To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

That makes you even more unreasonable. So you expect them to get married with her having no guests and your son having a big family group? Under the circumstances, a tiny private wedding sounds perfect.

He didn't mean to hurt you, though I think it is a bit thoughtless. My dear Mum was ever so sad when my brother eloped. The only way to go is to be happy for them.
Ask them for a hard copy of their best photo for you to frame and display proudly.
Be sure to celebrate as a family; don't let the occasion slip by without you hosting a simple gathering to mark the commitment and change to their status.
BBQ or afternoon tea party. Get dressed up and express joy.
Invite immediate family of your new DIL, totally her choice.

This!
Some people just want to get married with no fuss. I bet many people would opt for the same if they could choose.

I got married similar and I can honestly say I didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought. It was mine and his day no one else’s.

Oh my fucking god. I normally don't double post like this but as I've literally just minutes ago taken the piss out of someone else's lack of reading comprehension ability I feel it's only fair to take the piss out of this one too.

To salvage you need to call him back, and apologise for your unhelpful reaction, say you're delighted for them both and wish them all the very best, how wonderful. This might require you to start trying a bit harder to conceal your feelings.

If she's estranged from her family, I think you're really missing the point that they could have just celebrated with his side, how would have that have felt to her? In addition, she would have liked to have friends there in lieu probably, but they're overseas so logistically that didn't work either.

They didn't want a fuss, but they're getting one now anyway, aren't they, I would seriously put the stoppers on this ill feeling before it has the chance to bed in.

If youve never been one to not be rude, or as your put it ‘conceal your feelings’, that is again probably why you weren't invited. That, and the manipulative crying down the phone when he called you excited to tell you he was married. How do you think crying down the phone made him feel? About his wedding?

You're being silly. The examples you give are perfectly normal to show your upset emotions.

Crying at someone who is calling with good news that they've just got married is selfish, self-absorbed, cruel behaviour. I should know, my MIL told my DH that our wedding day was the worst day of her life. Bloody bitch.

OP wasn't crying happy tears for her son, she was crying tears of sadness, and disappointment, instead of being nice and congratulating her son. She reacted badly, and her son & DIL won't forget that. Not a great start to married life for them, OP should be feeling ashamed of her behaviour, pissing on their parade like that.

She doesn't have any family she is estranged from them so they could have done something with us without being obligated to invite anyone else.

That makes complete sense. If she doesn't speak to any of her family, I can see why it was easier for them to have no family, rather than inviting family for him but not for her!

I don't blame you for being upset.I would be devastated too.
Fair enough doing a wedding in their own way eg: some want a small and intimate gathering abroad, some want a big lavish bash with everyone they've ever known invited! Some may want a religious ceremony, others a civil one.

But as a parent, sharing in your children acheiving life goals (such as getting married) is something you look forward to from day dot, and unless someone has been a crappy parent and doesn't deserve to do so, I think it's really mean to exclude the people who brought you into the world and worked hard bringing you up all those years from sharing in such a big milestone and being rewarded by the happiness and pride felt at witnessing it.

It is very disappointing for you. But try not to make a big thing of it. That's what he wanted to do.

Hope you’re not this knee jerk in real
life. Best to grasp a situation properly before you decide to not speak to your dc again or they might not want to speak to you.

Exactly our reasons. I've heard so many arguments (on here and in real life) arising from weddings, not the least from one set of parents or another sticking their oars in about who, what, when, where, how many... etc.

Be happy he got the wedding he wanted. It's not about you, don't guilt him for choosing his wedding day

I can understand how upset you are.
I think you have to respect his decision, made by someone who won't realise what it would have meant to you.
I would focus on keeping the relationship going.

I totally understand OP. I would be heartbroken if my son had done this.

However unfortunately it's done now and it can't be changed. Be sad about it in private but you'll have to find a way past it.
I feel for you though - this would really hurt me too 💐🩷

I do just want to add as well OP @Knju that as much as you might want to apologise for reacting negatively, it is unreasonable of your son to expect you to have not been upset at all. Of course you would have been and if he can’t realise that and expected you to just be delighted then he probably isn’t mature enough to have got married in the first place

You've really been married 28 years and no one knows????

Also you might have missed the actual ceremony but it sounds like your son has married someone he absolutely loves and has married for the right reasons, it is absolutely something you can celebrate! Just because it's not on the day in the way you would have done it doesn't mean it's not a joyful wonderfully thing. Just celebrate after?

Guilt and self absorption is a bloody terrible way to go.

I don’t see the issue. Would be different if he had a big wedding and invited everybody except you.

But clearly they did not want a big wedding nor any fuss. It’s about them not you.

You would want them to have the type of wedding they would not want just to keep you happy. I genuinely don’t understand your point of view on it.

You're being so rude. They aren't "weak reasons", they are perfectly valid reasons as to why they made the decision they did.

Your behaviour will completely spoil what could have been a good relationship with your son & DIL, and any grandchildren they may have.

Why can't you just cry in private and be happy for them in public?

Don't make this all about you, just don't.

I would be very disappointed if my DC did this but I would accept it was their decision. If they didn't discuss it with me beforehand or have the decency to come and speak to me in person rather than on the phone I would view it as a lack of care. And as for crying down the phone, I think it's understandable given the circumstances. He's only 26 so probably not mature enough to consider the feelings of others before acting.

There's nothing you can do to change it.
People have the right to celebrate or officiate their union in their own mutual and personal way.
It's not worth falling out with them over it. It could have been fairly impulsive, they could've wanted it to be quiet and private. Those things are important to them and they did it their own way. Hopefully same as you if you got married.

You are entirely reasonable to be shocked and caught by surprise.

you are only being unreasonable od you let it spoil things moving forward.

I think it would have been polite for the OPs son to tell his mum in advance to give her the opportunity to come to terms with it.

I think a lot of people would be shocked if their child turned up married one day.