To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Yes. This! That was exactly how it was for us. I adored both my parents, had a very close relationship with them, and with my sibling, and everyone was pretty much just happy that we were happy.

It’s not about you, it’s about them, and what they’ve done sounds far more reasonable than spending tens of thousands of pounds on one day. If they’d have asked you and your husband and the siblings then they’d have to invite the brides family, and it just spirals from there.

Just be happy for them.

We did that too. I hate fuss and attention. I've always known I didn't want a traditional wedding. Perhaps your son / his wife feels the same. Well done to them for doing it their way.

My sister did this. I didn't cry or anything. Of course I congratulated her. But it's a distance between us and she chose that. That's her decision.

Sometimes she makes some comments about how much more time we, her siblings, spend with each other. It's true, we do, and that's a bit sad for her. This is how those things start I suppose.

You seem to be suggesting that you're punishing your sister for not having a big wedding. Why would you do that?

awful way to behave towars your sister

No point conversing about it. What's done is done. Either op accepts that her sons wedding wasn't about her or she doesn't. Her choice!

Honestly I would be delighted if my kids did this as I hate fuss too and all the pressure of pics etc! Not to mention the expense...!!

While as a Mum I can understand your upset - "your upset" being the key words here. Your son is an adult and clearly they wanted to do this without "fuss" and I think they were dead right in terms of having the marriage ceremony they wanted. It actually takes courage to do something out of the "society norm" sometimes.Why not reach out again now and congratulate them with love and change the narrative around the whole thing - life is so short and fragile. You were upset yes understandable but also it is something that shouldn't change the direction of your love for your son and your now dil and the rest of your family. Congratulations to you all!

If I were you I'd invite them all out for a nice meal to celebrate, have a few drinks and toast the happy couple x

They sound immensely sensible OP. Be pleased for them. It would be different if other family was invited but not you.

All these people who’d be devastated if it happened to them. I wonder how they’d cope if something actually bad happened in their life, as a wedding is usually considered a good not a bad thing!

The amount of posters who think emotional manipulation and blackmail is how families should operate explains a lot of posts on here!

And DS having all his own family there just further highlights the empty space for DIL. I know, as I had a small registry office wedding with EH and his family without my own. I feel it would have been better all or nothing. If I had all my extended friends and a huge party I wouldn’t have felt the absence of my own family quite so hard.

Focusing just on them as a couple and not pleasing anyone else takes a lot of sadness away and lets them be themselves, for themselves. It’s very romantic.

No parent is owed a wedding.

Given that eloping led to hysterics down the phone, it's not a stretch to imagine that a wedding to which the family were invited would have involved months of that sort of phone call when decisions were made that weren't what the family wanted. Been there, done that. Should've eloped.

hysterics is a very loaded word. Crying is not hysterics.

My brother did this. I'm close to him, so I'm sad I wasn't there - but it was his & his wife's choice. There were no tears from either me or, as far as I'm aware, my parents - even though I'm sure they were a bit disappointed not to be there too. Personally, I think it's one of those situations where you need to get over your shock & disappointment and move very quickly to being happy that they're happy (even if you're inwardly still disappointed).

I totally get why you feel upset but ultimately its their choice and I'm sure there'll be plenty more choices over the years to come that you don't necessarily agree with.

I wanted to get married abroad just us and our children but was guilted into having a large wedding at home (at our cost!) to accommodate MIL's elderly relatives, I wish we'd stuck to our guns.

I would never have done such a thing to my own beloved mother ...

Not everyone has a beloved mother ...

I wanted just immediate family but MIL said his cousin and her husband had to be invited because they'd invited us to theirs (theirs was country house 150+ people blow-out ((which lasted less than 3 years)) ). Oh and my BIL's MIL (!) had to come, oh and her good friend D because .... Oh and she was going to make a Wedding Cake of two tiers and .... My Mum was an extremely anxious person and I could see her getting more and more stressed through the day while MIL told us all what should be done, who should sit where, time the cake should be cut and - even that I should give the sweet little freeshia bouquet I carried to the cousin for coming (in front of the whole family).

I wish I'd been strong minded enough to do what I / we wanted rather than people please others. I was exhausted by 6pm, and quietly teary. Horrible day.

What way? She chooses not to invite or include us in some things so we spend that time with each other instead? It's not any type of behaviour it's just a description of the situation.

She has been very hurt in some unspecified way by her family. It's understandable that she is guarded with you, at least for just now. There's a strong possibility this could change if you are patient and consistent in your approach. I know it should be easier but it sounds like she does - tentatively - want to try to strengthen bonds too.

I would be upset about the secret marriage. Not about them doing it quietly on their own but them not giving anyone an inkling they might prefer to do things this way. So I understand your feelings.

I think your son tried to do the right thing in solidarity with her because if his side of the family were present, she would feel the absence of her side more keenly - even if they all can't stand each other!

All you can do is try to move forward and do your best not to dwell on what happened - although I agree that not saying anything in advance wasn't the friendliest of gestures from them.

Er, I love my sister and we have a good relationship. We just aren't as close as I am to my other siblings.

Objectively, this is because she consistently withdraws from us, by not including us in things like her wedding (which was a registry office, no need to spend any money!), joining in on family occasions, and so on. This isn't something I'm doing. It's up to her - it's her life and these are her decisions. Other people also live their lives and over time if you're not around, you're not as close. That's what close means. You can't have it both ways. Again, this isn't something I'm doing, just something I'm observing.

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

If he didn't used to 'bother with you' then why are you surprised at this? You're no longer the person picking up anything for him. But you also have not been discarded, that's really dramatic. And that might be what they wanted to avoid.

You all seem to be making this man's wedding about you. It's not.

Once when I asked my son alone he said when her brother died her parents said they wished it was her and that just summed up the whole thing really, she hasn't spoken to them since she moved out a couple of weeks after she turned 18.

This is what the OP said about her new DILS estrangement from her family. I think it's important for context, because it indicates much more than a temporary tiff but something very painful.