:

CluelessAboutBiology · 17/02/2025 13:12

Remember the Yellow Pages advert from donkeys years ago?

Icanttakethisanymore · 17/02/2025 13:16

I don't think 15 23yos sounds horrendous unless you have reason to think they are particularly high risk for trashing the place? Equally, surely she can go to the pub with her mates?

Edit to add - just read your recent update. Ok, fair enough - send them to the pub!

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 13:16

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 13:10

Show quote history

well in that case your home doesn't seem a suitable venue, 23 year olds are unlikely to be particularly grown up, unless you stay at home skulking in the kitchen!
there are so many other places she could chose surely,
hire a cottage with some friends?
bottomless brunch?
escape room?
music venue?

kiwiane · 17/02/2025 13:24

I wouldn’t have the party at your house - you can usually arrange to meet in a corner of a bar or club for free.

lap90 · 17/02/2025 13:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable, especially with your daughter's wild party history.

I'm not sure i agree with your husband. I think with people living at home longer it's not that unusual for someone in their 20s to host at their parent's home, especially when parents are away.

I agree with the other poster who suggested a room in a pub.

PinkArt · 17/02/2025 13:33

Having read your update YANBU in this instance. However is your DH's assertion that 'people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses' based on when he was 23 or 23 year olds now?
When I was 23, no they didn't, because we had pretty much all moved out and so had parties in our own homes. Rising property prices have ruled that out for a lot of current day 23 year olds though, so presumably a lot are having them in 'their parents houses', or as they see them, 'their homes'. Add in the number of pubs closing in recent years, plus the cost of eating or drinking out and it's a pretty shit time to be trying to socialise as a young person.

Springsunflower · 17/02/2025 13:35

Who's house is it
It would be a no from me
She can get her own home and do a party there
Perhaps she's forgotten she's not 6 still

stayathomer · 17/02/2025 13:43

You said you’d managed to stave off birthdays from teenaged years til now so maybe just see it as one night that covers the years off? She doesn’t want to hold it anywhere else, and as parents we all have to suck things up, plus it’s just one night! (And I know you’ve had to live with a lot and deal with a lot x)

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/02/2025 13:49

I don’t think it’s strange for a 23 year old to have a party at their parents house if that where they live.
if you don’t want to her then fair enough say no but don’t say no just because it’s not a done thing.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/02/2025 13:51

Penguinfeet24 · 17/02/2025 12:11

I wouldn't be holding a party at home either, its just not practical. Can she not hire a hall or something?

Hire a hall for 12 people?

for that amount of people it’s a party at home or drinks /meals out.

I don’t really understand why a party at home wouldn’t be practical.

Original poster

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 13:55

jackstini · 17/02/2025 10:56

Well it's too late now - you said yes so it would be a bit shit to go back on it when she did ask you before telling people

She's not a random lodger. It's her home currently. I would want my dd to feel comfortable where she lives. Is she contributing?

I would say she needs to do all the prep, host the night and take responsibility for any breakages. She's not a teenager

You and DH can just go out for 1 night surely?! Be nearby if you are worried but let her have the birthday she would like

I nearly agreed with this because I do agree that our house is the children's house as well, regardless of their age.

But then I thought how dd has requested many accomodations to help her feel comfortable and independent, replicating her experience living independently, such as not telling us when she's leaving the house, ie she will just leave, not even saying "I'm off out". Same when she comes back, no acknowledgement.
She hardly speaks to us unless she wants something.
She rarely eats meals we've made or with us, taking most food and drink into her room.

We can't knock on her door to talk to her if it's shut, can't ask her what she's doing etc

She basically wants to live like a lodger. We never know when she has her work shifts and she doesn't want us asking.
She says it helps her with anxiety, she wants to be private and self contained.

Before coming back home we were very close, we talked all the time and I was looking forward to spending a bit of time with her.

OP posts:

TooBored1 · 17/02/2025 13:55

I really can't see why you wouldn't want to? It's not as if she's asking for a party every month.

user2848502016 · 17/02/2025 13:56

Isn't there a village hall or somewhere she could hire? Or a function room in a pub?

After reading your updates I really don't think you should let her have a party at your house!

Original poster

Catshelper · 17/02/2025 13:58

TooBored1 · 17/02/2025 13:55

I really can't see why you wouldn't want to? It's not as if she's asking for a party every month.

The crux of it is we don't want the house being trashed, we don't think the house is big enough.

OP posts:

Motomum23 · 17/02/2025 13:58

If you are going to pay for a trip to London how about shelling out for an airbnb??

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