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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset son got married without me there?

1000 replies

Knju · 16/02/2025 21:24

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 16/02/2025 21:41

Your reaction is possibly why they chose to do it this way. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm sure loads of people would love to quietly get married but feel they can't. You now just need to be happy for them.

MrsTigerface · 16/02/2025 21:42

I understand your hurt, I really do and am not seeking to minimise your feelings in my response. But - as others have said - it’s their day and not yours. They have had the wedding they wanted which is so important. In your shoes I’d have a good cry, then tomorrow ring or text wishing them massive congratulations, welcoming your new DiL formally into the family, inviting them out for a slap up meal at a venue of their choice, and asking what they’d like as a present.

What you do / how you react now after absorbing the initial shock may well shape your future relationship with your son, DiL and potentially future grandkids, and so although I know it’s hurtful, please try to put them first.

I am also sending you a virtual hug. Take care x

justanotherchangeofname · 16/02/2025 21:42

Knju · 16/02/2025 21:24

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

You give options of what they could have done instead, but if they wanted that for their wedding then they would have had it.

You're allowed to be upset at not being there, of course you are! But they're also allowed to have a wedding that was right for them and it's ultimately it's about the couple and not anyone else.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/02/2025 21:43

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 16/02/2025 21:28

We did this.
No regrets. You need to get over it. It's not about you.

Yep, that's what we did. I hate a fuss, hate being the centre of attention and did not want to spend shedloads on it. No matter what anyone says, once family get involved the thing invariably grows like Topsy.

verycloakanddaggers · 16/02/2025 21:44

I understand you wish they'd had a bigger wedding, but it's their choice. You need to send a message congratulating them, it's not ok to guilt trip them about this.

Somr people choose very small weddings because it's genuinely what they want.

myplace · 16/02/2025 21:44

It sounds as though this was the only way for them to get the wedding they wanted.

That’s pretty sad, when you think about it.

ViciousCurrentBun · 16/02/2025 21:44

I would be upset but would not have reacted in the way you did as they really did just have the two of them and two randoms off the street that’s somehow better than say a wedding with a few people they know minus yourselves.

Silvertulips · 16/02/2025 21:45

What can you do about it?

You have a choice, be pleased for them, or go in a huff.

You can’t change what’s happened, but you can still treat them to dinner, buy them a gift and wish them well.

Brody021 · 16/02/2025 21:45

My son did similar. Told us a few weeks beforehand. Had everything arranged in another country. Got married, had a fab holiday and came home. I felt sad I wasn’t there. But it was their decision. And I’ve never let him know of my true feelings. I made sure he saw only positivity, and love. Kept my tears and heartbreak for the shower. He’s an adult and he did what they wanted….. as it should be. My advice is to reach out to the happy couple and wish them well.

unbelieveable22 · 16/02/2025 21:45

Of course you can be upset but it reads as if you have made this all about you and your feelings and what you wanted.

Please listen to him and try to understand. He has tried to explain but you can't or won't accept it. Be careful that you don't ruin your relationship going forward. Be happy for them both and offer to take them out for a special dinner.

howshouldibehave · 16/02/2025 21:45

Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there

So what?! It's their money, their wedding and their day. Do you really think that they should have spent this money on a wedding of your choosing even if it's not what they wanted??

You had your wedding, that was your chance to choose the type of wedding you had. This is down to them.

If you want to maintain any sort of relationship with them, I would phone them back now and apologise for your reaction.

Treeinthesky · 16/02/2025 21:45

I'd do this. If you partner and kids went then so would her family and then before you know it's 6k and all it's just a day out for the family. They made it about them not you

bumblefeline · 16/02/2025 21:46

Sounds lovely we did exactly the same and judging by your reaction that's probably why they did it.

Whatsitreallylike · 16/02/2025 21:46

If they invited you, stepdad and brothers, then they’d have to do the same her side. Then there’s granny to think about, you can leave her out. Before you know it theres a big expensive wedding they can’t afford and people are telling them they’re stupid, they should have saved/invested their money and shouldn’t be starting a life together in debt!

Jeaus fucking Christ, it’s not about you! Be proud he made a sensible decision to prioritise their spending this way and wish them the best!

DorothyStorm · 16/02/2025 21:46

I've just cried down the phone at him
self absorbed much?!

im going to assume this is typical behaviour and why you weren't invited.

it isnt always about you.

Soontobe60 · 16/02/2025 21:46

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 16/02/2025 21:28

We did this.
No regrets. You need to get over it. It's not about you.

It’s her son! Would you not be devastated if your child got married behind your back?

Calmontheoutsider · 16/02/2025 21:46

I can totally understand your instant reaction and I imagine your son can too. It would be odd not to be surprised and feel a little sad to have missed such a perceived important milestone.
That said, it is done and now you need to move forward. I think you need to phone him, explain it was a bit of a shock but you’re happy for them and look forward to raising a glass to celebrate.

Anotherparkingthread · 16/02/2025 21:46

Sorry but yabu it's not about you. For me is either want a non event that was special for me or the big wedding. Everything in between us a bit shit isn't it? A tacky meal that costs more than it's worth and a ton of stress? No thanks. I suppose you weren't offering to fork out 20k plus for the big day? Also wedding are an enormous waste of money and most people have a nervous breakdown over them, not worth the price or the stress.

whoamI00 · 16/02/2025 21:47

Of course it's disappointing. If my child had done that, I would have felt the same way as you.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 16/02/2025 21:47

He did exactly what my niece did.

My sister was disappointed but hell would've frozen over before she tried to manipulate her by crying down the phone.

She shed a few tears of disappointment in private and then accepted that it was their life and their choice.

That was almost 17 years ago and she's incredibly close to her daughter, her son-in-law and her two grandchildren.

It's only as bad as you want to make it OP.

Franjipanl8r · 16/02/2025 21:47

Crying down the phone to your adult son is really over the top sorry. Most parents want their kids to be happy, if he’s happy then good for him. Be hurt and disappointed but do it privately.

ComebackQueen · 16/02/2025 21:47

OP ignore some of the callous comments because from an emotional side I can understand your tears.

ultimately though, the couple decided to do it their way and it’s not like the brides side were there.

perhaps off to throw a celebratory lunch to celebrate the couple with close family if they don’t want a fuss but still want to celebrate it and include the respective families.

I find it hilarious how some people are acting like it’s no big deal but had it been their child, they would have a similar emotional reaction.

Sounds like your son and daughter in law don’t want a fuss and capable of making it in this world on their own way, I guess they wouldn’t want you to make a fuss come inheritance (I’m being facetious lol).

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 16/02/2025 21:47

What a horrible little.... So his Dad and siblings were there but not you? Wow. I'd never speak to my DC again, ever.

Inastatus · 16/02/2025 21:48

YANBU OP, I think most people would be upset to not to be involved in their child’s wedding.

Gymmum82 · 16/02/2025 21:48

We did this. We told most people we were doing it beforehand. We didn’t tell my parents as we knew they’d kick off.
It’s their day. You smile and say congratulations and move on. Maybe offer to take them out for a celebratory meal

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