Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

That's terrible. Surely this is a safeguarding issue?

Rather than stopping both going could you send one at a time until they have a bed each?

He will try to twist it, but no one will believe him. If you're happy to have the kids with you tell him you won't be sending them again until they have their own bed. He can fight that if he wants to (he won't, he's obviously a lazy half arsed parent) but he won't win.

So he's neglecting his son? Definitely grounds to not send him. One at a time sounds like a good compromise so there's no comeback on you. If anyone asks, just say dad hasn't provided a suitable bed so everyone knows it's not you creating an issue

Why doesn't the son sleep in with him and dd have the single?

The children need their own beds, that really isn’t asking too much. In fact, when my children and I had social services involvement years back due to DV, one of the first things the social worker wanted to establish was where the children slept. They were expected to have their own beds, with clean bedding on it. It’s considered a basic need. My son slept in my bed most nights at the time but still had his own bed available to him.

Your ex will always have an excuse to come up short somewhere. I’d be very surprised if this was the only marker of neglect in his home.

This.

I'd just buy the beds and drop them off,show him how ridiculous he's being.

Buy a bed and get it delivered to his place. Not fair I know but the children's well-being comes first.

This would make me wonder what else he isn't bothering with

Thanks for the responses, I've talked to my daughter again, she said they will often swap who stays in his bed, she said the 3rd bedroom is full of junk and boxes, and in their room his cot bed is still there but covered in boxes, so there's no room for another bed at the moment. So basically he needs to clear out all the junk and old cot bed! I've messaged him again, he's read it but no reply. Sending one at a time is a good idea, at least that way they will have a bed to themselves until he gets his lazy self in gear to sort it out. My daughter said whenever someone has come to visit like his mum he keeps all the bedroom doors shut, so no one else has seen the sleeping situation.

At 10, my daughter was wearing a bra and soon to be starting her periods. I would not like my partner sleeping with her.

Refuse to send them until he sorts it out.

I was imagining a small flat with no actual space and was going to suggest a blow up mattress as better than current arrangement.

But 3 bed home, just cluttered? He's being a shit dad. He should have sorted this ages ago!

Pathetic. I'm on a FB group where free beds are advertised every other day.

He can have one child every weekend then.

Because it’s a 3 bedroom house, the child deserves a bed and the ex said he’d buy a bed once the OP had paid the final divorce settlement. She’s paid him ‘several thousand pounds’ which is enough to buy a bed.

"Let me know when you've sorted beds for the children and then we'll be able to discuss starting contact again". Then ignore. What a prick. Do not buy the beds and pander to this abusive idiot.

Providing a bed is one of the most basic things a parent can do.

I wouldn't send my kids there, tbh.

Could you buy them and deduct the money from any settlement or is that all complete now?

I know it makes it easy for him but the kids are the priority.

Hey Jim, the bed situation is really bothering the kids. Just looked on IKEA website and a single bed is £90. Do you need me to lend you the money for it? I’m happy to. If you’re worried you won’t be able to assemble it either I can come round and do it or my Dad / Brother is happy to. They are way beyond cot beds and sharing don’t you think?

Embarrass the lazy A Hole in to doing something!

Too accommodating

"Dd has made it clear she is uncomfortable bed sharing. Overnights for her can resume once she has her own bed at yours. Let me know what time is best to collect her each evening she spends the day with you so that she can sleep in her own bed"

Involve his parents. Ex is incompetent.

Ask his mother to help sort out the children's bedroom so that a new bed can be fitted.
Tell ex that his daughter has chosen a second hand bed at an op shop and she will not be coming over to stay until he has room for it.
Go shopping with DD, buy the bed, a new mattress and bedding. They are hers, a gift from you.
Paint it together maybe.

I also like the idea, above, of offering him a loan to buy it, and a loan of your father and brother too.

I would message his mother then and say you are going to have to stop overnight visits because of the bed situation and explain the DD has mentioned how cluttered the rooms are and that he may need family help to sort it out so he can sort the children's rooms and beds out to start overnights again.

Start using a court approved app for communication and state that the DC are NOT happy not having a suitable bed each and it's inappropriate that he is bed sharing with them.

That he has the room & the finances to provide them with a bed and room each so it's completely unacceptable that they do not have their own beds.

Yeah giving your kids a bed is the most basic care. I'd not be sending them until he's sorted it.