To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

It's their wedding, not yours. I completely understand that you're disappointed, but you have no right to kick off, because it's their decision to make. Anything other than "congratulations" is the incorrect response.

I’m with you on this.

Marriage is about a commitment not just to each other but to God and on a wider point for the respective families. Culturally and religiously speaking.

Most of the people trivialising not being at your own child’s wedding are either lying because if it happened to them, there would be emotional discussions being had.

Or… it’s comments from a combination of the unmarried and don’t see the big deal because no one ever bestowed upon them the privilege of marriage or lack family and stability.

I do note that many of those that elope usually come from families where their biological parents are no longer together or some sort of family dysfunction, whether people know it or not.

that might ruffle some feathers but I call a spade a spade.

You can't help how you feel and it's ok to be disappointed and sad. I think you need to phone your son back and have an adult conversation with him. Apologise for your reaction and what you said. Tell him you are pleased for him that he had a lovely day in the way they wanted but also sad for you at the same time as you would like to have been part of it. Wish them well and see if they would like to have a lovely meal to celebrate

It's OK to be sad at not being involved in one of your child's major life events and finding out after. But he and his wife are allowed to have the wedding they want. They do need to also be adult enough to realise that may make people sad.

It's obvious why the bride would have been upset at having her husband's family on her wedding day but the absence of hers as a cruel reminder of her estrangement. I imagine that is the main reason for the intimate ceremony.
You may see your feelings as important but hers surely are the most important. She wouldn't want to feel underrepresented on her big day.

It's natural for you to be sad, but not right to view this as a personal slight when the bride has no close family at all.

I totally get where people are coming from and it's their wedding yes and they can do what they like yes.
However, for me personally, I could never have done this to my Mum. She's helped me so much through the years, financially & emotionally, that for me it would have been totally disrespectful to not even give her the heads up.
But each to their own I guess...

I understand your heartbreak, I'd feel the same way, but your insistence on letting them know how you feel is why they didn't tell you beforehand. Their wedding should really be about what they want, and it doesn't sound like they'd have been able to have that without guilt if they'd have let you know.

My parents have always said it's their job to teach me how to live without them. That means making (age appropriate!) decisions independently of them, without their judgement or guilt. I'm sure some of the things I've done have made them sad (leaving home at 18 for example) but they never let me see that. They understand that my life is about my choices, not about pleasing them. I hope to carry the same attitude into my own parenting though it's only now that I have a child that I see how difficult it must be.

I’d be very happy if my kids do that. Not having to choose a wedding out sounds bliss!

You need to get over it. There's no other option. Why not suggest a nice meal to celebrate?

Well yes, they probably do. I eloped and come from a family with dysfunctional adulting that's gone on! Didn't want that at my wedding. We don't know the whole backstory to why the son didn't want his mum at the wedding, but chances are, it's because there is more of a backstory than we know about.

Accept the kind offer of a day out. Do not view this as your new DIL ‘making it up to you’ … she has done nothing wrong, does not need to apologise and hence has nothing to make up for.

My mother left when I was a teen. This does not mean I see my husband’s mother as a replacement, or want any sort of mother-daughter relationship with her. Quite the opposite; during my teen years I had no mother figure (and when my mother was still around, she was the opposite of what a loving mother should be), and so I simply cannot respond to MIL’s matriarchal antics. If your new DIL is reserved with you, don’t try and force the relationship beyond her boundaries.

I understand why you were initially upset but it was a mistake to show it. You can salvage this now by accepting their invitation and being cheerful and happy for them.
Given your DIL's situation with her own family it's understandable that they would want to get married without any fuss and the reason your son didn't tell you in advance was probably because he suspected you might react badly.
If you continue to complain and be dramatic about it you are risking permanently alienating them.
You have helped your son when he was having difficulties and you say he is much happier now.
You haven't been discarded but you do have an opportunity to relax and enjoy life more.
It's a mistake to help our children with expectations. Expectations if unmet lead to resentment.
Consider what someone above said and ask yourself whether you are close to your son or are enmeshed and need to build up your own interests. (I don't know whether this is the case or not but I would think about it)

@Knju They are extending an olive branch, please take this as an opportunity to build bridges.

They have had the wedding that they wanted. It didn't include you, which has hurt you - which I think is understandable to most families if you get on. Obviously her 'family' experience is completely different.

