Not wanting to have a party for adult dc

[Catshelper]

Our house is smallish and homely.
We haven't hosted parties in our house since our children were mid teens.
Instead we've always given them money to go away with a few friends or a big night out in a city.

Dd moved back home after being at university, living in London and working in hospitality to go on holidays and visit friends.

She has a history of mental health issues and was very ill in her teens, she knows we do everything we can to help support her and alleviate her problems.

She's not happy here, we've made a lot of adjustments to try and make her feel comfortable and prevent her MH problems escalating.

She works part time in a local bar, is looking for more work but can't afford to move out yet.

She is turning 23 soon and wants to invite around 10-15 people over for a party.

I did say a tentative yes but also offered her money to go to London for a night out with a couple of friends instead which I thought she'd prefer.
She told me last night not all her friends could do that so she wants the party. She said she would feel sad on her birthday if she wasn't surrounded by all her friends.

So she said she will have the gathering here, move furniture, remove breakables and move the rug in the main room so she can relax without worrying and having anxiety.

I was caught off guard a bit so said I'd think about it but she got mad at me saying I'd already agreed.

My DH says people at 23 don't have parties in their parents houses, but I feel it could set off her depression and I worry about her becoming very ill with it again.

Are we being unreasonable not wanting to host a party for her?

Just say no, it's not gonna work for you. If she starts, point out all the things you've said yes too.

Sometimes you have to be assertive.

She isn't asking her mum to 'make her birthday' and she's not being manipulative. She's wanting to use her home as the birthday venue for 10-15 friends so it's affordable and inclusive. Nothing wrong with that and it's one day out of 365+. More young adults are now returning home after uni. My DD went to a 22nd party this weekend at a friends childhood home. I have 2 at uni and they've had a green light to have parties here for the last 5 years (usually between 20-30 young adults). I ask that they're gone by 2am with a few staying over. Not too sure just how raucous, disorderly and disrespectful you expect 10-15 guests to be!

I do think you need to set out clear rules re this gathering or any future gatherings. Has she had a diagnosis on her mental health ?

This.

This sounds ridiculous. If she was in a house share I honestly doubt they would be tiptoeing around her, and I expect she wouldn't be bringing up her mental health either. I think she is using you and your home, and having mental health issues is a good excuse to not engage whenever she feels like.

My 22 year old daughter is currently living at home and I'd happily let her hold a birthday party here for 10-15 friends. I trust her and her friends not to cause any harm. To be fair, we do have plenty of space. But I think most houses could cope with that number for an evening. Obviously she would be responsible for clearing up!

Much rather do that than a party of 16-17 year olds who are likely to be drinking underrage, not holding it well, and not geneally not as responsible.

OK, well in that case maybe not! And tell her why.

Can't you give her some money to hire part of a small local bar? If you buy some sandwiches they usually let you reserve part of the room.

Not too sure just how raucous, disorderly and disrespectful you expect 10-15 guests to be! @Bogofftosomewherehot

I did an update on page 2, pretty raucous actually.

I trust her and her friends not to cause any harm @irregularegular

I trust my dd and if it was her and a couple of her girlfriends, but some of her friends are horrendous when drunk, completely untrustworthy.
Dd doesn't even trust them which is why she's said to move breakables to a locked room!

it sounds like she has reverted to a much younger daughter.
you need a reset button

I wouldn't be hosting a party for a 23 year old at my home to be honest. I'd go with PP's suggestion and hire a function room at a pub - we are doing this for my mum's birthday and actually many places let you use them for free if you're ordering some food.

Where is she expecting you and your oh go whilst she invites rambunctious people over to get paralytic?

Why on earth can't she ask to book a couple of tables at the bar she actually works in? They'll probably throw in a few free pitchers for her and her mates.

From your updates it sounds as if this is part of a broader issue where she seems to be holding you responsible for her mental health/ blaming you for her negative emotions/ resentful towards you - difficult to tell exactly without knowing more.

