To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

I did this and we had a lovely day on our own. It was quiet and we didn't have to please anyone else.

That isn't what happened at all 🤔

Offer to take them out for dinner and congratulate them.

I don’t think they were there. I read it as you did at first, but what the OP is saying is that none of them were there I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there

I'm very close to my children and if one had said they wanted a no fuss wedding with no guests then they would have had my full support and respect.

To just do it and then tell me afterwards would have been hurtful.

Yanbu at all but defo do not make a big deal about it

Whack on a smile and be as gracious and proud as poss

I'd be very hurt but you'll only come off badly if you say any more xx

We went away to a registry office to get married alone. Our parents knew what we were doing - my parents were fine about it and the IL’s weren’t happy. We didn’t want a fuss, it was literally just a legal thing to get done. We didn’t need anyone there and it didn’t need to be a big deal

He’s shown you what he wanted and you immediately came up with several ways he should have done it differently so I can understand why he didn’t tell you in advance.
I did the same as your son. To be honest, it is because my mother is impossible and it would have been excruciating to have her there, but I’m sure people do it like that for other reasons too.

This is the reason I haven't told my mum I got a civil partnership.
We wanted just a tiny 2+2 ceremony, which we did. My mum wouldn't understand so I haven't told her we did it. It's been nearly 2 years now.

Of course YANBU.
I would be really hurt too.

I can understand being disappointed but crying down the phone about it is really poor behaviour and possibly illustrative of why he didn't invite you to go along.

You should have swallowed down your disappointment and just congratulated them. Why focus on you and what you feel you've missed instead of them and the commitment they've made to each other?

My son (30) and my DIL did this, although we were told about it first.

Good for them. Crying down the phone is pretty bad.

Your reaction is absolutely normal but yes, you do really need to get over it and be happy for them.

Yes - sorry! I realized my mistake and have edited my comment now. I'm glad someone else initially misunderstood the OP!

We got married without telling any of our siblings or parents. Not only that, but we didn’t tell anyone for years afterwards. I didn’t want any fuss. We did it in jeans on our lunchbreak, having got a last-minute cancellation at our local register office. My parents would have wanted to make it a big deal, dressed up, taken photos etc, and would have spent the entire time wishing I was dressed up, in a church, with bridesmaids, and been apologising to all of the extended family for not being invited. My parents and DH’s were fine about it, but even if they hadn’t, I still feel that people should consult their own preferences.

Of course YANBU to be upset @Knju I think I would be too. I think most people would. I can't believe the poll results here. So many people saying they wouldn't care. I don't believe them!

I'm so sorry you're upset.

Yeah you need to get over yourself and your upset to congratulate them

If they invited you, they would then have had to invite all parents, siblings etc and it would turn into exactly what they didn't want, fuss. They obviously invited one couple who they knew were relaxed, and wouldn't turn it into a huge thing. I bet I'd no witnesses were required that couple wouldn't have been there either.

If they had have told you in advance you wouldn't have approved, they knew this, so they didn't.

I think it's lovely, and why wouldn't they spend a lot on their hotel to enjoy their honeymoon. It is for the couple, and nobody else. I think intimate affairs like this are so much nicer than big showey weddings where often it ends in divorce but live and let live. I'm all for eloping, and I hope my dc do this and not rope me into something huge stressy wedding (if they choose to get married in the future).

It must be disappointing for you sure, but I admire that they have done it their way. You read so many wedding dramas on here that have the majority of the time been caused by other people.

They have been sensible I think

We did similar.

Ring him back, apologise for your reaction and arrange to take them out for a meal to celebrate.

Listen to your son - get over it, and be happy for them.

If you continue on your path, you will end up like my MIL & FIL - estranged from us, having never met their grandchildren. Why? Because of a very bad reaction to our wedding from MIL. A MIL who refused to accept her son now had another woman in his life. Don't be like my wretched MIL.

Get over it, and be happy for them.

I would be really upset too. All you can do is congratulate them and wish them a happy marriage.

It was their choice OP

I totally understand your reaction.. but, its done now. As @DGPP and @NormasArse said, ring them back, apologise for anything out of sorts that was said- and ask would they consider a little family celebration sometime soon, at a time of their choosing.. say they don't have to decide now but you'd love if they'd consider it. Explain you know they've done what's right for them and you're happy for them both.
Does the bride have a mum around? Do you know her? Could you do something together, as 2 families for them, if they're agreeable?

If they don't want a wedding, and you will kick up a fuss if they didn't have a wedding, then the obvious result is that they don't get married. Ever.

I think you need to apologize, or they will start of their married life without your support, and it will be hard to re-establish a good relationship.