Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

"Daughter has a single bed".

There is absolutely no reason for daughter not to sleep in her own bed! The son has outgrown his cot bed; he SHOULD have his own single bed but COULD sleep either on the sofa bed (that dad claims is uncomfortable for him), or share with his dad.

Your daughter doesn't want to go and no one would blame her in these circumstances, don't make her go.
After your last update I would strongly advice you call SS and ask them for advice, your children are being neglected whilst with their father and it is your job as their mother to advocate for them.

A 10 year old girl should not be sharing with her dad. She's heading towards puberty and it would be inappropriate. I'd report him to social service, as I'm pretty sure all children should have their own beds (even second hand would do). I actually would keep them at home until he provides beds.

Can you be more assertive OP?

Yo say you asked him 3 times- well, how long has this been going on? 3 times is hardly anything.

Please don't be one of those mums who didn't listen. There are too many abused children who say their mum didn't want to know or believe them.

He may not be abusing her, but you don't know for sure.
There may be inappropriate touching or comments. The fact she doesn't want to say why she doesn't want to go there is worrying.

How mature is she now? Is she showing signs of puberty?

Disregarding the weird sleeping plan, have you talked to her about periods and what to do if they happen when she's at her dad's? Does she have san pro with her?

Many girls aged 10, in Year 6, have periods at that age.

I wouldn't allow my 10 year old to go under these circumstances. He can say what he likes - by the time it got to court she'd be even older and her opinion would count and I'm sure the court would take a dim view that in that time he's not sorted out the sleeping arrangements

I wouldn't allow my son either TBH. It's ok if they have a choice and want to come In for a cuddle but forcing them to share is not appropriate

Ok I realise now that this is definitely going to warrant a call to child social services which I will be doing, I have their number and will be calling tomorrow (my children are with me now and not due to go to his for a few days).
Regarding my daughter saying about choosing to go or not, I actually thought they couldn't chose whether they wanted to until an older age, around age 11/12.

Why should he ? The deal was that when he got the divorce settlement he would sort out the sleeping arrangements properly. He hasn’t and OP says the rooms are still full of junk. Why are you making excuses for a lazy arse dad ?

Why? If you don't know then check. Your daughter is being very strong in telling you how she feels, listen to her. Your ex is the only one wrong in this scenario.

Even a mattress on the floor is better than a terrible bed or sharing, I’d probably just buy it but it’s not your responsibility and it could be construed as a safeguarding issue if you’d prefer to take it further.

It’s pathetic. My son’s dad did something similar and I basically laid down the law. Why would you not want your children to be comfortable?!

A mattress on the floor is unsuitable due to lack of airflow. Potential for damp and mould
Ok for a sleepover but not long term

OP I’ve seen your latest update about getting Social Services involved. From reading all your updates I really think now is the time. Your daughter saying that she doesn’t like going to stay with him but won’t say why should be a red flag, no matter what her age. He’s had long enough to sort this out and he’s had his payout. At best he’s lazy, at worst he’s neglecting them - as evidenced by your son being left to game as much as he wants. Maybe a visit from child services will wake him up and make him realise you’re serious.

My ex had my incredibly tall now 6 year old in a cot (not even a cot bed). I didn’t know until he kept coming home complaining he couldn’t stretch out in his sleep so his legs hurt.
told the ex until he sorted it, the kids wouldn’t be going. He said he couldn’t afford it etc.

surprisingly 2 weeks later, brand new beds for all the children appeared.

please don’t send them until he can provide suitable sleeping arrangements. It’s basic care.

If she's 10 now if he took it to court id just drag it out until she turned 11

At 10 years old she can definitely make a sensible decision not to go if she doesn’t want to.

I was 10 when I decided I didn’t want to see my dad regularly. I still saw him but just didn’t stay over.

I would put the childrens welfare first and not send them to such a grim living arrangement until such time as they had suitable sleeping arrangements. If that never happens, then so be it. A separate bed each, in a reasonably tidy room/flat. No bed sharing with anyone. Focus on them in all discussions, not him.

A mattress on the floor is fine, many people sleep on a mattress on the floor by choice.

@TealPoster if your daughter is expressing a clear preference to not stay at her dads I’d go along with that for now. She’s clearly uncomfortable and he isn’t doing anything to provide a private space for her to sleep. Age 12 is the point where services and court must evidence they’ve listened to the child but in reality few professionals would disregard the clearly stated views of a child about contact with parents. She is old enough to know her own mind on this.

There may be nothing untoward going on but not having private space or a bed to sleep in isn’t ok especially for a girl approaching puberty.

It’s a good move to speak to social work. Frame it in terms of your concerns about their living environment and sleeping arrangements and the fact that he’s hiding their arrangements from family members and misrepresenting your DD in saying she insists on co-sleeping with her dad. They should do a home visit and inspect the whole house.

No way is it appropriate for a 10 yr old girl to share a bed with her dad!

Age isn't really an issue social services let my 7 year old sen child state a preference for not going to visit his dad but they could see he never prioritised the children anyway and that he got the worst of it his older brother confirmed it

Mattresses on the floor can get damp underneath - there are low bed frames one can get that allow good air circulation. The kids need proper beds- the ex is being unreasonable.

Message his Mum and she'll hopefully embarrass him into sorting it out. Who cares if it causes WW3.

Imagine if your daughter tells her teacher that Dad makes her sleep in his bed, you'll have Social Servies and possibly even the police round in record time.

Regarding my daughter saying about choosing to go or not, I actually thought they couldn't chose whether they wanted to until an older age, around age 11/12.

Your DD has told YOU how she feels.

As the adult, you need to do what's right for her.

The 'law' doesn't come into it unless he takes you to court.

And if your ex complains, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Also, don't engage any further after his latest nonsense. You have a few days to talk to social care and if needs be, you can just send a message when they're due to go, saying they're not able to come. Any threats, call the police. I'm a bit disappointed with all the buy the beds/get his mum to buy them comments. It's not for any woman to solve the issues of a man who is neglecting or abusing his children.

She can make that choice! In family court her voice will be heard. Speak to a solicitor/lawyer asap.