Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

Good job

If she still owes him from the divorce settlement, maybe she could deduct the cost of the bed from what she owes.

Yes as my previous post stated - there lies the difference - And they absolutely both should have their own beds!
I just don’t like the general inference that it is somehow weird for girls to sleep in bed with their dads - because for the most part it’s a completely normal part of family life!

She's already given him 3K in September.

I'm not sure it is normal for pubescent and pre-pubescent girls to be sharing beds with their dads on a regular basis at all

Yes it does sound suspicious.

Even if he only had one spare room he could get bunk beds! Definitely sounds like lazy parenting!!

It's not as clear cut as saying they can chose or not, the court will probably listen to them at this age and by the time you got to court she'd be older. Family court is always a gamble. It will be less of one the older she gets and if SS are in agreement with you over this issue, especially given it's such an easy fix. Even just if he was taking the single and the kids were sharing or he was sharing with DS, or if he just put a blow up mattress on the floor and slept on that himself. There's many easy and cheap ways to fix this. He's chosen the completely inappropriate one of making a 10 year old child of a different sex share his bed when they dont want. That's not ok and even if it's all above board he's teaching her her physical boundaries and her feel comfortable in her own home don't matter, which is a completely fucked up thing to teach your child.

I would be disturbed that he seems to have recently started saying they need to share a bed- surely more normally would be for small children to share with their parents, and gradually move AWAY from that as they get older. Him initiating the bed sharing NOW as she is nearing puberty bothers me. And she has said she is not comfortable with it, that is an entirely reasonable boundary for a 10 year old child to have.
Would you have been happy if your DD had been telling you she didn't like it but your DH was insisting? And if she said she didn't want to be home alone with him? That wouldn't concern you?

And a 7 year old sleeping in a cot bed is not OK either. Providing a safe and comfortable place for your children ro sleep is a pretty basic requirement, he could get mattresses on the floor if he wanted to and it would be better. Playing musical beds with his bed, a cot bed for a 7YO and a sofa bed is not a reasonable solution, especially if it forces the 10yo to share with him when she doesn't want to.

I wouldn't like it for my child either.

Well done OP
And sorry about the diagnosis. Stay strong and stand up from your kids too.
Hope SS do what you need.

My DD started her periods age 9 (as did I) and would definitely not have been happy sharing a bed with a male.

It sounds like dad has a problem with hoarding - either that or just an untidy b*er (which is not a good thing for young people to be getting used to with an adult in charge). He should be making the place comfortable and welcoming for his kids, so the boxes need to go in his room for starters (or in the garden shed or at his mum's). I don't have a problem with a blow-up mattress for a short while (but he's had the money for a bed).

Some men never get used to responsibility.

He doesn't want his Mum knowing about the situation? He knows she'll give him a hard time then. Maybe it's time to tell her and work on him together?

Are there any children Social Workers here who could advise about how not allowing the children to go until they have a decent bed each in an uncluttered space?

There is no way I would let my children stay overnight with him. If he caused a fuss about that so be it.

@BigAnne it's not that I allowed it, I have no say in what happens when he's with his dad. I tried, believe me but he made excuse after excuse and then became defensive and snappy. He's also a compulsive liar so that doesn't help

It is absolutely not part of family life for a girl to be forced to share a bed with her dad if she doesn't want to.

A 10 year old wishing to sleep in with her father on occasion is very different to one being forced to. She is uncomfortable with it and has asked she not be made to do it again. This makes it a very serious safeguarding issue.

Sounds like an extreme lack of organisational skills in your ex husband. If he can't be bothered/organised to buy them each a proper fitting bed, then I would see the consequence is himself putting up with the sofa bed, without complaining. Sounds like he's not thinking of your children's comfort, rather his own.

And where did I say that?

No man should be sleeping with a 10 year old girl, regardless of his relationship with her.

He sounds like a prick OP

I'd not be sending any of them until the bedrooms were declutter Ed and safe for them to stay in.

Then they need a bed each at 10 your daughter should not be sharing a room with her brother let alone a bed. I know logistics and housing doesn't always make this possible but in a 3 bedroom house this is neglect.

Stop the contact until it's sorted but do it via a letter from a solicitor so it's all done properly.

You still have a duty of care to the children when they are at his and it doesn't sound like the accommodation is suitable for them at all at present. In the solicitor letter offer community contact away from the house until it's sorted.

You could also ring your local
Children's Services information team for advice.

Sorry, but get your daughter out of there immediately. He's making excuses to have her share his bed.

A 10 year old girl sleeps in a bed with a man?
I don't care if it's her dad.
That's cause for police involvement.

Hi again, sorry I meant to update this last week but I heard back from child services and have to say I am quite disappointed in their response, they said it wasn't 'enough' to raise a safeguarding and they couldn't say whether or not our children should be staying overnight with him but if I felt they weren't safe there then I could withhold contact, all they could do is contact him with my consent and ask if he needs any support with getting a bed - I said yes please do that.
He hasn't mentioned anything about it or if they've called but I'm having the children overnight (I said he can have them in the daytime but not to sleep) until he gets a bed sorted.