To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

It’s her son! Would you not be devastated if your child got married behind your back?

I told DS when he got engaged that he was to do exactly what him and his fiancé wanted for their wedding, anything goes - including one where I wasn't present. I would never want any of my DC to feel obliged to have their wedding in any way but what they wanted.

No none were there.

What a horrible thing to say. This BOY invited his dad & step siblings but left his mum out, it's insidious. You've zero proof or evidence that OP 'deserves' this in any way. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down. Vile

What a horrible little.... So his Dad and siblings were there but not you? Wow. I'd never speak to my DC again, ever.

Please re-read the OP - that’s not what happened, honesty I despair and some peoples comprehension skills.

No they weren't 😳

What a horrible thing to say. This BOY invited his dad & step siblings but left his mum out, it's insidious. You've zero proof or evidence that OP 'deserves' this in any way. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down. Vile

No he didn’t

What's 'vile' is laying into people when you couldn't be bothered to read the OP properly.

What a horrible thing to say. This BOY invited his dad & step siblings but left his mum out, it's insidious. You've zero proof or evidence that OP 'deserves' this in any way. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down. Vile

I think you need to take some time and actually read the OP properly 😂

I am sorry you are upset OP, but probably to them it's a contract and a big wedding (or in fact even the basics with 10 pp) can be expensive. We married with just us and our 2 DC for witnesses (over 18), had a fantastic meal for the 4 of us. Saved a lot of money and hassle. We still haven't told family. Just be happy for them!

My dd got married in Vegas last year. I was so happy for them both as it was what they wanted and if you saw their smiles on the pics, it was definitely the right decision for them. My sil has been very vocal in her disapproval of the whole situation but that’s her issue.

I absolutely understand why you feel upset. I would be disappointed if I didn't know, let alone be invited to my son's wedding. However, what is done, is done. You can't change the facts, no matter how disappointed you may feel. I'd leave it a day or two and then give your son a call. Tell him that you are disappointed, but you understand and accept that it is their day and they wanted to marry their own way. Ask him if you could take them out for a meal, with his siblings/step-Dad etc to celebrate. Your son and his wife very clearly didn't want any fuss, and her parents might be feeling exactly like you, right now. Don't let this fester into something massive, that it gets blown out of all proportion.

@DorothyStorm - that’s not being self absorbed!! Your child getting married is a huge life event which most parents would be upset about being excluded from.

We did this. My parents and my in-laws were so happy for us. We all have a great relationship and it’s been nothing but love all round.

This is tough, OP. I can understand why you’d be so disappointed and upset. I also think — to all the PP saying you shouldn’t have cried/expressed your disappointment to your DS — that’s a huge ask. The news came out of the blue, and I imagine it would be near impossible to hide your feelings. However, I do think you need to take a deep breath now, remind yourself this isn’t a reflection on you (ie, it’s not that they wanted a big celebration and just didn’t want YOU there), but is simply how they wanted to get married — and, as others have suggested, ask if you can do something with them now to mark the occasion in some way. X

The wedding is, what? Fifteen minutes?

The marriage, the married son, the daughter in law, the family, the possible grandchildren? That’s for decades hopefully.

It’s their day, that was their wish, they’re both adults and they chose something you wouldn’t have chosen. There will be millions of decisions they make that will be different from your choices, none of it matters, what matters is congratulating them, having a little cry in private, and then sending them a lovely card and all your love and best wishes.

I eloped. And my parent is still harping on about it now, decades later. Given the choice, would I do it again? Bloody hell yes. Absolutely.

I totally understand why you are upset and I would be upset too!

Where on earth did you read that??

There was no need to cry down the phone - that's manipulative behaviour.

The OP could've cried in private and if she found herself getting very upset on the phone, said she'd ring him back.

Point us all at the bit in the original post where it says that.

It doesn't. It says the couple got married with 2 other people as witnesses.

It's not about you. It's what they wanted. You sound selfish.

No, of course not. I did it myself, so am well-equipped to understand why someone else might prefer it.

You've misread the OP - nobody was there apart from the couple and 2 randoms from the hotel that were witnesses

OP wanted the stepdad and siblings etc there

She doesn't have any family she is estranged from them so they could have done something with us without being obligated to invite anyone else.

He said she has a lot of friends living abroad who they would have felt they had to host a decent weekend for if travelling for a wedding, and it would be difficult where to draw the line...it all felt full of weak reasons really

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

Why be nasty? She only wanted to be shown some consideration and to share in their happiness.

This is great advice.