Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

And court sounds like the perfect place. Without physically forcing her, if she refuses then of course you cannot make her go if she does not want to. Can you imagine what court would say to his pathetic arrangements? Of course they would say that the children and he all require separate beds.

Your actions have been proportionate, @TealPoster . His behaviour has escalated and now it's appropriate to involve professionals. If he went to court for a contact order, your DD's wishes would be taken into account, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't get a contact order. All the more reason to document your concerns and involve professionals

Just a little update, I've now logged it with child services and waiting to hear back from them with their advice.

I'm glad you've called them
I was the right thing to do
Ex is oblivious to your DCs needs
Should he go to court for access, he won't have a leg to stand on.
If DC don't want to stay over I'd go with that.

I don't know when DC can choose, but a child saying repeatedly they do not want to see othe parent but refusing to give a reason is a red flag. Very happy you are contacting social services, OP.

It's not occasionally, it is every week.

And it says a lot about what goes on in YOUR mind that you can't see that it is a safeguarding issue.

It doesn't mean dad is abusing her, it means that at the least he is not providing the basics for her.

And then there are things that can happen like the DD starting her periods in the night, no one enjoys starting but can you imagine if your first one happens in bed with her dad.

Any adult male sleeping with a girl absolutely is a safeguarding issue.

It might be ok if the daughter has the option of her own room with her own bed and it's a free choice that she shares with dad. But for a ten year old Dad should be discouraging this unless it's a very occasional thing, nightmares etc.

It is a huge safeguarding issue for there to be no other option for a ten year old.

I would keep them at home until it's sorted. They need as a minimum their own beds and ideally the ten year old should have her own room as well.

Wake up. Many many children are abused by their fathers. Failing to provide privacy for sleeping and washing is often just the start of eroding their boundaries. In this case there's no good reason why he hasn't provided a bed for each child. He's making a ten year old who is reluctant sleep in his bed. As a minimum it's neglect. It could be much worse.

I’m surprised by those (few) people saying it’s fine for a 10-year-old girl to have to share a bed with her father! Absolutely not. No more overnights till he has moved his arse enough to clear a bedroom for her.

Edited to add:
I wrote before I saw the update that DD doesn’t want to visit her father. That’s not just a red flag, it’s a screaming loud siren sounding the alarm!

I hope you can get the bed/ neglect situation sorted quickly, with SS help if necessary. That hold take a weight off your mind. Best of luck with your cancer treatment.

If the sofa bed is now uncomfortable for the Dad, why would he not swap and have the Daughter sleep on that?

I would be concerned that he has told her she has to sleep in with him, then told you she wanted to, added with her not wanting to go. Please listen to her, she isn't comfortable going and her age shouldn't matter, she needs to know someone is listening to her.

Im glad you have logged it with SS, I hope they hear the full issue, not only the lack of beds but the engineering sleeping in a bed, lying to say the DD asked and your DD not wanting to go. Because I think all 3 of these things together would raise flags for most people.

Even if nothing untoward is happening, your Daughter isn't comfortable and is asking for your help by saying she doesn't want to go.

This is infuriating. My step son has recently started staying at his mums house and he doesn't have a bed there. It's driving me nuts!

A 10 year old girl sharing a bed with an adult man? Asking for trouble and maybe his DM your MiL can help with that.

No way it should be happening.

Good advice, he is clearly embarrassed about it if he is keeping doors closed so may well need be struggling and need help.

so he replied saying that she had insisted on sleeping in his bed. I showed her the message and she instantly said no that's not true.

This is so, so disturbing and I'm so glad you're taking action on that. There is no need whatsoever for your DD to be sharing a bed with her dad, he only needs to clear the stuff from on her bed (and obtain another for his son), that's not a huge difficulty for anyone. He is misrepresenting the situation and that dishonesty may be in order to wind up OP or if not, it's suspicious and concerning.

If these were my kids, I'd want to stop the overnight visits because of the lack of basic care plus the worrying deception of the ex.

I feel your frustration. My son only recently got a bed at his dad's after 8 years of sleeping on the floor/sofa etc and he only got that because they bought his girlfriend's son a new bed so my son got his old one. Same with clothes/gaming stuff etc. He's not allowed in the living room after 6.30pm because his dad and the girlfriend says it's adult time. He only goes every other week as it is so it's not like he's there all the time. My son's 12 now and hinting at only going every three weeks. IME the more you ask for things for your children the more they dig their heels in and the child suffers more. It's so shit

Why did you allow that for so long?

this - it isnt acceptable to have no beds for the kids!!!

OP, your child had told you that she doesn’t want to stay over, and you haven’t stopped the overnights. You’re teaching her that you’re not a safe person for her to go to with her concerns. You need to be more concerned for your kids’ welfare than with what the rules are.

You need to show your daughter that you are her safe person and you will keep her safe. I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time at the minute but you need to do better. Well done for contacting social services and I hope they can give you the support you need.

Their dad sounds like a waste of space at best so well done for getting rid.

If no court order for overnight just stop overnights. And keep the record of why.
Good to log it

He’s her father!

Most 10 year old girls don't want to share a bed with their father either! It's not remotely appropriate.

I used to work shifts - my DD often slept in the same bed as her dad quite oftenI honestly don't understand this reasoning!

If the child doesn’t want to then that’s where the difference lies!

Because this DD doesn't want to share a bed with her dad...

Can you really not see the difference?