Dad won't get bed each for children

[TealPoster]

Been divorced from my children's dad 5 years, he has them one night a week plus every other weekend. Until a few months ago our son (nearly 7) he had sleeping in a cot bed. My son said he couldn't lie flat as it was so small. Daughter has a single bed. Said he was waiting for me to pay him final divorce settlement to get him a bed. Gave him the several thousand in the autumn, still no bed. He (dad) has a sofa bed he'll sometimes sleep on and kids take it in turn in his bed. Now apparently the sofa bed isn't comfortable, so daughter (almost 10) has to sleep in a bed with him (dad). AIBU to tell him to sort out a bed each for them! I've asked/told him 3 times to get our son his own bed. It's a 3 bedroom house. I want to tell him they can't stay there until he has a bed each sorted but know he'll try and twist it into some kind of story that I'm blocking contact or something. My belief is children should have access to their own clean and comfortable bed!

Get her to show her gran her room!

My dad was like this, really lived off the books with his affair partner in her council house so rented the cheapest flat he could to house us, so a one bedroom where he, me and my sister slept. He snored loads and kept me awake so I used to sleep on sofa cushions by the front door in the hall then when he finished watching TV he'd wake me and id go into the single bed in the living room. Just accepted it as normal as a kid so never mentioned to my mum and she was gutted to find out years later, and as an adult with my own son now I think it was such an awful thing to do. Your kids will remember and know he didn't prioritise them, unlike you.

As pp have said use a court approved method of communication and until he can provide a bed for the children each then he doesnt technically have space to house them safely.

Are you in contact with any of his family and get on ok with them? If so maybe get them on the case. It's not acceptable when he has the space available.

Yes just stop sending themtill he's got beds in place.

This is neglect and totally unacceptable. I would refuse to send them until they each had their own bed. Putting a 6 year old in a cot? Sharing a bed with a 10 year old girl? Absolutely not on.

100% agree

This. 100%.

I’d be concerned tbh, it’s not that he doesn’t have space or can’t afford a bed for each of them - he can’t be arsed sorting the house out. Having boxes etc preventing rooms being used isn’t good enough. As a social worker I’d be giving him a clear warning that if the house wasn’t sorted, I’d be removing the kids and he’d have a week to sort it out meanwhile the kids would be staying with someone else.

It’s not unreasonable to expect him to provide the basics, I’d also wonder if he was that neglectful, what other needs weren’t being attended to. Sharing a bed with your DD isn’t a huge issue in itself as long as it’s her choice and she has other viable options, but having no bed for herself means she doesn’t have a choice.

If you can’t withhold contact (eg court ordered contact) I’d make a referral to social work - who will demand to see the kids sleeping arrangements and will be clear about expectations going forward. What a bloody nonsense.

Children of a different sex are not allowed to share beds after 10 so I'm sure your ex would be causing a safeguard issue.

Sofa is suddenly not comfortable enough for anyone to sleep on, so one of the two children has to share with dad, and out of the two of them, it's the 10-year-old girl rather than the 7-year-old boy that gets chosen to share?

Now I don't know the man. But fucking no.

I imagine the bed is the least of it. Is he feeding then, ensuring they are washed and have clean clothes? Homework and reading? I am assuming lazy ineffective parenting extends well beyond the beds.

YANBU

This as a temporary solution is fine but he’s had time to get them a bed each.

He has 2 kids and needs to provide for them.

You can get secondhand beds for free or cheap, so there’s no excuse.

Does it matter that it's too accommodating? All that matters is that the kids get a bed each. If Op waits for him to change, she'll be waiting till the kids have got grey hair.

Your DD has a bed, is it so covered in boxes etc that she can’t sleep there? Why are the kids sharing a room when he has three bedrooms? It all sounds a bit chaotic and neglectful tbh. I wouldn’t be fixing it for him but would limit overnight contact until it’s sorted if possible. If not I’d have social work pay a visit.

I'd literally just stop sending them until they had a bed. If he wants to go through the courts for access, they wouldn't allow it either given the bed situation. So put your foot down until he sorts things out.

A couple of people have said they'd buy the bed themselves, but no. He needs to take responsibility, he can't just have the fun parts of having the kids over without also taking responsibility for their comfort and safety.

The bed thing is bad, but it makes you think what else might be neglected (which the kids might not mention as they don't realise it's an issue).

Why can't a 10 year old girl share a bed with her Dad occasionally? I bunked in with my Dad on occasions (I think the last time I did it I was about 17 and we had visitors) and the only harm that ever came to me was the sore ears from his incessant snoring. I totally agree that kids should have their own space but sleeping with Dad on occasions is NOT a safeguarding issue and it says a lot about what goes on in people's heads.

This is not true there's no laws it's just a guidance

I wouldn't send them again until they had a bed each and clean bedding.

If I heard of my 10 being asked to share a bed with her dad, I'd tell him to sort it out or I'd report him to social services. He's neglecting his children.

There’s nothing wrong @Hoglet70 as long as it’s the child’s choice. She and her brother don’t have useable beds so her choice is removed, that’s the problematic part.

Because a girl of that age should be afforded some privacy.

SS class that as neglect
It's a child's right to have a safe clean made up bed.
There are beds on marketplace free
I think he's just trying it on to get you to pay up.
If he can't provide a bed, I wouldn't allow them to stay overnight.

I speak from experience by the way
Had SS involvement due to DS1 behaviour and where they slept was checked out on the first visit.

I would reach out to SS tbh and ask them what you should do as your children don't want to visit under these circumstances. See what they say.

Agree with everyone else.

A 10 year old girl should not be sleeping in a bed with her dad.

What if her periods start?

Instead of giving him £1000s you could have ordered a bed and told him to be at home to take it in.

I'd not allow them to stay with him till he organises himself.

Not allowed? Said who?