Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

Move to emails - so trail is easy to follow / send to Social Services / Court.

State you have a week to give the children a single bed each, which is appropriate to their sex and age. The existing cot bed is not suitable. Their rooms should be clear of boxes, etc which could be a hazard in emergency exit such as fire.

There is no need or want from your children to share a bed with you. This stops immediately. Until you organise the above and fill their basic needs, then they will be unable to stay.

You do not send your daughter (or son) into the situation as stands and if it was me, I would ask about touching, etc - just to rule it out.

If no action is taken by him or your daughter discloses potential / actual abuse you contact Social Services.

Do not buy beds or ask his parents to intervene, he need to show he can put the children first. I would be worried about other basic care he's not doing too. Do not prop him up.

@TealPoster what about contacting social services?? i know its not the norm but he isnt providing for them at all is he?? daughter age 10 should not be sharing a bed with dad ever!

I would never, ever have shared a bed with my father at 17. It would have made both of us incredibly uncomfortable. I'm not saying for a moment that there is anything wrong with your dad, but a LOT of people would feel that way as well. As the OP isn't there, I think that it is a safeguarding issue.

@TealPoster in scotland, 10 year olds are served with the legal documents too regarding visitation and overnights and the sheriff will talk with the child to see what they want. cant be that different in england

I really wouldn't go for the sending them one at a time idea. Your daughter doesn't want to go anyway so I imagine having to go all by herself would be even worse.

I'd listen to your daughter and stop sending them.

I'd be worried that the lack of beds/zero effort made to make room for the kids to sleep was part of a bigger picture of inadequate parenting.

If course it is a safeguarding concern if she hates it, doesn't want to go there, and has no option but to sleep in with her dad which she does not like doing.

This is not a jolly camping trip.

Or just not let them stay until the dad sorts it? Why should she do his admin?!

There’s an awful lot of comments suggesting the OP provide a bed/pay for a bed/have a bed to delivered to the ex’s house. That solves this issue- which isn’t on the OP to solve as her children presumably have somewhere safe and clean to sleep at her home. It doesn’t solve the ongoing issue which is that for whatever reason this father doesn’t prioritise his children’s needs. He has the opportunity to get proper beds for each of his children previously and presumably spent the money on other things. That to me is part of a pattern of deliberate neglect.

Just about all the suggestions to buy the bed myself, he said he was waiting to get my final payment to get it sorted, I paid him £3000 in September and he still hasn't sorted a bed. I've enough going on elsewhere too including being diagnosed with early stage cancer this week (not after pity btw but just to give you an idea), he's been treated like a spoilt child his whole life and needs to get his act together and actually be a responsible human and sort out the basic needs for our children, I can only tell him so many times it just falls on deaf ears. And his response is always anger when I do pull him up on things.

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis OP, that's awful and you really don't need this BS on top of this. I think talking to SS is a good idea and maybe move to only talking to him via email. You don't need to be dealing with nasty text messages.

I agree, the not providing adequate sleeping arrangements, the son being allowed non-stop gaming, bedrooms filled with boxes (of what?) to the extent that they cannot be used as bedrooms - yes, a pattern of neglect.

If the OP were to provide a bed (she shouldn't), all that does is MASK the underlying issue - the neglect. It is the neglect that needs to be addressed (and anything else that may come to light).

So considering he has the space, both children could have their own space. Especially with your DD now approaching (if not having started already) puberty. I would be approaching him with this in mind.
If he isn't willing to at least buy a second bed, I would be saying he can only have one child at a time.

I think you need to create a boundary here and make it as crystal clear as possible.

'It's a basic requirement that when the children come over to yours they have an appropriate bed, clean bedding and a place of privacy to dress, clean etc. this is a non negotiable. I have asked on numerous occasions for this to happen and it hasn't. It's effecting the children's well being. So as a consequence they will not be coming over to yours again and staying the night without this. Let me know with photographic evidence when you have sourced them appropriate beds and over nights can resume. Just so you know sharing your bed, a sofa, a sofa bed or cot bed are not appropriate sleeping arrangements.'

Any threats of court I would reply that money spent on court is much better served getting new beds. And that again it's a basic human right and a non negotiable. No social worker, school or court would say you are preventing contact, quite the reverse.

I’m very sorry that you’re going through such a stressful time and hope that your cancer is quickly treated.

You’re so right to not run around after him- please don’t change your mind about that. What you say about ex behaving like a spoilt child and being quick to anger when his inadequacies are mentioned remind me very much of my ex. Doing the absolute bare minimum (and not even doing that very well) as a parent with an expectation that everyone else sort everything out for him. Why the hell should they?

The points about my daughter (who is 10 in a month) starting puberty soon are also very valid, girls are starting younger so yes that could happen at any time, and she needs her own space! I have previously talked about periods to her, and I'm going to put together a little bag for her with the essentials in to always have with her.

I will update my post again when I've spoken to child services tomorrow and have written some notes in preparation.
Thanks again all for your advice etc 🙂

It's neglectful bordering on inappropriate when it's a 10 year old girl sharing with her father.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @TealPoster - I can’t really reply with anything helpful today as am just so bloody irritated with men in general behaving like shits.
He’s got two kids - one could be dealing with periods soon - get some fucking beds - on credit if necessary - look after your kids. What an asshole.

I'm really sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. You really don't need this shit to sort out too.
I hope your call goes well, and they investigate your concerns.
I would stick to emailing idiot ex purely about the DC and nothing else
Let SS deal with him

Not that you should have to do this, but could you get in touch with his parents? Tell them to sort him out. If they've spoiled him, and are still in touch with him, some of this is on them.

Glad you're talking to social services, OP. There is NO excuse for this. What kind of parent won't even provide a bed?? That's terrible about your son saying he couldn't lie flat in that small cot.

Also there's no excuse for providing a second-hand bed. Single beds aren't that expensive and he got 3k from you. It should be a new bed and a new mattress. You don't want a frame with woodworm.

Just when you thought you'd heard it all...a parent who won't even provide beds for their kids despite being able to afford them. It just beggars belief.

Among other issues, if he doesn't even think proper beds are necessary, will he do stuff like changing the bedlinen regularly?

Given your update (that she doesn't want to go and that he has lied about her asking to sleep in his bed), do not send them separately. Do not make her go in her own!! I wouldn't send them at all until the issue is sorted.

Unbelievable that it’s taken so long for you to consider actually acting about this. It’s been years? If there are no beds for them then they can not go- I would have thought that would be obvious to any parent. Likewise, a 10 yr old girl saying she doesn’t want to go because she has to share with the dad? And you are making her go anyway? Come on.

He sounds like a lazy child.
I'm glad you're getting this sorted.

I can't change the fact I haven't taken action sooner, however their dad had been sleeping on the sofa bed downstairs due to me saying that a) our son can't sleep in a cot bed and b) neither of them should be sharing a bed with him. Our son has stayed in his bed while he's been there on several occasions though. My son said the other week he told him I'm not allowed to control where he sleeps though! Then this week my daughter told me about how he said the sofa bed is apparently no longer comfortable for him, so she had to sleep in his bed with him.
The fact she's having to share a bed with him is a new development, hence my posting today, as this is a new turn of events.

I didn't know that a child who is still 9 could choose to no longer go to stay with a parent, I was always of the impression they had to be around 11/12 otherwise I could end up being taken to court.