Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

You need to wise up.

Do you have a 10 year old daughter?

They're reaching puberty.

Sharing a bed with their father is just wrong on so many levels.

And to start saying 'what goes on in people's heads'- most sexual abuse is by family.

Contact social services. This is a safeguarding issue. Ensure you are clear that he is hiding the fact he shares a bed with his daughter from other family members. Do not send your daughter back until she is not sleeping with her dad.

Do not fail her in this.

This is a job for social services.

My 10 year old has started puberty. She shares a bed with either myself or her dad if she asks to occasionally but it's never something that should be expected of any child let alone a female that's this age. To expect your son to sleep in a baby bed that he can't stretch out in is also disgusting. He's behaving appallingly especially when you consider it's a 3 bed house.

Thank you so much for all the replies and feedback it's been very useful, so he replied saying that she had insisted on sleeping in his bed. I showed her the message and she instantly said no that's not true. He said when he can afford to, he'll get them his own rooms. I replied saying to stop making excuses, plenty of beds are either given away either free or very cheap all the time, and also that he'd get our son a new bed once I'd paid him the final settlement, and that I think until he can get them each a bed of his own, they should stay one at a time.
I don't agree with finding a bed myself, he'd absolutely love someone else doing everything for him as he has been used to, and I won't do it, he's just down right lazy.
His reply to my last message was that how dare I start on him about money and that they will be staying with him as normal.
I've said again, lots given away for free and stop making excuses.
My daughter has been saying for a long time she doesn't like going to his, but won't say why, which has been a concern, I've told her she can't really make the decision at the moment to not go but can when she's older. I don't think there's anything sinister going on, but she doesn't like going to stay there. Maybe I should have a chat to child services, he's had years to sort this out and it also doesn't seem right plus him lying about what she's said. My son enjoys going because he gets to do non stop gaming.
Regarding his mum, I haven't spoken to her for years and she lives the other side of the country so only visits once or twice a year.
Thanks again for the replies

Urgh.

"Please send me a photograph today of the beds our son and daughter sleep in so I know there is adequate provision"

Reading your update, you need to contact social services. Today: if there is someone available. Do not let your children go back there.

"My daughter said whenever someone has come to visit like his mum he keeps all the bedroom doors shut, so no one else has seen the sleeping situation."
Which means he knows the sleeping situation is wrong. He wouldn't hide it if he thought this was OK, would he? So drag it into the light!

I would contact his parents and ask them to help their son sort out their grandchildren's rooms. Explain that although he said he would buy a bed for their grandson he hasn't yet, and now the children are having to take it in turns to share with their dad. If they're inclined to leap to his defence, couch it as concern for your ex, he seems to be overwhelmed and would benefit from their help, yadda yadda yadda.

Do not let the sleeping arrangements he is imposing on his children be a secret. Drag it into the light.

And if his parents aren't willing to step up for their grandchildren either, then I would probably involve Social Services. And stop sending the children to him, obviously. Let him try and twist it, he hasn't a leg to stand on.

...and YOU don't get to decide whether there is something sinister going on or not.

The facts speak for themselves. There's a man insisting your ten year old daughter shared his bed. She doesn't want to stay there and he is hiding this behaviour.

Leave the decision and investigation to the social services safeguarding team.

And mum up, FFS.

I ended up doing this with my ex. Infuriating, especially as money was tight at th time, but did it for the kids not him.

Ignore the divorce settlement nonsense. he knows the bed issue irritates you. Get a good bed from freecycle or facebook sites and drop it off so he has no pitiful sob reason to leave his children without bed.

Stop sending the children for overnights. If he tries to kick up a legal fuss, he hasn't got a leg to stand on. Unfortunately you might be playing right into his hands - he probably doesnt actually want to have them overnight, but your first responsibility is to your kids and you have to protect them where their dad wont.

When ds outgrew his cot bed, also at 6, he fit fine so we kept him in it til he did, we got him a single bed for £30 on Facebook marketplace. We could have had the mattress too, but didn’t want a second hand mattress and we already had one. I bet he goes out for a few pints in a given week or gets a takeaway. That’s a bed sorted then.

I would either not send them at all or only one at a time (probably depending on what would piss him off more).

A ten year old girl sharing a bed with an adult male is not acceptable. You should stop DC sleeping over until you are sure both children have beds in separate rooms and that there is no co-sleeping with your ex. This is elementary safeguarding. And he should pay for furniture in his own house.

This is brilliant. Just the right level of condescension!

Cross-posted, have now read your update.

I would not send the children to him at all, I would contact Social Services and he could twist the situation all he wants.

"My daughter has been saying for a long time she doesn't like going to his, but won't say why, which has been a concern, I've told her she can't really make the decision at the moment to not go but can when she's older. I don't think there's anything sinister going on, but she doesn't like going to stay there."
She doesn't want to go - don't make her. Even if he took you to court (he won't, too much effort) a 10 year old would have some input, they would be listened to. You have a concern, and you don't know whether there's anything sinister going on or not. So play on the safe side until you know.

"My son enjoys going because he gets to do non stop gaming."
Non-stop? That's neglect.

"Regarding his mum, I haven't spoken to her for years and she lives the other side of the country so only visits once or twice a year."
I'd still let her know the situation, if you have her contact details. Drag his behaviour into the light.

Because the son only has a cot bed to sleep in which is too small for him at 7yo so will be no good for the 10yo. The only other beds are Dads double and an uncomfortable sofa bed, from what i understand from the OP.

My daughter has been saying for a long time she doesn't like going to his, but won't say why, which has been a concern, I've told her she can't really make the decision at the moment to not go but can when she's older. I don't think there's anything sinister going on, but she doesn't like going to stay there.

You seem a bit naive. You need to think the unthinkable and act.

The fact she doesn't want to go says a lot. It doesn't take much to work out why- she's sleeping in his bed. Nothing may have happened, but at 10 she's changing into a woman. You need to wake up.

There may not be sexual abuse going on but you can't allow that risk to continue. Your poor DD.

Your DD is saying she does not want to go to her father's and you now know she sometimes sleeps in his bed - and he says she wants to but she says she does not. Where are your wits? Stop both DC going to ex's house and contact social services. Your DD has told you something you need to act on at once. And she does have the right to say she is not going if she doesn't want to share her dad's bed.

As I said uphread, SS will take your concerns seriously
It's absolutely not to suggest anything untoward is going on, or that occasional co sleeping isn't on
She needs her own bed( complete with clean, and spare bedding)
Do make them aware
They will also check they have enough food in fridge etc available for their stay
So I hope he does shop for them at least.

Stick with going one at a time, but if your DD doesn't want to go, don't make her, the court will listen to her. A lot of 10 year olds are starting their periods, this has to stop this year. She needs her own bedroom and it's only his laziness and neglect that is stopping this. Which is why tla court would take notice. If they were living in these conditions a SS referral would be made. A NRP can't live by less standards, because of laziness.

he replied saying that she had insisted on sleeping in his bed. I showed her the message and she instantly said no that's not true

That’s beyond creepy. That coupled with her saying she doesn’t want to go and not wanting to tell you why.

Major red flags. Please refer to social services asap.

I'd stop contact & call SS.
Your Dd doesnt like going there. He makes her share his bed. He lies that it is her idea. This isn't a good combination of facts. Also, a 6 year old can't sleep in a cot that's silly.

talk to solicitor or lawyer

Really unfair to say your daughter can't make the decision not to go now and she has to wait until she's older. She 100% can advocate for herself and your job is to listen. Let the children decide. They go and get pot luck over the bed. They don't go at all. They go one at a time. Listen to your kids. It's literally your job.