To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

You can redeem this, but you need to pull yourself together and do it quickly.

Call him back tonight, like now, tell him "Sorry son, I was just taken aback and wasn't expecting that. I'm so sorry for my reaction, I was just shocked. Congratulations to the both of you, I'm really happy for you both. Can I take you both out to dinner next week to celebrate? Looking forward to seeing the photos".

Honestly, you need to act quick on this one, otherwise you'll risk permanent damage to the relationship.

Much as I hate the trend for big expensive weddings where people are spending thousands on one day and then struggling to get a deposit for a house, I would be so upset if they got married without letting me know or wanting me to be there, and I think your reaction is perfectly understandable.

What's your relationship like with your DC and his partner generally ? I guess if you have a big family it becomes difficult to have just a small event, not knowing who to invite/leave out so maybe that's what's behind it.

I think @AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring probably gets it now.

They'll either come back and apologise to the PP or they'll name change into oblivion.

So many questions. Are you widowed? If not what kind of relationship do you have with his father? Could that be the reason? What have his PIL said about the wedding?

If they’d invited others and it was the usual wedding stuff then I’d understand you being upset but they didn’t invite anyone (other than the witnesses they had no choice but to invite). I am the mother of sons and honestly I would have been surprised but as long as I liked the bride I’d have been happy for them (admittedly I’m not really in to weddings).

Yes be disappointed and upset but don’t ruin it for your son.

Glad to see reading comprehension is as impeccable as ever on good ol' Mumsnet 🙄

You said if they truly didn't want a fuss you would have done something locally.

I suspect that is why they have married as they have as you wouldn't have accepted that they don't even want that.

I have two sons and a daughter and I thought about how I'd feel if I got a call to say they had got married. I can honestly say I'd be okay. Keen to see photos, happy they have done what worked for them, proud they have the ability to make choices for themselves and content that they knew they could and I'd just be happy for them.

We did this nearly 30 years ago. Never had any regrets. If parents were disappointed no one showed it, all delighted for us and glad we were happy.

I actually cannot believe you cried and tried to point how they might have done it differently, wonder why they didn't tell anyone?

YANBU to be upset but you should have kept your feelings to yourself. It's not about you.
Your happiness for the fact your son has found the love of his life and they have married in a way that makes them happy, should far outweigh your feelings of being left out.

Ring back, say sorry you were a bit shocked, Take them for a slap up meal and enjoy looking at the photos. They sound very sensible. I would pay my kids to do what they did.

So she could have found herself with no family at her wedding, while he had lots?

There are always good reasons for people’s behaviour. It’s not done to punish you, but to accomplish something they needed.

They married, without needing to accommodate anyone else’s needs or preferences. No fuss about who sat where, who wore what. Who to ask, who to leave out…

Blissful, really.

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

This is why they didn’t tell you beforehand. It’s a pretty selfish attitude, especially towards your children.

Why on earth should the OP apologise to random posters on here?

Why are posters telling the OP off for having a completely understandable emotional response to news that has really upset her? Are you all made of wood? I cried when my DD told me over the phone that she had got engaged. Should I have not done that? I cried when my DF told me that he was refusing any further treatment for his cancer. Should I have said - oh that’s ok, let’s go out for coffee and cake?
There are times when our emotions get the better of us and in this instance the news the OP received has shocked and really upset her. Her DC is an adult - why should she pretend to him that she was delighted with his choice to cut her out of his wedding? To save his feelings? No doubt she will compose herself and get over the way she currently feels, but her feelings are valid.

I think you’re getting a harsh reaction here @Knju but then again mumsnet doesn’t think it’s a real marriage unless you popped to the registry office on your lunch break. My mum would be devastated if I had done something like this.

They could have at least told you they were getting married even if they did want to do it alone (which one of my mum’s friend’s children did - she was upset but it was easier for her to just be happy for them because she didn’t feel totally excluded). You could have bought them a nice present or contributed to the hotel. Or if they couldn’t have done that, they could have told you after the fact in a nicer way than over the phone.

Weddings are big life milestones and there are certain rites of passage associated with your own wedding, and the weddings of your children and close family members. YANBU to be upset and don’t let people here make you feel like you are. I remember saying to my parents and in laws on my wedding day that as much as it was our day as husband and wife it was their day too as the parents.

That being said, you should ring him back as people suggest and apologise for not reacting in the way he would have liked and suggest a celebration lunch or something as people suggest.

I’d be hurt too. But to preserve your relationship with your DS you’ll have to pretend you’re not and wish them well. Shitty really xx

You have to respect that’s how they wanted their wedding day to be.

He said she has a lot of friends living abroad who they would have felt they had to host a decent weekend for if travelling for a wedding, and it would be difficult where to draw the line...it all felt full of weak reasons really

How on earth are they 'weak reasons'?

Instead of making the wedding difficult and having just his side of the family there without her having anyone, they went for what they saw as the sensible option.

I have never been one to conceal my feelings

This ^^ could've made up part of their decision not to tell you at Christmas.

I think its about time you learned to conceal your feelings. You can let it be known you were disappointed and be upset but then after your initial reaction you need to keep your thoughts to yourself. Its done. It wasnt about you. Any more is selfish indulgence by you. Offer to host a celebration at a later date

Oh Christ, another one who cannot read or can't be bothered! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

We did this, no regrets, MIL was very upset and we still can’t talk it in front of her, I understand she was upset, we upset everyone but most people understood as I had lost my mum a few years previously, we went on our own and had a couple of witnesses from the hotel. Would I do it again, absolutely, would I be happy for my DC to do it, absolutely, do I wish MIL would look at our wedding photos, absolutely. We’re still together 26 years later, unlike SIL who had the big wedding and lasted a few years.

We eloped because we did not want to be the centre of attention and did not want a party. We did want to be married.

it all felt full of weak reasons really

No, it all feels full of their reasons. Maybe because it was their wedding.

Sorry OP but it you're being really short sighted. I understand you're disappointed but to not accept their decision and ultimately, be elated that your son is married, is pretty selfish going forward.

We hated the idea of a big wedding (I only have parents and brother/SIL, no close friends whereas DH is the opposite) and wanted to do it just us and our 2 kids, but we ended up inviting parents to stop any potential fall out. My mum and dad made it clear they would've been happy if we'd just done it without them, but behaved impeccably before, during and after. Mil stated she was happy with it but then acted like a bratt because she's joined at the hip with her sister and also because she believes her 3 kids, one of which is obv my husband, should live out of each others pockets no matter how rude, selfish and annoying they are (specifically the brother) and that they and all the offspring (some of which are demonic) should've been invited because it's family. She totally ruined my previously great relationship with her and all because she made it very obvious that she wanted mine and her sons wedding to be done the way she wanted it to be. Please be very careful with how you carry this on with your son and DIL.

She has no family and you don't think for this reason it would have been hard to have a "normal" wedding? I understand you feel put out but this isn't something they have done TO YOU this is something they wanted to do for each other. Which is what marriage is supposed to be.

Sounds like you've raised a man who values the true meaning of marriage. Text back and apologise and offer to host a nice celebration lunch would be my advice.