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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset son got married without me there?

1000 replies

Knju · 16/02/2025 21:24

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

OP posts:
scanni · 16/02/2025 21:25

They chose their wedding, their way. Good on them I say.

Catapultaway · 16/02/2025 21:26

Hope they had a nice day. Sounds sensible to me.

PinkPonyClub25 · 16/02/2025 21:27

You need to get over it, it's what they wanted. What you want doesn't matter.

nahthatsnotforme · 16/02/2025 21:27

Sorry OP, but it's not about you.

Busbygirl · 16/02/2025 21:27

I’m sorry OP that must be hard.

NormasArse · 16/02/2025 21:27

I can understand why you feel hurt, but kindly, I don’t think it was fair to berate him about it.

You could’ve asked whether you could all have a belated celebration and taken the happy couple out for a meal perhaps? You could still do that in fact …

💐 for you. X

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 16/02/2025 21:28

We did this.
No regrets. You need to get over it. It's not about you.

SophiaSW1 · 16/02/2025 21:28

I think your reaction is over the top. Their wedding isn't about you it's about them

DGPP · 16/02/2025 21:28

I did this to my family because I really didn’t want people there, just us with no fuss and no fanfare. No big wedding. It was absolutely perfect.
And I adore my family.
try not to take this personally, it’s not about you. They have had the wedding THEY want. Ring back, say you’re sorry you got so emotional and when they’re ready you’d like to take them both for a lovely lunch to celebrate

Mum2jenny · 16/02/2025 21:28

I offered one of my dc money to elope. Weddings can be really boring imo.

AliTheMinx · 16/02/2025 21:29

I'd be absolutely devastated too, OP. I'm so sorry x

FromHere · 16/02/2025 21:30

We did this 28 years ago and still haven't told anyone to prevent the exact reaction that you had. Apologise and take them out for a nice meal.

chelseahealyslips · 16/02/2025 21:30

I think you should just try to be happy for them. What's the alternative? Sulking and being sad that you weren't included, for how long? And to what end? What do you want him to do, apologise to you? Have another wedding? Essentially give in to your wants?

He didn't want to do something locally. He wanted it to be just the 2 of them. That is the happy couples choice I'm afraid.

fourelementary · 16/02/2025 21:31

Whilst it is understandable that you were upset- it was unreasonable of you to cry and complain to him. Big girl pants should have been firmly up and maybe a quiet cry afterward as it was his wedding and not yours. Apologise and offer to have a celebratory meal?

Gatecrashermum · 16/02/2025 21:31

I can see why you're upset but it's their wedding, their choice. Some people don't want a big fuss.

I'd ask him if you can host a lunch to celebrate their marriage - get dressed up and celebrate.

The trend is very much for weddings to get smaller these days.

Don't repeat what you've said here about the hotel looking expensive - if that's their only cost it's still much cheaper than a lunch, even.

And - this is how they chose to spend their money.

ForFunGoose · 16/02/2025 21:31

Their wedding their way.
I would be very proud of them, wish I had the courage to do the same.

LillyPJ · 16/02/2025 21:32

I can understand someone wanting to have a quiet wedding with no fuss, not inviting friends and family. Weddings aren't a big deal for everyone. Maybe you could arrange a meal out or some kind of gathering to celebrate later on?

ebfwtf · 16/02/2025 21:32

My MIL reacted like this to our "wedding". She kept saying that she didn't need to join for the nice meal or lovely hotel we treated ourselves to, she just should have been at the service. My question for her - and for you - was, why on earth is being there for a 10 minute legal ceremony so important? I think it is purely because you think it's a slight NOT to be there, rather than actually wanting to be there. It was boring!
Stop making it about yourself. I feel really sad for your son that you've put this downer on his special day. I hope he and his wife and still able to enjoy their newly wed bubble.

Gettingabigger · 16/02/2025 21:32

My husband and I done this. Best thing we ever done.

Eenameenadeeka · 16/02/2025 21:32

Not unreasonable to feel disappointed. Unreasonable to cry down the phone at him, have a go at him, and judge how much he spent on the hotel. I think it would have been better to say a quick congratulations then get off the phone and cry about it/vent to your husband or something.

Neurotoxic · 16/02/2025 21:33

I get it but if they'd spent the hotel money (sounds like a mini honeymoon) on a ceremony that would accommodate more people then they wouldn't have the same money for the nice hotel. The cost goes up massively once you have more than witnesses present.
Weddings are so expensive and so much faff and organisation, even small ones.
And you're saying 'we could have done something locally' but it's their wedding and they probably wanted to do their own thing.

WLINewbie · 16/02/2025 21:33

LillyPJ · 16/02/2025 21:32

I can understand someone wanting to have a quiet wedding with no fuss, not inviting friends and family. Weddings aren't a big deal for everyone. Maybe you could arrange a meal out or some kind of gathering to celebrate later on?

Edited

You've misread the post, no-one was invited

AcquadiP · 16/02/2025 21:33

It was their big day and that was how they wanted to do things. Perhaps invite them to dinner at a lovely restaurant as a way of celebrating?

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 16/02/2025 21:34

Phone him back and apologise. Yes you’re devastated but their day their choices- why does what you want mean more than what the happy couple want. If you were my mum it wouldn’t be easy to forgive you for ruining my special day.

CanOfMangoTango · 16/02/2025 21:34

You need to apologise I'm afraid.

I understand that you're disappointed, but it sounds like you might have spoiled their wedding a bit letting your emotions take over on the phone call.

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