Please do not make it all about you. Please focus on them wanting to be together and making sensible financial decisions to have a small wedding to save for a house. Remember, them getting married like this, is not a slight against you. Please reframe your this in your head

Meh.
I have adult children and, luckily for them, I don't live my life vicariously through them.
My young men are wonderful.. kind and respectful and I don't see the big deal in what this son has done. I just don't. Pleasing someone else simply because THEY have a dream. A very long term dream. Or feel entitled and owed this experience at the expense of a couples own desire for how they want their day to play out. I wouldn't do that to my children. I don't need to bask in the glory of having raised a child who reaches the pinnacle of life and has a wedding 🤣
My wish for my children is that they live happy lives with healthy relationships. I don't care if, or how, they choose to marry. But they know this so they know they have the freedom to make the choices that are best for them and they have my support whatever that looks like.

I am the opposite party in this situation - I got married without telling anyone. We had been together a long time though. Neither of us wanted a fuss for various reasons. My mum was surprised, but she accepted it. It was what we wanted and the most perfect day for us. I understand you feeling sad, but it was nothing personal to anyone else and it was what they wanted. I would try not to let it damage your relationship with your son and try to be happy for him.

Nonsense! My grandparents were all together 60+ years and my parents eloped and are still together 70+ years later. Eloping is a time honored type of marriage. No one’s feelings have to be hurt (OP) and it doesn’t mean that her son (or commenters) don’t know what a happy marriage looks like.

I think the difference between you and OP is that you refer to your mum as "beloved" and OP's latest update suggests a back story where her DS might not share that sentiment. The fact he's asked her to "plaster on a smile" also implies she's not shy about showing her disapproval.

Marriage is about a commitment not just to each other but to God and on a wider point for the respective families. Culturally and religiously speaking.

It was a register office wedding. God didn’t come into it.

By your logic, the OP's son has had the kind of parenting that makes him think this is ok behaviour. So, she'll have to live with the consequences of that parenting. 🤷

Well, if they were, then they were better actors than I ever gave them credit for. Plus, we had asked them a few years earlier in a very casual, round-about way, so we were pretty sure they'd be fine.

@Knju

"Some of the comments about family set up have been a bit triggering as my son has seemed to want to re write history the last few years of how his teenage years were when his stepdad and I have never done anything but try to support him"

Or maybe it's you who's rewriting history.

"He has texted me and said his wife would like to treat us to a day out next weekend but he wants to know if I can 'plaster a smile on' for them"

You have a good DIL who is still being the bigger person. I would strongly urge you not to kick this opportunity.

Honestly, best of luck.

Misread this as 'God didn't come to it.' and thought it was a point about how even theological deities weren't invited so the OP is in good company! 😂

I think it’s okay to say you were disappointed not to be there. Of course you wish you were as he’s your son.

However children do not owe you anything as much as it’s wonderful to celebrate big news or achievements. He does not owe anyone a space at his wedding, it sounds like they married for love and did it their own way for their own reasons. It’s lovely and I’m sure as the years go by your son and his new wife will have many things happen that you can celebrate with them.

If I were you I’d swallow your feelings, take the offer of a day out (a great place to start building a relationship with your daughter in law) and celebrate their marriage with them then.

I'm struggling to understand why you've put offered in quotation marks? I know you say you don't mean to but your posts, when talking about your DIL, aren't very warm. It's like you blame her, when it's clear that this was actually your sons decision.

You are not unreasonable to be upset and disappointed, and it would be a tough ask to conceal that at the point in time you were told. What is important is that you explain that to your son and then seek to move on without holding a grudge about it.

Just offering some perspective from someone who eloped. My partner and I got married when we lived abroad (so it would be easier to get a mortgage). We had not actually intended to get married, and I was absolutely against having a 'wedding' of any kind (and my mum knew that). We did a courthouse ceremony with a justice of the peace as a witness and then just went home for lunch. My mum was very upset at the time ( I think it was a bit of a shock!), but what we did was when we next came back to the UK we planned a big meal and party at a fancy restaurant and treated that as the 'wedding' celebration. My mum ended up having a lovely time and there is no bad feelings between us at all. I do feel for you, though, because I was surprised at how upset my mum was and I didn't realise it meant so much to her. I think the problem is that if we had agreed to have a 'small wedding' it would have just ballooned and my mum would have planned this massive thing (she did this with my sibling's wedding). I really didn't want that at all. My mum has also come to appreciate how much money we saved, when she looks at the debt my sibling is now in.