Is it time to sit down with her and try and gently address some of this more directly? It's not ok for her to block all discussion by saying she doesn't want you to ask her questions when you are finding this so difficult. You could point out that you want to support her as much as possible but are worried that some of what she is doing and is asking you to do is beginning to damage your relationship with her. Tell her how upset you feel to be so distant from her, and that it leaves you feeling like she sees you just as a landlord, but that you don't know what to do to put it right. It does seem reasonable for her to tell you roughly when to expect her back, unless she's just bobbing out. It can be alarming to hear footsteps and not know who's in the house. Perhaps you feel afraid of insisting on some minimal courtesies like this because of her poor mental health, but in the context of a broader talk about how you can support her and improve your relationship with her, this is not uncaring. You could check if there's anything about your response that you could change to make it easier for her to be more forthcoming with her.

If your main concern re the party is, quite reasonably, that the house might get trashed, then could you explain this and offer a compromise? Perhaps they all meet at yours for drinks and cake/ snacks for an hour or two and by 9.30 (before anyone gets too bladdered) they head off to the pub where you put money behind the bar or even pay for the taxis to get there? (And no they don't come back after!)

Yes, I actually think she is trying to get back that feeling of when she was the happiest at university with crazy house parties, freedom, independence etc

@Catshelper then she can do that a function room in a pub or local club! I wouldn't want a bunch of 20 odd year olds doing drugs & getting pissed in my home. She sounds really disrespectful and using her MH as a excuse to twist you both round her little finger, why are you allowing it?

She could move in with her friends if this is the freedom she wants, you can't recreate that, she has to grow up at some point hasn't she?

But surely everyone is different.

my parents have hosted parties for me well into adulthood. They are amazing hosts and know how to throw brilliant parties.

Dd isn’t unreasonable for asking and you did initially say yes. I don’t really know why you wouldn’t do it.

And as for what you do all night. My parents would make sure everyone’s glass stayed topped up, make sure everyone had nibbles or whatever, and then quietly get pissed with all my friends (cue lots of ‘your parents are the BEST’ type comments)

She doesn't want to socialise where she works.
Also I suspect it's not the right vibe, has a much older clientele!

Look, I really sympathise. I have a dd similar to this. I would want to say no, for all the reasons you (and your DH) suggest, but part of me would say yes because I know it would put her in a good head space.

However, DH has no such emotional angst and would be very comfortable saying sorry but no. And that would be it. He would not ruminate or second guess his decision.

So on matters like this, I let him break the bad news. What I've found is, she does move on pretty quickly. Especially when she analyses it and realises it's quite a responsibility to host and what if her friends don't have fun? Better to have it in a neutral venue like a pub with a paid bar (thank you parents) where the pressure on her to provide the ambience is off.

I’d allow my similarly aged DD to have a similar party, but then I trust her and her friends to be safe and respectful. If there’s such a history of damage that valuables and breakables have to be moved into a locked room then you cannot trust them. And there’s no chance of any of them paying for damage.

If she wants independence and crazy house parties she needs to move into a flat share with people of a similar disposition.

This is absolutely ridiculous. If she lives in your house then she abides by your rules or moves out. That includes having the courtesy to tell you when she’s going out and coming back. What meals she is eating. Eating with you when she’s home for meals and not refusing to talk to you in the kitchen because ‘anxiety’

Fuck me stop pussyfooting around her. She’s got you wrapped round her little finger and she needs to grow the fuck up if she intends to survive in the adult world

Depends what kind of party though surely? It sounds like OP's DD is wanting to have the kind of raucous houseparty you might have in your teens/in a uni house, rather than one which an adult might hold in their home.

I allowed my DCs to host loads of parties at our home - mostly in the summer in the garden starting early with a strict 11:30pm cut off for the neighbours and so that we can come home and get to bed - never had any issues.

However with this history and potential behaviour it would be a firm 'No'.

I also suspect this lifestyle would not have helped her mental health.

I think you should just say that you've had a think about it and it's not really a good idea. Never mind her anxiety, yours will be going through the roof worrying about it! Hiring a hall or taking over an area is a much better idea.